Laughter, Biking and Feeling Like a Kid Again...

There is really nothing better than reverting back to who you used to be in the midst of discovering still who you are and who you will one day be. As we ventured out to rent bikes to bike the island of Sanibel, we had no idea just what that would mean. Sure we had seen the large bikes with the big seats and baskets, but we were psyched to get out there and follow all of the bike paths wherever they might lead. And so we got our bikes as the friendly men helped us to adjust our seats and supplied us with ample drinking water for our adventure. As we each climbed onto our bikes and made our way out to the road it was not long before I realized that there were no hand brakes or gears anywhere to be found. As I struggled to remember back to my 5 year old mind for a frame of reference for how to stop my bike I put my feet down on the ground, scraped my flip flops and just laughed. How in the heck was I supposed to stop this thing? Not only was stopping a problem, but starting out was even harder. As the traffic stopped for us to cross, I tried to kick my pedals back into a position where I could get a good lift and sail off into the horizon. Wrong! The pedals would not go back and forward only propelled me forward. I tried standing and pushing harder, but there was no moving those damned pedals!! And so I was that little kid, straddling my bike across the street as quickly as I could hoping that I would be able to get on soon.
We biked and we chatted and we were all just so relaxed. Until we entered alligator territory. Deanne, who has spoken of nothing but spiders and snakes and alligators was forced into the lead. Earlier I had said that whoever spotted the first alligator that I would buy them a drink! And as she told us tales of big black snakes hanging from trees as we biked through low lying brush she screeched...there's one. And there he was. I mean he was firggin huge! The only saving grace was that he was sunning on the other side of the river! Phew! We got photos and honestly, I was ready to be moving on!!
We lunched and shared a few drinks, had grouper sandwiches and then got back on our little girl bikes! We poked in some shops and went into a gallery. There was something that drew me into this gallery. It was as though I had no choice...I was not drawn to anything in particular, but I just had to go in and inside were mostly horses. Horse sculptures, horse paintings and they were gorgeous. As I was walking this one wall with Tracy, I knew these were just nothing I was interested in so I turned and looked all the way across the gallery and made a b-line for this one sculpture of a horse. I walked over to it and just knew that I HAD to have it. No, it was more than that...it was already mine. And then I looked at the name of the horse...Ancient Energy. Attached to his leg was a story of the materials used and why this particular horse stored ancient energy. As I stood there looking at it I could feel the energy inside me swell. This horse was mine. There was no question in my mind. It did not matter what it cost or how I would get it home with me...he had called me and I was there to answer.
As I turned and looked at Tracy, Joyce and Deanne I told them that I had to have this horse. "I think this is something big here Tomasen." And then the curator told us how she believed that the horses picked the people. I stood there with this incredible sense of well being and good energy surging through me. She asked to take our picture with the horse and told us how she blogged about these horses and the people that they picked. I had been chosen. There was no doubt in my mind. And so we left, because we were on bikes, knowing we would return. I had claimed my horse in the name of a little red heart sticker. As I looked around I noticed that most of them had been claimed. The only two left were Ancient Energy and another one that Tracy was drawn to and was reading about...Dreams and Knowledge.
As we left I felt the energy swelling inside of me. In my last blog I wrote about this new spiritual journey and this horse, that looks like something you might buy in Sedona, where I am going in March, was waiting for me here on this little island of Sanibel and will be a force that will embrace my little girl, the person I am today and help to align the force that dwells within.
We arrived back at the resort to have a drink by the pool and ended the day walking the beach at sunset. Life is good. It is. And will continue to be.
Just thinking...

Spiritual Journey Continues....

Each and every January I find myself embarking on a new spiritual journey. Whether it is the Gratitude Journal of 10 years ago, or A New Earth by Tolle last year that I read side by side with my sister...it is so. I do this without even thinking about doing it. This January I did not seem to have anything right on hand and had not heard of anything that was speaking to me. I pulled my old Christina Northrup off the shelves and started to read through some of that, realizing that I have this energy block that has moved through my body. A block that I have been dealing with for years. It started in my lower back, moved to my heart chakra and is now lodged heavily in my neck and head. There are very few days that go by that I don't have some kind of headache going on.
In her book she begs the question..."What is this headache here to teach me?" And as smart and intuitive as I am, it seems that I am a slow learner in a couple of areas. Slow in that I must find myself beating myself over the head over and over and over...BAD Dobbie, BAD Dobbie. (Harry Potter reference). Anway...so in my reading I find myself on line seeking the work of someone that I can't even remember the name of right now. This lead me to the Omega institute. I remember finding this place on line before...but this time I was thinking I might actually go! And do some energy work.
A week later, I find myself on line and looking through Amazon for books that I want to buy to take with me on vacation and where do I end up, but reading about a book, called Breaking Open that is MY life. The first pages are me! And of course I am completely absorbed when bam! There are no more pages available. So I order it. In the meantime I decide to research the author who I think I saw on Oprah one day. And lo and behold...she is the founder of the Omega Institute. Now I REALLY have to go!! And I also have to rediscover the person I was looking up to begin with!!
I am also going to Sedona and am looking forward to checking out some of the energy vortex's. I am also interested in having a reading done. I am sure that I have had a past life as a slave and I think my blockage has to do with this. Whatever path lies ahead...I have this great sense that great things are going to break open for me this year in a way they never have before....
Just thinking......

Crockpot or no crockpot? That is the question.

Do you have a crockpot or do you not have a crockpot? That is the question. You see, it is January and with this cold month comes my friend Peg's annual lentil soup party. Lentil soup party you might ask...yes...all soup and all lentil! It is a fun gathering filled with prizes for those who get the bay leaf in their bowl and lots of music singing and well...it is just the cure for these dull January days. So, I am always prepared for the summoning of my crock pots from Peg. She sent out a group e-mail this year and I found it rather fascinating that there were those of us with crockpots and those of us without...and it got me wondering....just what kind of people DO have crockpots? I have not only one, but TWO crockpots. For me, getting a crockpot at my wedding shower was just a given. It was given to me by one of my many teacher friends and any of you who are in education realize and understand that having a crockpot is like having chalk for your chalkboard. You just do! There is no question!

I remember one day being at a school and it was "soup" day. Every teacher brought in his or her favorite soup in a...yes you guessed it...crockpot! The halls were lined with more soups than you could ever imagine. Choosing one to try only meant that you were afraid you would miss another! I left that day with more soup recipes than I will ever be able to make in a lifetime!!
Floating around the teachers rooms were crockpot recipies for the taking. As working mothers, there was nothing better than when you had actually planned ahead, fed your crockpot before you left that morning allowing you to walk in the door, the have the smells of the evening's delight wafting up your nose! Ummm...this was especially satisfying on a cold nasty day...kind of like today.

And yet, I wonder...has the art of the slow cooker gone out of style? Again, when Peg asked for the crock pots, two of my friends who are fabulous in the kitchen did not and have not ever owned a crockpot!! I own not only one, but two!! What does this say about us? Are gourmet cooks above the crockpot because slow cooking is not the best way of cooking or were they just never given one? Or have they never found the need for one? Do they know the joy of a crockpot and all that they have been missing over the years? Is there some line drawn around those who own and those who don't? And so I ask you...do you own a crockpot? And even more so...what do you think it says about you?

Even more importantly...am I crackpot for writing and wondering about crockpots? Who knows! I think I will dig out that Chicken Santa Fe recipe and throw it in the crockpot for dinner tonight! Yummy! Now that sounds good!

Just thinking....

President Obama...I like the sound of that!!!!

I keep thinking to myself that I HAVE to write about this past week. This past week where history was made and there was nothing to dampen my enthusiasm and great sense of hope. This past week where we came together as a nation, not in a time of crisis like 9/11 but in a time of celebration of change and hope. This past week where I sat and watched the inauguration at the Sunapee Bar in front of the big TV, had a beer and settled in...knowing this was a moment in life that I would never ever forget where I was, who I was with and the mood that was in this typically very loud bar!! This past week where everywhere I went and everything I watched had more meaning because we are in a current of change and that change is in the air and it is something I am riding along with the rest of the nation. This past week where I found myself in tears at the drop of a hat. Emotions running clearly, purely and freely. It IS all right to cry! This past week when I ripped off the cover of the Newsweek magazine and hung the picture titled, Obama's America on my magnet board because his America is OUR America. This past week where I have been trying to figure out what my part in all of this is going to be!!

And then in the midst of this, one of the teachers I work with told a story about one of her students whose mother is prejudice and not happy with Obama in office. Her history in the school includes one day where she saw someone wearing and Obama t-shirt and wanted to know if that woman worked in the school or not and if she did then she should NOT be wearing that t-shirt. (It was, a mother, volunteering!!) Anyway, it was inauguration day and this student seemed to walk into class very nervously. As the morning wore on the teacher noticed he was constantly fidgeting in his desk. Finally, she went over and what she discovered was a tiny tape recorder disguised in a little black container. The mother asked the child to record the teacher for the day so that she could find out what the teacher was going to do and say about Obama as our next President. Can you say Obamagate?? Phu-leese!!

I put this in because although I am riding the high of all of this...I am also keenly aware of those nay-sayers out there who are determined to put this man in a bad light. But here is the thing...I truly believe there are so many MORE of us who are behind Obama that the voices of these people will sail off into the horizon. This is a time where that collective psychology is going to work in our favor....
Can't you just feel it?

The Show MUST go on...

Ahhh... the day after Christmas gives me the respite I have been sorely lacking for so long. And with that I think to myself what a wonderful life it is in so many ways!
It is our third annual girls trip to NYC that I am referring to here. There seems to be something a travelling and bad weather theme for me as of late. Mom, Emma and I left here at 8 am to meet Lisa and Maddie in Windham. I knew there were threats of a Nor'easter in the making, but I had heard it was going to start later...later than 8 that was! For as soon as we left Exeter, the flakes started falling. I had talked to my sister, the flawless driver to see if we should make a different plan. I had even looked up the train schedule only to discover it would cost a mere one thousand dollars for the 5 of us to take it into the city and back. But Lisa was firm about going. I mean what else would we do? We had tickets for the 7pm show and the show was going to go on whether we were there or not.

So we drove and we drove and we drove and we drove. And as we drove the weather got nastier and nastier moving from snow to sludge to grease to ice to sheer insanity on the roads. At one point in Connecticut, there were cars off the road every 50 feet or so. The roads looked as though they had been oiled down with the thickest kind of grease. Lisa maintained her 10 and 2 position on the road, keeping her face with an appearance of utter calm as the rest of us tried to support her by occupying ourselves with everything but what was happening on the roads!!

Honestly, I cannot believe the woman's determination! I would have had several panic attacks had I been the one behind the wheel! The amazing part was that we were not alone out there on the roads. There was traffic and at times...lots of it! Now I am sure they were not in for the long haul of a five hour drive but still~
So we made it to our second cousin's house in just about 5 and a half hours...a good hour and a half more than it should have. Really not that bad if you consider the driving conditions!

At one point, this enormous tractor trailer skimmed by us...just inches away from our vehicle. The front of him spat up some brown sludge onto the windshield and before you could even think, you could hear sludge pummeling the side of our vehicle from the back wheels until finally it erupted in a sea of sludge that completely blinded the front windshield. I wanted to gasp and scream, but instead I looked over at Lisa who was sitting behind the wheel looking completely stunned and she very gently reached over and turned on the wipers! No reaction but the calmest of calm and thank God because I really think we could have been goners had she panicked in the least. It was right after that she stated that if the weather did not improve then we would be taking the train into the city from Anne's. Whatever you want my fearless driver was all I could think. Whatever you want!!

We made it there and took a long rest and as we were sitting there visiting with Anne the sun came out. Yep. We had done it. We had driven right into the Nor'easter and it was moving north and out of our final destination. We left Anne's and the rest of the ride was just a bit of rain in places.

We arrived and found our hotel after a beautiful entrance into the lighted city...there was Rockefeller center and then right into Times Square...but no place to pull over and get our stuff out. So Lisa just stopped! I don't think anything could phase her after that drive! My Mom and the girls jumped out with all the stuff and made their way to the hotel as Lisa kept the cops at bay. I jumped back into the vehicle and we were off to find cheap parking!!!

We stayed at the Marriott right in Times Square, giving us easy access to everything and Thank God because the wind chill alone must have been 30 below!! We braved the cold, made the show, Spring Awaking which was AWESOME, had dinner and crashed. The next day we made our way over to MOMA to expose the girls to "modern art" (what a joke but worthy of many laughs!) but also to see the Van Gogh exhibit that was there. FABulous!! Next it was back to the hotel for a hot totty and some very overpriced Sangria and then we went to see Wintuck.

Another fabulous evening of wining and dining at The View...a rotating structure at the top of our hotel where you could see the city from your table. All was well until Emma and I were drenched in wine that my mother accidentally spilled. For a moment it was tense as we were reeling with the feeling of cold wine all over us...not trying to make my mother feel bad...but we did and then I felt badly about that trying to explain I was no upset at her, just upset at being soaking wet! To no avail...finally the moment passed and we were on our way to get some food downstairs. Pizzas all around!

All in all it was a fabulous trip...but I did miss Hallie...our only original before Emma and Maddie joined in, but I am sure she will be there next year! I know I will because come hell or high water or nor'easter the show MUST go on!!

Just a little bit guilty...

I am feeling just a little bit guilty to be so warm and safe and sound within my house. But what adds to that feeling is that there are so many people without power and yet there are those who continue to light up their ostentatious displays of Christmas lights. Can you feel the irony here? I mean, I am all for Christmas lights. I sit and look at my tree beautifully adorned in Christmas lights...but perhaps in light (ha ha ha) of what has happened to us here in the northeast that this is the year to say no to outside lights. The lights that seem to laugh in the face of all of those who drive by and still do not have power. As they drive by the flashing colors and waving Santa's...just a reminder of all that they don't have...ahhh light to read by, eat by and live by, a source of heat just the basic needs like running water.
I don't know. Maybe it doesn't matter to these people, but at least for me...this will be the year that you will not see any lights outside of my house. It just feels wrong and well...anyone who knows me...that if I feel something then that is that. And if you are reading this and are in need of a hot shower...come on by. There is plenty to share!
But that is the problem as well...because if you need a shower then you cannot be reading this and as much as I have tried to reach out and find people...it is hard to get in touch with them or to even know if they have power or not.
I tried Christmas shopping yesterday and well...there was absolutely NO thrill in it. Again, it seems frivolous to be out there pounding the pavement for gifts when there are so many freezing their butts off! And it is much colder today.
Just thinking.....

A Picture is Worth...well you know!!

Powerless and Powerful!

As I sit warmly in my kitchen, admiring the Christmas tree, I am reminded of what a long strange trip the past couple of days have been. The weather people were touting the idea of a great big storm, and honestly, I just ignored them, as usual. That was until I was going to drive to the airport at the same time that the storm was going to strike!! Suddenly, I found myself wondering if THIS time Channel 9 could possibly be right. I needed to get to the airport in Manchester because I was scheduled to do a workshop for 150 teachers through Rowan University in New Jersey. If I was not nervous enough about the prospect of a "football field" sized ballroom, then this was enough to just push me over the edge...or was it? Was there, perhaps, some part of me that was feeling the impending energy of the storm? That feeling that something is coming that you have NO control over. Honestly, I think I love that feeling. I love it because no matter how much you worry or don't worry, there is ultimately, nothing you can do!!
I would be amiss here if I did not mention that prior to this engagement I found myself engrossed in creating the world's most perfect power point. Hours and hours I spent putting everything on my computer because I was told that I had to join the world of technology and give up my overheads! You see I LOVE my transparencies that I can lay on top of the overhead projectors because I can physically hold them in my hands. You see I have a love/hate relationship with technology and because of that I do not TRUST it! Having something physically in my hands is much more concrete!! But that said, I knew that managing two overheads, as they told me I could do, would be next to impossible for someone like me who tends to teach "in the moment". So I discovered that instead of scanning everything, I could take pictures of my student samples and then download them onto my computer and put them in my Power Point. It is here that I will point out the my niece, Hallie, informed me that Power Point is not new technology...and I KNOW that, it is just that I resist using it because so many presentations I go to people just read their power points without actually engaging with the audience. Hiding behind my Power Point was not going to be my goal though...no, I was going to use it "like" my overheads, as visuals to compliment and illustrate what I was talking about! Anyway, I actually enjoyed the process of organizing everything and was feeling very good about my upcoming presentation...when the weather report became more and more ominous.
I got to the airport early to avoid the ice and hail and torrential rain that Channel 9 continued to spout on about. I got there two hours early in fact only to discover after 15 minutes that my flight, indeed had been delayed. As I sat in the airport I could feel the energy building around me. People on cell phones, running from ticket counter to ticket counter, trying to get on another flight when theirs had been cancelled. It was looking less and less likely that I was even going to get out of NH after all of this preparation and stress! Good Lord!
My flight was delayed again and more and more flights around us were cancelled. By the time we were lining up to board, the airport was desolate, save for those of us on this one last flight to Philly. We lined up. and boarded. The attendant told us to keep our boarding passes...just in case. Would we get out? Would we be the last flight out of the state? Yes, after de-icing...something I have never been a part of before and am fine NOT to experience again...we took off. I was amazed at how smooth the take off was...the landing...well we might just have well dropped out of the sky. BRUTAL. One of those Hail Mary and God I am not ready to die today kinds of landings. The collective sigh that overwhelmed the cabin was deafening as the wheels hit the tarmac. Phew. We were here and we were alive.
Needless to say I got to the hotel, dropped my things in my room and went down to the bar for a great big glass of wine and a sandwich. Then it was off to la la land. Phew! I had arrived and although the wind pummelled my windows all night...I could not think or worry anymore. I was there and I would present and that was all I could or would think about as I went to sleep!
The presentation went great. My Power Point DID work and calling to find out how everyone was back in NH was just not where I was at. I knew I needed to get through this thing before I could think about anything else. I finished, got on the van to the airport and never looked back. It was then I called home and was amazed to discover that not only had it been a bad storm, but that a tree had fallen ON MY HOUSE!!! The kids were traumatized! All I could do was laugh and think to myself...wow! There was drama everywhere and that is when I also found out there was no power. Honestly, that is worse than the tree to me...until I got home and saw it. You just can't imagine something like that until you see it for yourself. And as far as fallen trees go, this one fell perfectly! It was millimeters away from touching windows with it's fingery branches. It did put a hole in the deck and smash the railings and a chair, but it fell on the back of the house that is ALL windows. How gracefully it simply avoided every single one. Not even a mark on any of them. AMAZING!!
The tree guy has come and gone, the power has since come back on and as I sit here writing with the warmth of my computer in my lap, I am feeling for all of those hundreds of thousands of people out there without power. I even tried calling people to share our warmth and power...but even the phone lines are out and many a cell phones are now dead. People are unreachable. It is such a strange thing in our age of constant contact and interaction via texting, phone calls, e-mails, facebooking and blogging!!
So, to those of you out there...you see there is something to be said for remaining rooted in the dinosaur ages of technology. Without power we are powerless in so many ways...more and more ways every day. And so when we sat in front of the fire to find warmth, I realized that I was not all that crazy after all to bring not just my laptop, but also my big purple binder filled with all my overhead transparencies...just in case. You never know now do you??

President Elect Obama

What a week it has been. The day of the election, I woke up with great energy and hope. I had a great day at work and actually fell asleep early...just knowing that Obama would win. I know, I know...how could I fall asleep on such a momentous evening? The truth is that I experienced so much energy surging through me all day that I was just simply tired. Did you feel it? I could not escape it. It felt like a thousand Christmases wrapped up into one day. People everywhere with signs waving, talking election and if and when they had voted. Did you feel the energy at work? I would imagine that from space, that one could almost see a frenzy of activity swirling over the U.S.
I woke up the next morning and desperately surfed through the channels looking for his acceptance speech. I found it and as I watched I realized that I had missed something and regretted not seeing this live. There was an aura around him that was so different than what I had expected to see. A groundedness that seemed to anchor him in and keep him so human that it was a spiritual experience.
As I lay in bed and sobbed I realized that this was something so much bigger than even I had anticipated. This was so big that all I could do was to let all defenses down and let myself "feel" the moment...although this was and is so much more than a moment.
What baffles me now, is that even after his speech and McCain's eloquent speech, that there is little recognition from the Republicans I know about what an incredibly historic event this is. I loved how Obama spoke to each person that voted the other way and honored their vote. I get that. But what I don't get is how half of the people in this country might be missing out on the making of history because they will not allow themselves to see and feel what is really happening here. Change has arrived. We have done something that many thought we would never ever do. We have crossed all lines of race, color, age and gender...but what about party lines? Will this be our newest age of prejudice?
And even as I ask this question, I cannot help but allow the overwhelming sense of hope that is within me speak. I do not want to overshadow this with negativity. I can only hope that those on the other side will mourn their loss and join our country in uniting together. Barack said it like it is...we ALL have a lot of hard work to do. And that means all of us.
And to see him now, already reaching out to the public, I still think to myself, who would ever want that job anyway? And I truly believe that it was not just something that Obama wanted, it is just what he is meant to do here on this earth. He has been called to this position and it is not just through the votes we all cast. He is meant for greatness and I for one, truly believe, that he will gently escort us all, with our help, to better times.
Here is to hope...for all of us.
Just Thinking....

A Fight, A Funeral, and a Film...

After an emotionally exhausting weekend, it finally hit me at about 8 last night. My throat started to swell and shriek out like it was on fire. The bug I could feel moving its way through my body finally caught up with me. The violent sneezes that can only mean it is getting ready to strike would shake my entire body and send shivers from head to toe.

I knew it was coming and still I am not happy about it! If I look at it from another perspective though, it is also my body's way to say STOP. Take a time out to check in and take care of yourself. And let's face it...between the Memorial service that can only inspire the major contemplation of death, a major fight on the home front and then the movie, Nights in Rodanthe...well I knew I was a goner.

This film came at the end of the weekend where I found myself a bit frazzled and fried emotionally. I can only take so much and the conflict and sense of impending death only made my viewing that much more acute. I sat and simply bawled and bawled and bawled. The worst part was that I went in blindly...not knowing that it was written by Nicholas Sparks...if I had only known then I would have expected to happen what happened. But being so tired and spent, I just sat there willy nilly watching like a stupid spectator...not even wondering, as I usually do what is going to happen next. Stupid idiot!! I was sucked in and swallowed with emotion before I even had a chance.

But, in the end, the crying is good and in a sense, perhaps this nasty bug is okay too...giving me a chance to sit and write and reflect and not have to DO anything. I think I would enjoy the time more though...if I only felt better.

And so I write this off as just another day in the life of...and I can't even think about the economy and the fact that the world is coming to an end. Just can't do that! Not right now anyway....

Just thinking...

Thank You Anita!

I went to a funeral for one of my very good friends from High School whose Mom died. Mal's house was the house we all hang out at. His parents provided everything we needed for a great evening. Humor, a space in the basement to call our own and yes, even beer to play beer pong with. I know, I know, this is not a popular thing to post and totally not PC. But, the truth was that his parents had some thinking behind what they were doing. If we were going to be drinking they wanted it to be under a safe roof where there was supervision and where there would be no driving. Very smart actually, as I think back on it.

What prevailed at this Memorial service was a sense of humor and family that was, well, simply beautiful. Each one of 'Nita's children and grandchildren had stories and contributions in the form of movies etc. to recreate the life of a truly beautiful human being.

As I looked around the room and saw many people from New London, I realized how much a part of that community will always be a part of me. There was an incredible sense of acceptance for us as kids that just seemed to extend to today. Maybe it was something I created in my head, but all that I could feel was a sense of joy that this family had each other to help them through this tragedy. For it is a tragedy that she had to go at such an early age.

I was so moved by this service that I drove home in the torrential rain thinking that when I die, what do I want my legacy to be? For 'Nita, it was laughter and she was adamant that she be remembered as smart. As Mal said, I can still hear her laugh and through the footage that was done by Mike, we could all hear her laughter echoing through the halls as we left.

Why? Why I wondered also do we so often wait until death to celebrate the life of an individual? I was thinking how much she would have enjoyed being there laughing at the stories alongside everyone else. Why don't we celebrate the gifts of every moment like she was able to? Why do we get so caught up in the minutiae of life that overwhelms and strips away the beauty and life of every moment? Why don't we have parties that celebrate what is so wonderful every day???
Life is why we don't and yet, to think about this deifies the idea of what life should be! Are we really living each day to it's fullest?

Having gone through Emma's illness, I think I hang on to that notion as much as I can, but the truth is that I forget. We all forget. And as much as I love the idea of living in the present, it is often the past or the future that tries to take over. What am I doing here? What is my ultimate purpose? Life is for the living...and I need to get out there and do some more of it.

I am better at doing that with certain people. My sister, for example, is one of those people who I get with and I find that I can just be who I am and savour every moment. I think back to this summer in the jeep and how every breath was so acknowledged. Do I get this from her or is it simply the chemistry and common philosophy that we share? She is a force of life to be reckoned with and when I am with her I have that same sense of myself. With others, I do not experience that same excitement and zest for life. They are the energy suckers of the world who are more interested in bitching and complaining and waiting for life to happen to them instead of making life what it is they want it to be.

We all have things we could focus on in the negative...but honestly...wouldn't our time be better spent focusing on what is really great? Mal told a story about having his parents over for dinner on Sundays and how he and his Dad would cook these extravagant gourmet meals. He talked about how at every one how his Mom said every time, "This is the BEST meal I have ever had." And he believed her. He believed that in every moment, in that moment, it WAS the best meal she had ever had. She loved life. She loved each moment in life and from that we can all learn to savour every bite and see each moment as the best moment in life! Thank you Anita! Thank you to the Gilvar family for reminding me, once again, what really matters in life.

Slip Sliding Away

"How can you put up with that?" she asked as she rolled her eyes up into her head. "With what?" I answered and smiled knowingly. "That" she gestured to the back deck. And of course I knew exactly what she was talking about and still I found her question amusing. The idea that I was "putting up" with something was humorous to me. Was I putting up with it or was I just letting it happen? It all started when Zachary asked for a bunch of boys to come over and jump on the tramp after school. Fine.
It all started to change when I was on the phone with my sister and noticed that the trampoline seemed to be floating across the yard. "Where are you going with that?" "To the deck so we can jump off the deck onto it." And I paused. What did I think of this? What were the inherent dangers that lurked...outside of the already present danger of allowing all of these kids on the tramp to begin with? I know, I know, I am crazy because of the liability issue, but honestly I would rather have them here with some supervision as opposed to downtown with no supervision at all. I was going to have to bend...just a bit. I swallowed hard and thought to myself that it did look like fun, but suggested they put it on the lower end of the deck. It was all fun and games as they took turns one by one to jump off the deck and down two feet the the trampoline.
But one knows that when you get a group of boys together the anti must always be raised. The sheer height was not enough and Zachary screamed with glee as he came up with his next idea. "Let's get the slip and slide and slide off the deck onto the tramp!" Before I could say no a little bit of me smiled inside. This was the kind of experimentation and wonder that I loved to see in the eyes of my students in my classroom. Granted, there were no major dangerous things involved, but it was the sense of experimentation that I was secretly revelling in. They found no slip and slide, but easily replaced it with an enormous blue tarp that they proceeded to duct tape to the deck and down over the slipping side. After their teamwork seemed to pay off they all stripped down to their underwear and began the fun. Only it was not slippery. No worries though...they would figure that out too.
In a moment of despair I knew I had to go and pick up Emma. I told them I would be back in 5 minutes and to be extra careful while I was gone. Stupid me looked at the dish soap as I walked at the door knowing exactly what I would return to.
The screams of sheer joy were echoing from the backyard and as I walked into the kitchen I saw suds EVERYWHERE!! Suds on the deck, suds on the kids, suds on the tarp and so many suds on the tramp it appeared to be white. They were slipping and sliding their way to sheer joyous heaven. It was at this point that Emma posed this question that I had no answer for. In one way I was worried someone was going to get hurt. It was the perfect recipe for disaster. On the other hand I had to smile as I went to get my camera and record some of their good clean fun.
So, why would I allow such a thing? Such a mess? Such a risk? And all that I can come up with even this morning is that it is definitely not something that my mother EVER would have let me do. It would have been too messy if nothing else, and yet, as one of the kids left with his mother I heard him say, "This was the best day of summer ever!" And who was I to remind him that they were in school. This is something that Zachary will never forget. It was free. It was fun and all in all a bit dangerous...the perfect recipe for a bunch of boys with too much energy and imagination for their own good.

Summer Nights.....

And so it was. Just as Fall threatened to scoop up the eternal fire of summer within...it happened. Two nights filled with utter and complete summer activities renewed that sense of sunshine in my spirit and has set me up for a great day. First we went up to the lake after taking Zachary out of school an hour early (scandalous for it was only the 3rd day of school) in order to get in as much boat time as possible. Charlie was there...the captain of our ship, also released from the confines of school a bit early as we could not have gone without him. We toodled around the lake that was as smooth as smooth could be. So flat in fact that you could see a complete reflection of the sky dancing on top of it. So smooth that when Charlie took a sharp turn it almost felt as slippery as ice. The kids swam off the back in Job's Creek, we then went to the sandbar where there was NOBODY! In fact the entire lake was ours for the taking. We then made our way into George's Mills and sent the kids off to the store to buy anything they wanted within a 20 dollar limit! They were in heaven. Ahhh....summer. No restraints, no rules, no schedules. Perhaps that is what I love the most about it!! We ended our evening eating out in Sunapee Harbor at Bubba's. The kids took one final swim off the public dock and then we made our way home across the lake with a million bats swooping down on us. There was nobody else for them to detect! And as I left I saw the moon over the water. A beautiful crescent moon, and I took a deep breath, thankful for one last night on the boat, just women and kids having a great time and savouring every moment possible. "Those summer nights..."
And so we had to have more!! Of course! Emma and Maddie, being the prep school girls that they are don't start school with the rest of the public, and so Lisa and Maddie came over yesterday and we drove up to Ogunquit with the roof off the jeep, the wind blowing through our hair and hair...well...hair just everywhere!! When we arrived we were shocked at how crowded it was. Were we not the ONLY ones with this idea? Apparently not!
As we searched for the perfect spot on the beach our body temperatures rose with each step in the passing sand. It was HOT!! It was hotter than hot. It was THE hottest day of the year as far as we could remember. We could barely set up our chairs before stripping and running to the water...the water that was frigid. Not the foot-numbing frigid, just the frigid that made for slow going getting in. The waves were ENORMOUS!! So large in fact that I was a bit hesitant of them. And then it hit me. THE biggest wave of my life and I was IN it. I was in that place that was no man's land, the place you do NOT want to be as the wave crests and curls over your head and scoops you up like a grain of sand tossing you about as your legs and arms hurl around you like loose appendages. I could only hope for the ride to end soon, as I needed air. Where was the ground? I could not have told you and when I finally did come up for air, there were Lisa, Maddie and Emma all smiling and laughing at me. My hair was completely disheveled and well...I couldn't see or breath or even talk. Respect for the water renewed itself as I moved in a bit closer to the shore telling Emma and Maddie to follow suit. They laughed at me and told me that I should have dived into it. That was what they did...but they were just that much further out than me. They did not understand and it was not until Lisa had the same experience that she looked at me, hair drooping in her eyes, mouth open in horror that she said "I think I have had enough!" Never mind the times that she would look to a wave, see it's enormity, look at me, start to run and say, "Nothing good is going to come of this!" And so it went. Sometimes you could escape the wrath of the wave and others...you were a pawn in it's game. There was no telling for sure, but trying to find that "just right" spot where you could either "pop it" or "ride it" or "go into it" was key. It was that space in between that was the danger zone!!
But these waves did not keep us out of the water. No, it was too HOT for that. And so we would all go in together and honestly, Emma and Maddie were better at navigating the waves than Lisa or I. I can just hear Lisa now...no, that is not true!! But it was!
As the day was winding down a surfer flew past us in an emergent fashion. I perked up and watched as he headed out to gather a few people that seemed to be in trouble. Within minutes, there were several surfers and I could tell that these people were being swept away in a riptide. The surfers swam parallel and eventually brought them all in! Of course we found out later that the hurricane Hanna was wreaking havoc on the oceans and that there were warnings all over the radio. Sorry we were listening to the i-pod on the way up! We decided it was better that we didn't know because we would have been even more scared than we already were!! We topped our day off with Emma and Maddie's first lobsters at Barnacle Billys, an ice cream cone and a drive home in the topless jeep. It was the warmest of warm nights and we belted out American Pie and then songs from Grease...pulling into the driveway, all four of us singing at the top of our lungs..."Those summer niiiiiiights." Tell me more...there is no more to tell. It was sheer perfection. It was the savouring of the last of our summer nights...that is until next year. And although I have ordered my sunlamp in an effort to ward off the fall blues...this was the perfect medicine for me! Those summer nights.....

Mum's the Word

With each passing day I can see a change in the light. It's dance is sharper, faster and more fleeting and with these thoughts I can feel the long summer evenings becoming part of the past. The problem is that it is happening way too quickly. How could it be that today is September first? Where did August go? My plan was to take ALL of August off and even though I did that, I am still amazed at how quickly it all went. Where did the summer go?

And you know what? I am not the only one asking this question. Sure this summer was laden with rainy days and not enough sunshine, but still. The "feeling" of summer is what I want to linger, but last night, it was dark by 8. 8 O'clock and it was dark. I can feel my hibernation instincts start to kick in and I get scared. Scared that I am going to want to eat every bad carbohydrate that crosses my path. Scared that every morning it will get increasingly difficult just to get out of bed. Scared that another winter will soon be upon us..and then it hits me. I sound like my father! But, I am not meaning to. It is just that I am not ready for the long daily routines of the fall or pumpkins or mums or scarecrows for that matter. I hate mums anyway. They have to be one of the ugliest of all flowers...and yet I will probably buy some just to keep the notion of summer and flowers around for as long as possible. As much as I hate mums, I can tell you that they are hearty. That is about all they have going for them!! Anyway...I did not start this with the intent of talking about mums, but you know it is the mums that are the first sign that all of your summer nights and lounging days are about to come to an end. First, they show up at the grocery stores. Yes, I arrive to gather the provisions for summer night of cooking out and there they are. The dreaded mums! And when I see them I shout, "Oh No! NOT mums!!" Emma looks over at me with a look of dismay and she says..."yep, and pumpkins too mom" and as she says it I shudder and once again contemplate the notion of moving to someplace south of the equator.

Today I feel the effects of the change in light for the first time. Sure, I went to Newcastle Commons with Emma and her friends and the weather was absolutely smashing. Not a more beautiful day could be ordered. I mean utterly gorgeous! And still, I did not put on a suit because of that little nip in the wind that wanted to remind me of the onslaught of fall every time it blew. I wanted to feel summer, but no, it was fall breathing it's life into the atmosphere. Is there any way to fight this feeling off? I can feel my mood getting lower as I try to soak up all the sun because I know it will be gone soon, but it is all for not. The beginning of the SAD has begun and all I can do is hope that this year will be better than the last. Hope that when I get enough energy that I actually WILL order a sunlamp for myself THIS year!! Ahh...one can only hope!

And as I prepare a nice dinner of fresh roasted SUMMER vegetables and prep the meat for the grill I look up into the sky and know...it is only a matter of time...but truthfully...isn't it all??
Just thinking....

Painful Past Procedures...

As I sat at her bedside I looked over, realizing she was more than double the size of when this all started. She has now grown breasts, has long flowing hair and yet those same eyes look at me with the familiar look of fear and anxiety. I can see it on her face. I can feel it as well.

It is only an echocardiogram, but it is so much more than an echocardiogram. It is the lingering memories of past procedures that creep up on you and bite you in the ass. One minute I am fine, watching Hairspray with her and the next I have flashed back 5 years, just prior to her relapse when she leaned over, said "Mommy, I don't feel well..." as she began to pass out and vomit all at the same time. I snap myself out of the past to engage in "Good Morning Baltimore" as it bounces off the walls of the dark room. On one screen is John Travolta as a large woman and on the other I can see the beating heart of my one and only daughter. Both images ridiculous in their own right.

I am struck my how much bigger her heart actually looks and as I look more closely I can see the flaps letting the blood flow steadily through from one compartment to another. I try to see the examiner's face as she blocks of sections, saves them and then moves on to another. Emma seems to be fine. Lost in another world, checked out from this one. She was not happy to have to go back to Mass General. In fact, she does not want to be a part of it at all. Don't they understand? We are done with this chapter in our lives...but it almost seems as though they are hanging on...just looking for something that is wrong.

I squeeze her hand and take a deep breath, knowing that she is healthy. Knowing her heart is as strong as a horses. Knowing that there will not be devastating news following this test...unlike so many others. And even though I know all of these things, I also know that the feelings that haunt us live in these walls and that there is just no getting around them. Sure we laugh and joke and remember some of the funny things of the past, but underneath we are both fighting off those smells, faces and reminders that are so far and yet so close at the same time.

As Emma was getting dressed she winced and talked about how much it hurt and how hard the lady was pushing down on her. I had no idea. She has changed in that way. Years ago she would have let out a good screech just to let anyone know she was not happy. I gave her a hug and told her we only had two more things to do before we were outta there! Off the the EKG and then to have her labs drawn.

We left, in the height of Labor Day traffic on a Friday afternoon and as I drove down Storrow Drive I had the same thoughts I always do about how I should have planned something fun to do in the city. Perhaps we could have stayed over. As it was we were supposed to go and do some school shopping for her, but when I looked over I could see the exhaustion all over her face. "Wanna just go hom?" "Yea, let's just go home."

Emma promised herself this time that she was not going to let herself get exhausted from this visit, as I have done so many times in the past, but the truth is that it is what it is. And that is just draining. So we came home, put in a movie and ordered take out in an effort to pass the rest of the day and simply put it to bed!

Speaking of which...that is what I am off to do.
Good Night!

Empty What?

Hmmm...I sit and think to myself...what is it exactly that I am doing here? School has started and with that comes the idea that I will have time to myself and that sounds simply delightful. What I always forget about are all of the transitions and things that happen along the way that get in the way of that time! It is disjointed and without purpose. I mean I want to be here when Zach gets off the bus. After all it is my duty to keep him from becoming a one of "those" kids that runs loose in the streets of Exeter. Isn't it? Am I overreacting? Am I holding on too tightly? What does a 12 year old really know about the dangers of the big city, traffic rules and crazy drivers that don't see kids zipping in and out of driveways bumping along the curbs to catch air?
The truth of the matter is that I know he needs this time to be daring, independent and yes a bit crazy, but the truth is that the entire time he is gone...I am worried. Worried that some lunatic, like myself, is going to pull out of their driveway and not see them as they approach at neck-breaking speeds on the two wheelers or that he will go off of the rope swing as a rite of passage knowing I have forbidden him to. And yes, I know he will, but what about the fact that the river ebbs and flows as frequently as my emotions. One never really knows how deep it really is!!
So, as I wander along the path of parenthood I can only wonder...what is my new found role? That of eternal worrier? It is not that I don't trust him...well at least some of the time I do, but it is more that I don't trust the busy downtown that he is riding around in. I don't trust that he will be as cautious as I know you need to be.
I always thought living near town would be a blessing...and up until now it really has been. Now, I am fighting the constant activity and population of downtown and quite frankly, little ole me in the big house just doesn't cut it! Can you say B-O-R-I-N-G with a capital B??
And that leads me to another point. Just WHAT am I doing here? I mean really? I am home to say hello before he says good bye and is off downtown. And again I ask, what is my purpose? Do I really even have one or is it something I have created in my mind to make myself feel better? Would it, ultimately even matter if I was here or not? He could just as easily give me a call to tell me that he will be leaving. In the front door and out the back!
Freedom. The one thing I crave in my life for myself and at the same time it is the one thing that I am afraid to give him too much of! And so I sit, in front of my screen, worried and wondering and realizing I have GOT to get a life of my own!! ha ha ha!!
Just thinking....

One of THOSE people!

Yesterday I found myself in a place I said I would NEVER be!! You know the maniacs that set up their chairs outside of massive department stores to get the latest and greatest playstation or Wii or whatever. I have always looked at those people with judgemental eyes and thought they were just so weak to have given in to such consumerism, pawns to the big corporations of America. Little puppets on strings doing EXACTLY what the companies intended.
What is it with this frenzied mentality I would wonder and think, "I will NEVER be one of THOSE people!"
And guess what. Yesterday I was one of them as I stood in a line OUTside of an AT&T store hoping to get one of the all new iphones. Go figure...but honestly, I feel as though this deserves some kind of explanation! I did this with the best intentions...don't we all?
Let me start at the beginning. 6 years ago I became a Verizon customer and got myself a new phone. I loved my new phone and knew that it would be with me for years to come. Little did I know that Verizon had other plans for me. The phone calls started before my first two year contract was even up. They would let me know about the latest and greatest in technology and let me know that I would soon be eligible for an UPgrade. An upgrade? I just got this phone. Why would I need an upgrade. So I politely declined and went on with my life. The relationship was fine and I was, for the most part, happy with my service...until after those first phone calls started coming.
My phone, you see, mysteriously started to decline in it's capabilities. Service became a bit more sketchy and calls were dropped more frequently. I called the Verizon people and they game me some number to call to update my phone. And that helped...for a while. And the the phone calls started flooding in. I again, would tell that I did not need a new phone and then I got the response of a lifetime...."but Mam, these phones are only designed to last two years." Two years? Two Years? I was mortified and replied, "So you are intentionally designing and selling throw away phones?" Well, you can imagine she did not have a lot to say about that. Sooo....I set my heels in the ground and decided then and there that I would NOT buy or have another "throw away phone" and so my service slowly but surely continued to decline! It got to the point, nearly 5 years into this phone that I could only talk if I found a spot with LOTS of bars and did not move my head, never mind the car! What was the point? The point was that I was waiting. Waiting for the next generation of iphones because they were cheaper and well...designed NOT to be throw away phones. All of the software you can get on line and download and keep your phone current. I was waiting and waiting for a good year and in the meantime my phone failed just about every function it was supposed to perform. It was possessed, turning on and off at will and just for the fun of it. I would be teaching a class and you could hear it mysteriously turn itself on. It was almost comical...except for the fact that it worked in fewer places that it ever actually worked. I would NOT give in though.
The date had finally been set, July 11th and I was going to have the latest and greatest, but even more importantly I was going to have a phone that would last and be reliable and dependable. Yep! That was my plan and that was what landed me in a line of lunatics on July 12th...I missed the July 11th shipment due to work and there I was in line, bright and early to get my very own.
As I slinked to the back of the line I looked at these crazy people and laughed to myself that I had become one of them!! It was as though I had morphed into something I said I would never become. And with all of that I was excited at the prospect of finally getting rid of my throw away and welcoming something more permanent into my life!!
I found myself in line behind a sweet couple with three year old twins in tow. Wow! I thought to myself. If they are here with twins they are even more loopy than me! And yet the longer we stood in line the more I realized how much we had in common. She too had the same feelings about throw away phones and had been waiting as I had for this opportunity. We laughed as we exchanged cell phone horror stories and well..it all started to be a bit more sane!
And then the man in the tie came out and announced there were 36 phones left. What? How could there only be 36 phones left? What a marketing ploy. Apple was brilliant and I was caught in their web of genius and suddenly I did not like it. If I want something I want it then and I want it now. I would not find myself in another hideous line. Enough was enough. I wanted this phone and I wanted it today. So, I let it all go and started to intend and as the man, now counting customers came around the corner 33, 34, 35, 36....Yes! I was number 36!! It was going to be today! Too bad for the poor slobs behind me...and yet they stayed. They stayed with the hopes that someone else would get discouraged or bored and bail.
Hours later I found myself at the door. Yep....one 8 gig left and it was mine. I entered with an enormous smile on my face and made my purchase. After 5 years it was as though I had been let out of cell phone hell and was about to enter the 21st century with the rest of the world!
I smiled as I left and waved to all of my new found friends and told them to enjoy! As I left the rest of the people in line were turned away. Poor bastards...but heck, I had my phone and I was on my way!
I drove home calling people and revelling in the service...ahhhh....I could actually be driving in my car and talking at the same time....(I know you aren't supposed to do this and trust me I have not done it for years...but now I just HAD to because I could!!) I was in phone heaven and it was fabulous!!
Later that evening, I picked up my new iphone to "play" with it and discovered that it seemed to be frozen. It would not go on, it would not go off. It was frozen. Through and through. And here I find myself less than 24 hours later in complete and utter frustration...a return to phone hell!! Perhaps I am not meant for the 21st century and all of it's latest technology. I am honestly not sure what lesson I am supposed to be learning from all of this. All that I do know is that suddenly, my Monday morning is taking on new meaning as I realize I am back off to the apple store to get a replacement. I am done with AT&T and am going right to the source. Should I have done that to begin with? Yes, and in fact I actually even meant to. It was a mistake that I ended up in the AT&T store...or was it. I actually enjoyed meeting those people and forming our little phone connections in line. As for me...I am still without any cell phone coverage and although I have become one of "those" people, somehow I am still feeling as though I have gotten the runaround. What do you think?
Give me a call sometime...or not.

Bl – Bl – Blogging….

What a long strange trip it has been! But one that I am so glad I took the time to do! When I first started as a blogging virgin I never knew where this would lead or how I could or would manage it! So I started slowly, asking only one of my groups to blog. In no time, I was hooked with the idea of a virtual conversation to carry on with the ones that were started, and often abruptly ended in class. It has also provided me with another place to connect with each individual, something that is priceless because I am working with so many teachers!
I have also learned that blogging is not for everyone, and I get that. That is why when I tried starting up my own personal blog to see what would happen, I was very disappointed at how non-interactive it was. I don’t think I truly understood the nature of a blog or even the purpose of my own blog and so it sat, floating around in the virtual world, un-nurtured, unloved by all…even me!
It all started when I was invited to be a part of an artist’s blog. She is a young, vibrant woman who I connected with when we worked together in Deerfield. She had married, gone away and was pursuing her art degree and had left the world of teaching and all of her friends and family behind. She started a blog to connect herself with the creative souls that she was missing in her new home, in her new state, with her new husband, and her new career goals. The artful garden was a place that I would go every morning with my cup of coffee as I got to know people, interesting people through this crazy virtual world. It was magical. The conversations were so deep and thought-provoking. This was something I wanted more of!
So that is when I decided to start a blog of my own. But the interaction was not there and unfortunately, the interaction in the artful garden also waned. Busy people, busy lives. So how could I use this medium in my teaching world to make those deeper connections with teachers? Making blogging a part of their grade and requiring each one to go in a certain number of times and have those written conversations. It worked well in one school and so the second semester I integrated blogs into all of the groups of teachers I was working with. And I LOVE them!
I was also discovering the many different blogs that are out there. In the meantime, my sister started up a blog of her own and so it is to her place that I go each morning with my coffee. It is almost like having a daily conversation with her…getting to know what is on her mind and what it is she is thinking about on that given day. I am addicted. I am fascinated and I am upset if there is no fix. Her goal was to write EVERY day and I actually believed her! It is a sad day when I find no new entry on her blog!!
With my sister’s blog I discovered a new sense of purpose for my own. My idea of blogging was to create a virtual community. Hers was to make herself write every day. Could I perhaps change my purpose and make my blog more meaningful and purposeful for myself? I could, but with everything I have going on, I decided to just add things that I really wanted to have there. I would like to get to the point where I do write on it every day…no, not every day. There are very few things that I do EVERY day, other than brush my teeth, but as many days as week as I could. I can see how my sister’s writing has become even more powerful through her writing. Her voice has always been strong, but now the flow of her writing is amazing. Would I, could I become a better writer if I wrote deliberately every day? Of course, the answer is yes, and so this will be an ongoing goal for me.
And then there were the safety issues and privacy issues. So I started looking into edublog where one could close the learning communities and make them more secure, but every time I have gone onto that site I find it SO frustrating!! I do believe there are so many things I could do with it, but blogspot is just so much more user friendly and so with my frustrations in hand, I am just going to stick with what I know…for now. In the future I may consider using edublog if I can get myself to even work my way through one of the menus….can you say overwhelming???
And then in one of my schools the vice principal wanted access to their blog. I had to think this through and ultimately deny her, explaining that even though it was on line that I would never turn their journals over to her so this blog needed to remain private as well. A learning curve for us all!!

Then there is the research I have done as a blogging junkie! It is AMAZING once you venture into the world of blogging what you can find. People connecting through illnesses (my crazy sexy life), discussing the food sources in our world, global warming, politics, education and well as you can imagine the list goes on and on. And then you find one of those blogs that you just love! It is like you get to know a person through their writing and I find myself wanting to read more of their stuff and so I stop in when I have the time and see what they wrote about that week. It is SO amazing because you are in charge and well, it is almost as though you can read through newspaper column after feature articles after information articles but they are ALL of your choosing and the topics that you are most interested in!
I have also gotten to realize that for some the learning curve has been a brutal one. I still insist that those individuals plug through. We live in the information age and part of that is working to keep up with this technologically fast-paced world. I have heard frustrations and worries and also trust and know that for many it will never be a natural thing, but at least it will be something that they have tried.
So what next? Will I continue using blogs next year? I am not sure yet. What I do know is that I find myself discovering new purposes for each blog I create! My latest one is a “holding” place for the summer course I am designing on Music, art and literacy. I can store links to valuable websites, clips I want to show from the web and lists of books, articles and even movies that all relate to music and literacy. Nobody knows about this blog yet, but I will use it this summer as a reference point and also something that each person will be able to leave the class with as a reference point. That I am loving. In some ways it is helping me to be more virtually organized and to take advantage of all of the different ways I can use all of the technology that is out there. I will also reconsider my own blog (http://www.shinesistahs.blogspot.com/) and see just how I can make a commitment to that and if that is something that I even want to do! Check it out if you want to!!
So what have I learned about myself as a learner? I have rediscovered that I learn by observing, watching, using other people’s models and then diving in and doing. I do not like to read “how to’s” or tutorials, I have to “just DO it!” And with my learning style comes a great deal of frustration and then some successes along the way. I see what I am doing as part of a process that may only lead me to a new process or discovery. I am never done!!
I am a blogger and I love it! Wouldn’t you like to be a blogger too?

Thought Provoking...

What's it all about?

Helen Reddy sang this from the heart...what is it all about? I am not sure, all that I do know is that everywhere I turn right now...there is a pushing for me to work through and figure this all out. I am reading the new Oprah book, A New Earth and while I like parts of it, other parts are just annoying. What IS it all about? I wonder as I watch the YouTube video of a man, with three small children who is dying. He talks about life in terms of dreams and living to fulfill those dreams...but he is leaving behind the greatest dreams of all...his children. As I watch this I am frightened that I am wasting life. I am wasting moments where I need to be present, but am not because I am so caught up in what is or isn't or could or should or would be!
I see this more clearly as I try to be mindful, to live in the moment, to discover how to just "be". As much as I crave this enlightenment, the truth is that there are more moments that I am not in the moment. That is just the way it is. Not that this can't change...but really...what IS it all about? The constant battle to discover and find true peace in life has been a quest I have been on for years. Those rare moments when I am in the moment and am feeling nothing but a sense of calm and nothingness in a way. I want more of that...but this book says that by wanting more it is just the ego talking and well....there I am in the midst of a big spiral wondering...what is it all about?
I am not sure. All that I am sure about is that I need to be on this quest right now. It is part of my "january" mood that keeps me reflective and thinking and wondering....last year the theme was truth. What is truth? I read everything I could get my hands on about truth, but not one of them spoke to this idea in the way this book does! To read this book, there really is no truth. There are only the individual stories that we all make up to feed ourselves, to create our individual identities, to continue to define ourselves in terms of roles, society, groups and all of this just to feed the damned ego...to create what we want to see as a meaningful life. And yet life is not what we do, it is just being.
So I am off to just "be" for as long as I can before I have to get some exercise, to feel healthy, to walk the dog, to take care of the kids to entertain us all and well, never mind the laundry and the house that is crawling with dust bunnies. But of course, amidst all of this...can I just be? Perhaps that is what it is all about!! Who knows!!