I confess I am a great proponent of change.
In fact my life's work is to ask educators to think about change.
And yet when changes are forced upon me, I find myself so much more resistant to them.
Change has to come from within.
I know this through and through...
But when those changes are thrust on you out of circumstance all you can do is hold on and hope for the best. Personally I am going through SO many changes, including the "BIG" change. And for the most part I love it. I have let go of all of the "have to's" and I am no longer "shoulding" on myself!! I realize that in the end it is what we do with each day, each moment, each conversation that matters. It is what is in front of me in the here and now that I need to be working with in some way. Somehow without the monthly cycles I am more adept at letting things be instead of anticipating the next cycle, the next thing to do, the next thing to plan. I sound so evolved here don't I? Read on!!
And then there are the changes that are born out of the passing of time. Emma going off to college forces me to look back and see that time does not pass, it actually sprints and that you got to hold on for much of that ride in order not to miss it! I missed lots and I hope I did not miss the rest! As much as I tried staying present through the major child-rearing years I realize that in all my efforts I was still often the busy working Mom who did not embrace every moment, but I was there for the big stuff and the little stuff...but not everything. I did the best that I could and that is all there is!! No judgements about what I could have done better...and yet...
I find this incredible need to buy her stuff, send her stuff, and when I visit I make sure to buy her more stuff. Emma is not a stuff person, but my drive is palpable. It is a primal urge that moves me into the stores and asks, "Do you need more shampoo? Laundry detergent? A glass box? This necklace, God knows you only have like 50!!" Like she can't go to the local store and get that when I am not there!! And although I know this craziness is only in my head it is not something I can stop!
But what I am really trying to "buy" is an assurance that I have given her everything that she needs to go out into the world, to be independent, to survive and thrive on her own. And in all of my security there are insecurities that I have not yet done all that I needed to do and yet..it is too late. She is gone. She is on her own. It is a make it or break it situation and the ultimate test of parenting. As a friend of mine said, you teach them their whole lives to be independent and then dammit they actually go out and do it!! But my silly little fears are about the lack of control that I have and in that realization comes that change of letting go...the change that has been slammed into my life and that I must deal with in one way or another!! I have to let go. I have to trust that what I have done up until this point matters and that although she will have struggles and failures and victories and retreats that she has somewhere in her arsenal of life lessons something to deal with whatever it is that is presented to her. Change be damned...it happens whether you want it to or not so hang on and try to enjoy it on the way. I am certainly trying to!!
