Ramblings, Reiki and Rest

So I woke up this morning with that tinge of spring in the air and wondered...do I really even need to go to Florida this year?  While it has been a wildly mild winter, that hankering to just get away always seems to be there and once there is a destination and a plan in place it is like a reassurance that I will get through, yet another New England winter with some sense of sanity.  But there really has not been any winter!!

Change.  Strange.  The more I try to change the more I stay the same.  And yet this past week, after multiple changes taking place at the same time, I find myself not knowing what to do with  myself and how to do anything and so I have just been going with the flow, letting go of all of the routines and endless lists of things to do for the flow of life and just being.  For me being has been about people.  Taking the time to spend with people as opposed to the stacks of papers on my desk screaming louder than any one person and yet I ignored and chose the people.  It has been great. It has been different.  But how does this happen?  How can I stay in this place of flow without letting the world beat in on me with all of the "shoulds" and "have to's"?

Well...you see I am in the middle of Reiki training and the goal is to practice Reiki every day for 21 days. 16 days into that I decided to begin a 40 day meditation...not medication...although I see how much easier that would actually be and I chuckle that the words are so close to each other!  In addition on day 6 of Reiki I started a 21 day regiman of biodentical hormone cream to be applied twice a day for 21 days.  So who cares...right?  Well...here is the thing. I SUCK at doing ANYthing other than brushing my teeth, eating and going to bed, EVERY day!  The amount of things I have lined myself up with is only in addition to my daily vitamins, the goal to read and write every morning, do yoga, exercise, and to eat so that I can lose weight and feel better on the beaches of Florida.  In the midst of all of this I have to work, maintain a household and well...you all know how the list goes on and on.  We ALL have this and I know that and get it.  But I have to ask myself, why try to make so many commitments to change all at the same time?  Why not finish the 21 day cycle and then begin something else?

Impatience is the answer.  And so I set myself up for failure again and again.  Although in this case if you miss a day then you just start all over again...with the meditation that is.  The Reiki I have tried to be faithful to as it takes that 21 days to become attuned, but have I missed days?  Hell yes.  I have just not made the time to stay committed as I would like to be!!  What is wrong with me?  Why can't I just stick with something if even for just a short period of time?    And this, I see, is the story of my life when it comes to me.  I let those things go in the name of well...just about anything else?

So, I have decided that I am "in training" for the 40 day mediation...practicing it when I can and getting ready for the big 40 day commitment.  Phew.  That is a relief.  Now the Reiki I HAVE to do and although I am at 21 days tomorrow...I still see a few days that I have not done it.  This morning I tried to stay focussed and Reiki myself before getting out of bed.  And I did it!  In fact I was shocked to see that I had actually been doing it for 45 minutes!!  WOW!  And after that session it occurred to me that at so many times I wanted to shift my Reiki to someone else.  The dog, the cat, the house the world instead of on myself.  And it hit me that I can be committed to many things...but I am not so great at staying committed to myself!!

I meet with my Reiki Master on Wednesday and I am curious to discover all that I have yet to learn and yet at the same time to allow myself the forgiveness that I do not have to be perfect.  I definitely have this idea that there is a "right" way and if you are going to do something for a certain period of time then you just have to do it!  I realize my attention span for such things is about 2  weeks.  Then I seem to get bored and move on...upset that there are no instant results!!  This comes mostly in the name of trying new ways of eating to get some of this flub off of my flab!!  I have never been this  heavy before...minus pregnancies of course, but it is something that is making me CRAZY and although I have been essentially (yes some cheats for sure!) gluten free since Thanksgiving...I do feel better...but not one pound has left this old girl!!  I exercise at least and often twice a day, I meditate, I do yoga, I try to eat as well as humanly possible and yet I stay stuck.  I don't want to be stuck anymore.  THAT is why I am taking on so many new things at once and yet...I am still waiting for some kind of results...

So spring is in the air and I am still going to Florida and well..hopefully as I pack this week I will be able to fit into my summer clothes and what the hell...have a great time in the sunshine and attempt to go with the flow and just "be".  Time to trust in the process and know that although those pounds are hanging on for dear life that the rest of the stuff is just good for me...plain and simple.  Cheers!

A New Day

silence

stillness
the world's eyes opening
squinting
     stretching before
                    my
                        eyes
the sacred yawn of morn
brings a solitude
             of newness
hope, renewal and life

the woods
       my magical forest
with twinkling eyes
                        winking
surrounding me
as we usher in the
day as
one

Joyless January

I am mother, hear me roar!  My instinctual drive as mother is never one that I have questioned.  In that moment when I popped out that first little baby I knew, I was changed forever.  And that change was the most incredible, frightening and wonderful change of my life...for that time!  At that time there was really nothing more amazing and comfortable than loving that child....those children.    Love in it's most pure form, a feeling of peaceful warmth that fed me on more levels than I ever even knew existed.  They completed me.  (thank you Jerry McGuire)

Fast forward 18 and a half years and that same love is a love that is still joyous, but it is also hard.  It can be painful and sad.  I always knew that my children would leave one day, but what I was not prepared for was the loss of identity that I would experience with that leaving.  Sure, we have all heard of the empty nest, but I was sure that I would be one who would welcome the freedom to do and be and not always have to think about everyone else.  And while that is true to some extent, the loss that I feel is much greater than that sense of freedom.

I miss being a mother.  It is that simple and that complex.  Now of course, I am still a mother, but not the kind of mother that I was good at!  I LOVED the little ones, the days of endless finger painting with chocolate pudding and reading.  Seeing small bodies bundled in snow suits as they screech and sled out in the yard.  I miss those little voices, the small hands holding mine, those chubby little arms wrapping around my neck, the baby bouncing on my hip.  I just miss it.  I got it.  And so much of that time was stolen from us.  Stolen in its carefree nature and perhaps that is why I grieve for it.  Endless  days without schedules and without fear.  Those years were limited to 3 and a half.

This is not a post about Leukemia.  And yet maybe it is.  January is my darkest month for in this month 15 years ago Emma was diagnosed and the rest...well it just is.  I keep thinking this month will brighten for me as the years go on and yet it always seems to sneak up on me and suck the joy right out of me.  I am low.  I am flat.  I am without any sense of real joy.   It is Joyless January.

I was even skiing the other day with all of my favorite people and yet I was slow, removed, and felt that I had little to contribute to the conversations.  I am sad.  I am profoundly sad and I hate it.  I hate that I don't want to go anywhere and I don't want to do anything and there is nothing that gets me motivated or excited.  I just have these periods of grief and so I sit in them and wait.  Wait for them to pass...as they do.  But in the middle of it all...I got nothin'.  (Except a sinus infection and I am sure that is contributing to my low mood)

And yet...there is so much more than these passing blasts of sadness.  There is the sun that actually came out today.  There are friends and family who call and check in...keeping me connected whether I like it or not.  There are two amazing kids, no longer toddlers , but who are toddling to find their ways in the world and at this particular moment in time are happy.  I am thankful for their happiness, thankful for their health, and sad at their growing up all at the same time.

If I learned one thing through illness it is that life  is not an either/or, black and white, simple creation.  It is all of these things at the same time.  I am happy, I am sad.  I am all of these things and more.  And of course, when it comes to me...if you don't like my mood, just wait five minutes!!

And so I will peel myself off of this couch and get myself out into this world, sinus infection and all, and get some fresh air with the pup.   I have done my wallowing for today and now it is time to move on and get on with it.

Just Thinking....

Worlds Colliding

So, here it is. My attempt at taking everything that I am currently thinking about and putting it all together. What do I mean? I mean there is a knocking from within that is asking me to do some kind of project that will take what I know and what I am learning about education, teaching, learning, thinking and combine it somehow with my thinking about yoga, meditation, being and overall zen! Quite a tall order wouldn't you say? And yet is it?

It is my humble opinion that we are so lost on so many levels right now that it is scary. My belief is that our path was carved out for us on September 11th and that as a nation we have reacted kneejerkingly with fear. Fear has driven us as a people to make choices, give up freedoms and lose our collective and individual voices as never seen in this country before.

We are the land of the free, the home of the brave and yet they blow up our towers and we cower to whatever it is that we are "told" to do! And with the giving up of our power we have handed it willingly to those security guards at the airports and the people who are "above" who have NO idea what happens every day in a classroom and ultimately to those terrorists. They win.

We are so caught up in trying to walk the ever narrow tightrope of what everyone else has deemed important that we do not even see what is right in front of us and that is each other.

I see this most clearly in classrooms where teachers are teaching programs, curriculums, common core standards, GLE's, etc and not children. Lost in many cases is that human connection that keeps us all moving and wanting to live and be alive. A series of tasks to be completed, checklists to be checked, scores to be achieved takes all sense of wonder, curiosity, desire and the true beauty of learning.

Watch a person engage in something they are passionate about and you can see them glowing with that powerful yearning and desire to know more, do more, learn more. It is infectious. I watch my son Zachary as he spends hours pouring over my camera, reading the manual, experimenting with light, form, shape and color as a result of taking the one photography class offered at his high school. He is so in the zone that he can't even answer a question. Passion is driving him and it is a beautiful sight. A sight I have NEVER seen him have from taking any other class at school...ever.


One of his friends, has one of the most talented teachers I have ever had the privilege of having and knowing myself. Terry Moher was my writing instructor at UNH and working with her allowed me to free up my voice and to write that which needed to be written. Her open minded approach and remarkable conferring techniques allowed me to drive the bus of my own writing. Her questions and suggestions provocative, her manner accepting yet challenging at the same time. She also teaches here at Exeter High School and Zach's friend told me she is the best teacher he has ever had. In asking him to explain why he had to stop and think..

"Well, it is not that it is hard to get good grades, because it is not. It is more that it is the hardest class that I have because we have to think so much." He went on to talk about the choices that Terry allows these students. He talked about the choice she gave them to either write a paper or take a test. And if they did chose the test then they would also be responsible for helping her to come up with the questions for the test. You can see his mind working as he weighs these two ideas wondering if there is an easier way out...but he knows that either way he will have to think. And that leaves him thinking!! Thinking about his own thinking, learning and what it is that he has learned himself from reading Huck Finn. FABULOUS!!! Why? Terry teaches her students. It is that simple and that complicated.

So what does this have to do with my thinking? It is proof positive that when a teacher engages with students it matters. This does not mean that every teacher is going to reach every student, but it does show that if we try we can reach some of our students. I mean if there are more of us out there reaching out, trying to connect with students, work with students, be with children, curl up with a good book with kids, laugh with students, converse with kids, ask for opinions from our kid, LISTEN to them...and be human with them then we are going to see the change happen that we want to see in the world...thank you Ghandi! We need to break down the barrier of what came out of good intentions in the name of better education (based on fear mind you) and see our kids who are waiting on the other side. They NEED us as people. They NEED us to listen. The NEED us to be there for them for more than the basics. They are a very sensitive generation. They are the generation that is going to stop chasing the all mighty dollar and move to work in a more global world, and most of our schools are not in step with them on this journey. They will move on without us, but just imagine if we could facilitate and nurture all that they have to offer. They are brilliant. Their minds work differently having grown up as natives to technologies and yet we, the dinosaurs of technology bawk at it and try to find things wrong with it instead of accepting that is who they are, for better or worse and working WITH them and what they know! I believe in my heart of all hearts they are lightyears ahead of us all...but stuck in a system that models it's education after an industrial model...of which we no longer are!!


I worry that in my work as an educator for the past 20 plus years that we do NOT talk about kids anymore. The conversations, if led by the professionals themselves, tend to lean on what programs they are "doing", what scores their students are getting and not getting, and how little time they have in the day. When I used to sit down with teachers the conversations often started something like this, "I have this one student, James who hates to write..." Our conversations need to come back to those we are teaching because in the process the education system is becoming something that is nothing more than a series of checks and balances, as sterile as a hospital room, white, stark, blinding. It is less and less accessible to our students because they want more. They need more. They deserve more. It is no accident that the percentage of medicated kids is on the rise. I would need medication to stay awake in some of the classes I have observed as well...but WHY anesthetize our kids to cope with a system? Why not teach aesthetically and work to engage our students? They are smarter as a generation than we give them credit for. If we could all just take a collective breath together and begin to contemplate and see all of the insanity that is going on around us then perhaps we could begin to move our thinking back into the realm of humanity. We need to stop "DOING" school in the name of programs and test scores and all out systems failures. We need to jump out of the boxes we have put ourselves in and see that this is a system made up of people, not products and that people thrive and grow and change because of relationships and connections and thinking and curiosity, not because they happen to fill in the right or wrong dots with a number two pencil on a computer generated and scored tests.

And yet I also feel the need for a disclaimer to all of those dedicated, amazing, wonderful teachers out there(You KNOW who you are!!) who work to fight against all of these ideas and others as they slog their way through a confusing labyrinth of expectations, goals and trying to do the jobs that are expected of them and balancing that with the needs of their students. It is the ultimate juggling act with a million plates in the air and I admire you and know that I could not do the job that you do right now because for many of you there is so little freedom. My hope is that one day we will all return to the freedom to teach as we once knew it and that this "system" we are all in will find it's way back to humanity and out of the insanity it is in!! We need to stand up to fear and return to what we KNOW is good teaching and that begins with starting each year out getting to know our students, NOT testing them and placing them on a grid that means, ultimately, nothing to that child who is there and wanting to learn and often means even less to those who are teaching them!

Stepping down from the Soapbox...thank you for indulging me!

Cha, cha, cha changes...

I confess I am a great proponent of change.
In fact my life's work is to ask educators to think about change.
And yet when changes are forced upon me, I find myself so much more resistant to them.
Change has to come from within.
I know this through and through...

But when those changes are thrust on you out of circumstance all you can do is hold on and hope for the best. Personally I am going through SO many changes, including the "BIG" change. And for the most part I love it. I have let go of all of the "have to's" and I am no longer "shoulding" on myself!! I realize that in the end it is what we do with each day, each moment, each conversation that matters. It is what is in front of me in the here and now that I need to be working with in some way. Somehow without the monthly cycles I am more adept at letting things be instead of anticipating the next cycle, the next thing to do, the next thing to plan. I sound so evolved here don't I? Read on!!


And then there are the changes that are born out of the passing of time. Emma going off to college forces me to look back and see that time does not pass, it actually sprints and that you got to hold on for much of that ride in order not to miss it! I missed lots and I hope I did not miss the rest! As much as I tried staying present through the major child-rearing years I realize that in all my efforts I was still often the busy working Mom who did not embrace every moment, but I was there for the big stuff and the little stuff...but not everything. I did the best that I could and that is all there is!! No judgements about what I could have done better...and yet...

I find this incredible need to buy her stuff, send her stuff, and when I visit I make sure to buy her more stuff. Emma is not a stuff person, but my drive is palpable. It is a primal urge that moves me into the stores and asks, "Do you need more shampoo? Laundry detergent? A glass box? This necklace, God knows you only have like 50!!" Like she can't go to the local store and get that when I am not there!! And although I know this craziness is only in my head it is not something I can stop!

But what I am really trying to "buy" is an assurance that I have given her everything that she needs to go out into the world, to be independent, to survive and thrive on her own. And in all of my security there are insecurities that I have not yet done all that I needed to do and yet..it is too late. She is gone. She is on her own. It is a make it or break it situation and the ultimate test of parenting. As a friend of mine said, you teach them their whole lives to be independent and then dammit they actually go out and do it!! But my silly little fears are about the lack of control that I have and in that realization comes that change of letting go...the change that has been slammed into my life and that I must deal with in one way or another!! I have to let go. I have to trust that what I have done up until this point matters and that although she will have struggles and failures and victories and retreats that she has somewhere in her arsenal of life lessons something to deal with whatever it is that is presented to her. Change be damned...it happens whether you want it to or not so hang on and try to enjoy it on the way. I am certainly trying to!!

For the Love of Color

A fresh coat of paint made it's way onto the dining room walls yesterday. What a color it is. In the green family, a very new family for me. You see, I have never been a green girl. My world of paint color has seemed to stick in the more vibrant worlds of yellows, reds and oranges. I will never forget the first time I painted my living room red at the old house on Oaklands. It was like taking a huge tube of lipstick and watching it seep across the white walls. What a blast. I knew in that instant that I was addicted to color and the more the better, like the Halloween orange in my livingroom here on High Street. I remember Emma and I looking at the samples and wanting to go for it, but being nervous it was too much. After the initial strokes, there was no turning back and I have loved it everyday since.

You know time is passing when you paint the first room in the house that you painted when you first moved in. The dining room was the first canvas I dared to touch because so many of the colors in the house were very muted, pastelly and while they are not something I would have picked, I loved them...and still do. And the reason I felt I could do this room because it was clearly the one room that the woman who lived here before us, was unable to get to. It was still clad in a heavy, dark, maroon wallpaper that was so out of step with the rest of the house that flowed from room to room so beautifully. Even half of the woodwork was only done, leaving the dark heavy mantel and china cabinet next to the white woodwork of the windows. In a sense I felt the need to do that room, to finish the work that Jackie was never able to.

You see, Jackie still lives here too. Jackie raised her five year old son in this house. Jackie died in this house. From cancer. She also made sure we lived here, but that is another story. This one is of color and the choice I made yesterday would be very high on her list of selections. In fact, I would even venture to say that she helped lead me to this color. Greens...tough for one who is not naturally drawn to them I again went through the process and put various samples up on the walls. What I thought I wanted did not seem to be out there. So I started a survey and asked everyone who went through to give their vote and EVERY person picked the same one. And so that was it! I went to the paint store, bought a gallon of Benjamin Moore's Croquet, knowing if it was horrible I could always paint over it.

Glorious I tell you. Simply glorious!! The room is transformed into an elegant space that I am so excited to decorate with all natural elements. I want to create several pieces myself to give it that David Bromsted feeling that stamps it as my own. (You must be a HGTV junkie to know what I am talking about here!! LOVE Color Splash!) And as I envision my pieces I only hope that my skills will be able to keep up with what I am seeing in my mind's eye. Either way the excitement at the thought of creating is enough to get me a bit giddy! I am an idea person. I love ideas and have gotten to the point where I realize the ideas are so much fun that if I don't get to follow through with them then that is okay...because that creative processing piece gives me pause and I just LOVE that part of it all. Follow through is where I am always lacking, but again...we are talking about color here!!

So, on top of all of this is the woodwork, which is where this whole project started. I have always wanted to paint over the woodwork, but have avoided it like the plague because it is SO much work! So my Mom volunteered to do that and well...this dining room project was born. And that is where this project still is. Much woodwork to be done, but that first impact of a whole new fresh coat of paint is just like nothing else! God I love change and this green thing might be something to stick with! In celebration of such a move I even bought myself a pair of green sloggers...gardening clogs! NEVER before would I have picked green. Colors are part of who we are and where we are at that given point in time. Gone is the bright happy yellow from those dining room walls and in with the serene, calming, oh so elegant touch of croquet. So I say hello green. And is there a theme? I am actually gardening and enjoying it for the first time, and doing the weekly Farmer's Market CSA with SO much green coming into the house once a week it is a scramble to figure out what to do with it all, but hey...green is in. It is fashionable...it is hip and apparently, so am I!! Go green!

Barely 8 o"clock

It is barely 8 o'clock
and I have been to the beach
walked the dog
talked from the heart
listened with the soul
had precious time
with a dear old sole

Moving with the
fog...adding to
the community art project
of beach "trash"
Ushering in the day
with the waves on my heels
toes in the sand
ahhhh......breathe

It is barely 8 o'clock
I have sent off the
almost 100 riders of
the Granite State Quest
off to conquer the 100
miles that lie ahead of them

I have listened to the doc
in tight bicycle shorts
from Mass General
say that when he was born
most children died of cancer
I heard him say that today...
75 - 80 % of them are cured.
Tears start to form
Amazement and gratitude
seep through my being
as Emma's face flashes in my
head...I see Patricia
and time stands still
for just a moment.
She has been there for it
all. So much more
than a nurse practitioner.

It is barely 8 o'clock
I arrive back home
to sleeping teenagers
those damned birds still
trilling and tra la laing
in the day
what orchestra thrives
in those trees out back.

Feeling full.
Feeling hope.
More than despair
Ride on GSQers
Right on Dear old friend.
Looking forward to yet
another walk and talk
a "twalk" on the beach
with you

It is barely 8 o'clock
and my intention is to make
this sacred morning time
a part of my every day
for in the getting up
in the getting out
I cannot lie in my
own head
in my own bed
and worry the day away

Early morning time
there is no other time
quite like it.
A gentleness lies in
each minute as the day
begins to crack open
the sun yawns over the horizon
It is barely 8 o'clock
I am off to yoga
hello day...