Not even sure what I am going to write about today...I only know that there is something inside of me yearning to get out! Perhaps it is about the fact that that woman..can't ever remember her name, died on the bunny slopes from something called talk and die syndrome.. Reminding me that life is fleeting and that just two weeks before that I fell on my head skiing. I fell on my head, but I was wearing a helmet for the first time in my life. Was this my warning?
Perhaps it is about the fact that someone from one of my classes told me the other day that I remind them of that new judge on idol, Cara who could talk her way out of a hole and that that woman drives me so crazy that I fast forward her constantly...could I really be THAT annoying? Phu-leese...If I am anything like her in my classes then somebody needs to shut me up!!
Or maybe it is just about the fact that everyone I know around me is trying desperately to figure out life. There are so many of us, among the trenches who are fighting and working and struggling to keep marriages alive, others who have given up and are just there in the background and others who have found the strength to leave the fight and live on their own...no matter what the case, there does not seem to be anyone out there who is revelling and thriving in their relationships and for me this is...sad.
And for those who have left the battle, they find themselves faced with yet, another battle, the one that may even be more near and dear to my heart and that is the battle of the role of parent. I am the first to admit that if I had a life to live that was just my life I would be making some very different choices...but the bottom line is that I really don't feel as though this life is mine and only mine. That singular life of mine was altered forever the day I had my first baby.But no matter where you go, the same language is used...isn't it better to live a happy life than one that is sub par? Aren't you modelling this behavior of staying in an unhappy relationship to your children? Happy parents make happy children and while this all makes perfect sense cognitively...it does not make up for the total loss of family that a child loses in the process.
I saw this show on Oprah, yes Oprah the other day. This Mom was happily married and she even said, "in love" with her husband, but there was something inside of her that was just not right. To make a long story short...she is a lesbian and she never knew it. Today she seems to shine with happiness from within and is committed to yes, another woman. And although her daughters seem cool with all of this and had even teased their Mom about being gay before she even knew it, the pain on the mother's face when she saw her daughters talk about losing their family was evident. It is an either or situation. Both of her daughters were overweight and appeared to be happy on the outside, but still mourned that terrible loss and could not even talk about it without tearing up.
Can any of us do this to our children? And yet, people do it all the time. My kids have friends whose parents are both divorced and together and they all seem very well adjusted...there is always another way to look at all of this.And is it more than that? As I watch the stories unfold around me I can only wonder how each will write it's own ending and in the end...will it really matter? We are all ultimately searching for something that we can no longer fill with busyness and young children. We can no longer hide among the hidden for we have exposed ourselves and there is no going back.
Or is there? Is there any way to "go back". No, I can tell you from first hand experience that there is NO going back. There is only forward and with that forward we must bring our past with us...like it or not it is now a part of who we are.
And so people will go out and have affairs, people will stay in and only dream of another life and others will live with the uncertainty of what their spouses are "really" up to and allow their distrust to rule their lives. But living with distrust must be better than living alone...right?
And then I wonder about our physical location. Here in New England we are so much more rigid...less fluid to consider and less open to discuss things honestly and openly. I felt myself closing up slowly as I made the flight from Sedona to here. Back here to real life where we have to struggle each day to get out of bed to face yet another grey day here in paradise. Struggle to maintain the perfect image of family...and yet how many of us are doing just that...pretending?? And then there are the days where one gets through and feels a bit, if even a tiny bit content that their parenting went well or that they were there when their kids needed us and everything seems to come clearly into focus. This is where I am meant to be and there is no question...until the next moment when that question and so many others enter your consciousness and nags at you...life is short and one never knows just when it may be your turn to talk and die.
