Painful Past Procedures...

As I sat at her bedside I looked over, realizing she was more than double the size of when this all started. She has now grown breasts, has long flowing hair and yet those same eyes look at me with the familiar look of fear and anxiety. I can see it on her face. I can feel it as well.

It is only an echocardiogram, but it is so much more than an echocardiogram. It is the lingering memories of past procedures that creep up on you and bite you in the ass. One minute I am fine, watching Hairspray with her and the next I have flashed back 5 years, just prior to her relapse when she leaned over, said "Mommy, I don't feel well..." as she began to pass out and vomit all at the same time. I snap myself out of the past to engage in "Good Morning Baltimore" as it bounces off the walls of the dark room. On one screen is John Travolta as a large woman and on the other I can see the beating heart of my one and only daughter. Both images ridiculous in their own right.

I am struck my how much bigger her heart actually looks and as I look more closely I can see the flaps letting the blood flow steadily through from one compartment to another. I try to see the examiner's face as she blocks of sections, saves them and then moves on to another. Emma seems to be fine. Lost in another world, checked out from this one. She was not happy to have to go back to Mass General. In fact, she does not want to be a part of it at all. Don't they understand? We are done with this chapter in our lives...but it almost seems as though they are hanging on...just looking for something that is wrong.

I squeeze her hand and take a deep breath, knowing that she is healthy. Knowing her heart is as strong as a horses. Knowing that there will not be devastating news following this test...unlike so many others. And even though I know all of these things, I also know that the feelings that haunt us live in these walls and that there is just no getting around them. Sure we laugh and joke and remember some of the funny things of the past, but underneath we are both fighting off those smells, faces and reminders that are so far and yet so close at the same time.

As Emma was getting dressed she winced and talked about how much it hurt and how hard the lady was pushing down on her. I had no idea. She has changed in that way. Years ago she would have let out a good screech just to let anyone know she was not happy. I gave her a hug and told her we only had two more things to do before we were outta there! Off the the EKG and then to have her labs drawn.

We left, in the height of Labor Day traffic on a Friday afternoon and as I drove down Storrow Drive I had the same thoughts I always do about how I should have planned something fun to do in the city. Perhaps we could have stayed over. As it was we were supposed to go and do some school shopping for her, but when I looked over I could see the exhaustion all over her face. "Wanna just go hom?" "Yea, let's just go home."

Emma promised herself this time that she was not going to let herself get exhausted from this visit, as I have done so many times in the past, but the truth is that it is what it is. And that is just draining. So we came home, put in a movie and ordered take out in an effort to pass the rest of the day and simply put it to bed!

Speaking of which...that is what I am off to do.
Good Night!

Empty What?

Hmmm...I sit and think to myself...what is it exactly that I am doing here? School has started and with that comes the idea that I will have time to myself and that sounds simply delightful. What I always forget about are all of the transitions and things that happen along the way that get in the way of that time! It is disjointed and without purpose. I mean I want to be here when Zach gets off the bus. After all it is my duty to keep him from becoming a one of "those" kids that runs loose in the streets of Exeter. Isn't it? Am I overreacting? Am I holding on too tightly? What does a 12 year old really know about the dangers of the big city, traffic rules and crazy drivers that don't see kids zipping in and out of driveways bumping along the curbs to catch air?
The truth of the matter is that I know he needs this time to be daring, independent and yes a bit crazy, but the truth is that the entire time he is gone...I am worried. Worried that some lunatic, like myself, is going to pull out of their driveway and not see them as they approach at neck-breaking speeds on the two wheelers or that he will go off of the rope swing as a rite of passage knowing I have forbidden him to. And yes, I know he will, but what about the fact that the river ebbs and flows as frequently as my emotions. One never really knows how deep it really is!!
So, as I wander along the path of parenthood I can only wonder...what is my new found role? That of eternal worrier? It is not that I don't trust him...well at least some of the time I do, but it is more that I don't trust the busy downtown that he is riding around in. I don't trust that he will be as cautious as I know you need to be.
I always thought living near town would be a blessing...and up until now it really has been. Now, I am fighting the constant activity and population of downtown and quite frankly, little ole me in the big house just doesn't cut it! Can you say B-O-R-I-N-G with a capital B??
And that leads me to another point. Just WHAT am I doing here? I mean really? I am home to say hello before he says good bye and is off downtown. And again I ask, what is my purpose? Do I really even have one or is it something I have created in my mind to make myself feel better? Would it, ultimately even matter if I was here or not? He could just as easily give me a call to tell me that he will be leaving. In the front door and out the back!
Freedom. The one thing I crave in my life for myself and at the same time it is the one thing that I am afraid to give him too much of! And so I sit, in front of my screen, worried and wondering and realizing I have GOT to get a life of my own!! ha ha ha!!
Just thinking....