Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Balance


Balance...                                        

It is always there
hanging in the balance.
The here and the now
waiting to be siezed.

Weighing the consequences
teetering on the edge
of sanity
only a thread keeping you afloat

with each step comes
another revelation
on the uncertain
tightrope of life.

One wrong misstep
the endless plunge
trusting
hoping
knowing
that no matter what

the inability to make
any more
becomes your heaviest load
the agony of hanging in the
balance
larger than life
living for others

waiting for the line
to snap for you
when really
all you have to
do is leap
and trust
and
the
rest
will
come

with pain
tolerable pain
and change
very real
and
honest
and
open
change...


Tuesday, September 25, 2012

The Hills Are Alive

With the sound of music...the kind of music that speaks to me from every cell in my aching body.  Just up at 9 this morning after a glorious 26 hours out in the wilderness of our very own White Mountains where we hiked and spent the night in The AMC Greenleaf Hut looking out on the massive Mount Lafayette that we had just partially descended  to the hut.  But I get ahead of myself.

You see this all began at dinner with friends one night when I mentioned this was something I had always wanted to do.  And so we did it!  It was THAT simple.  We picked a date, called the AMC and made a plan about a month away...giving some of us time to "get in shape" for the endeavor.  And so this hike loomed ahead of me and the closer it got the more nervous I became.  Why?  I kept asking myself...why am I so nervous?  I was nervous because the last time I took on such a hike was easily over 20 years ago..in the pre -marriage, pre-kids era of my life and while I have done numerous day hikes since, an overnighter had been a thing of the past!

And so I did what all logical people do when in training...I went marathon shopping!!  I bought new boots, because my old ones were worn out and giving me blisters on my practice hikes up Kearsarge and the Cascades.  I bought the perfect sized itty bitty backpack complete with a bladder, because I have never had one and the smaller it was the less I had to carry!   I bought...well my mother actually bought me trekking poles for my early Christmas present!  And although I thought I was all shopped out, the idea of actual hiking pants became more and more needed the closer the hike came.  Yes, I was shopped out and now I was ready?  Right?
Nope.

 I also started interval training with a strength component and a cardio component that included sprints.  Now if you know anything about me at ALL you know that I HATE to run so running as fast as I can does not make it any easier or better.  You see, people with big boobs just shouldn't have to do sprints.  They hurt.  Or as my son, Zachary seems to think when I was telling him about my daily workout asked, "did anyone see you sprinting?"  the sheer horror on his face was absolutely hilarious.  I shrugged my shoulders not knowing as he proclaimed, "Mom, women over 40 just shouldn't sprint!"  And while I know this sounds sexist, I also understood that he specifically meant me and my bouncing boobs.  Oh the horror of one of his friends actually seeing me!  But I digress.  I pushed on in my training and was more faithful than an old dog.  I began to feel stronger, but still was concerned I was not strong enough in my 48 year old bones to hack the hike that loomed on the horizon.  And in week 4 of my training I found myself feeling worse instead of better.

And so I started to develop some ailments in the last week before our ascent.  Suddenly I was feeling my knees as I was walking down the stairs and well, my ankle found a hitch in itself and was that some actual swelling down around my left ankle? Suddenly the seasonal allergies were worse than ever.  "Nope", I thought to myself, "I am not going to be able to do this"  I looked at the 10 day forecast and saw there was a 30% chance or is that 50% chance of rain on Sunday?    And I thought to myself, "NO way am I doing something this major in the rain!"  And the negative thoughts and bodily ailments continued as I wondered what had happened to my adventurous soul who used to just get up and go out and DO things without any other thoughts.  Where is she and why is this worrying sorry sac of an achy soul taking over?  Was it my mind, body, spirit or all 3 thinking of taking this one and sitting on the bench?  But I was committed and the closer the date came the better the forecast got and the more I realized that no matter what ache, pain, ailment, thoughts, ideas. doubts, fears that I had...more than anything I HAD to go for it!!  And I did.

We started out on the Falling Waters Trail and hiked up to Mount Haystack.  This is THE most gorgeous trail, particularly in the beginning where you are following the river and you weave back and forth across it.  Typically I am always a nervous nellie crossing rivers, but with my trusty new poles, I found my confidence was high and crossing was actually quite easy!!  Upward and onward you begin to meet the "falling waters" the trail is named after as you discover one waterfall after another.  Hiking with the sound of the water cascading in the background is soothing and inspiring as the energy from the water spurred me on and the cool breeze kept us all the perfect temperature.

We began our hike at about 10:30 and the beginning of this trail was kind.  It was steep in parts, but really quite forgiving as it eases you into the steeper parts to come.  We stopped for water breaks and an occasional handful of gorp and then pressed on at a good pace...well good for me anyway as I was often the one in the lead!!  This too was a new posture for me as in all of my outdoor adventures,  whether skiing or hiking, I prefer to bring up the back of the pack.  Not sure why, but for some reason everyone kept urging me to the front and with my poles to help heft me up every steep rock I just went with it.  My hiking companions were kind, keeping me in mind with my worries and fears and allowing me to set the pace without feeling the need to hurry on.  THIS was priceless and I didn't even realize how much so until this moment.  We finally stopped for a lunch break at Sliding rock, a brief shoot off the trail with a fabulous view.  We gobbled down our sandwiches and took some time to rest and enjoy on this rock ledge the gorgeous views all around.  Here is Hank resting it up!


After this lunch break things really started to rev up and get steep.  But honestly it never got as steep as I had feared as memories from 20 years ago hiking out Mount Flume loomed in my mind.  It was steep, but it was doable.  We took our time and it was just fine.  As we climbed I wondered to myself, "what in the hell were you so worried about?"  And onward we pressed , the steepest of steeps in this loop.  Here are Lila and Hank coming up a steeper part.

We finally hit the alpine zone and before I knew it we were coming to the top.  Once you cross over the tree line things everywhere change around you and the excitement of almost being there begins to take over as I found myself moving faster and faster to get there!!  At this point Jeff lurched into a sprint in an effort to get there first.  The guys were gone and I found myself lingering just to begin to look at the views that were emerging.  In no time we had summited Mount Haystack.  Here we are at the top of our first peak of the day!!



Lila and I at Peak number one, Mt. Haystack!!

Mt Lincoln in the distance.


Behind us you can see Mount Lincoln which was our second Peak of the day.  As we moved along the ridge we were amazed at the sheer beauty and clarity of the day.  It was like being on top of the world and the rush of happiness I experienced was so pure.  We moved our way along the ridge from peak to peak and it was like you weren't even hiking anymore as there was so much beauty to take in.  Although it looks like we were cold, we were not.  The wind was very mild, but it was a bit chilly.  I remember walking along the ridge thinking, "I just don't want this to ever end!!"  Here we are along the ridge and and Peak 2, Mount Lincoln.


This is  a cairn I built asking everyone to pick out a rock to add to it.  We left our mark!




Lila and Hank taking it all in.






Peak Number 2!!  Mount Lincoln.

Peak Number 2!!
 And then onto to Mt. Lafayette...THE final peak of the day!!  It is amazing how close it looks and how long it actually gets to get there, but the high of being on top of the world just pulsed on and adrenaline was my best friend!!  I have included so many pictures because it is hard to just choose a few.  And the pictures don't even show it!!











Mt Lafayette Marker!  WE MADE IT!!  WAHOOOOOO!!!!


Peak Number 3!!  Mount Lafayette!!




Lila and Hank on top of Lafayette!!

Jeff and I on top of Lafayette!!










 And thus we begin our ascent down Lafayette to Greenleaf hut for the night.  And as my iphone died at this point, I ran out of water and the day began to turn a bit cooler we started our way down, down, down.  This, for me was the longest part of the day.  I had had my 3 hour high and was now looking forward to getting to the hut and resting my weary bones.  It took us much longer to come down and the hard part is that the hut is so close it looks like you can touch it.  But it is quite far as you traverse one knoll and then another and then a final upward part to arrive.  Arriving was heaven, and it was 5:30 and dinner was served promptly at 6.  We chose our bunk room, not hard to do as on this Sunday night in September they only had 16 guests to arrive when full capacity is 48!  So we had a bunk room to ourselves and dinner was hot and delicious and we spent our night playing scrabble, sipping red wine and whiskey until it was lights out at the cabin at 9am.  We had our first couples sleepover and woke up early to the sound of a beautiful voice accompanied by the ukulele at 6:30 am announcing breakfast was to be served at 7.  We ate another delicious meal and hit the trail home at about 9.  It took us about 3 plus hours to get down as we took our time and took advantage of every gorgeous view along the way.  We talked and sang and marveled again at the weather and how we lucked out with THE most perfect September weather!!

And so I leave this post thinking about my next hike and where to go and what my next adventure will entail.  I am hooked.  I am hooked to the views, I am hooked to being "unhooked" and being out in the wilderness to remind myself that life is only as complicated as we make it...and boy do I do a good job at that!!  I thought this was going to be something to check of my imaginary bucket list, but I think it has more to do with thinking about how I want to spend the rest of my life.

Much of my purpose in life has been trying to make this world a better place for us all...particularly in the realm of education.  And while is has always been my life's work...I see that work shifting.  The shift is internal as I consider not how I can "fix" everything, but how I can make and take the time to enjoy the beauty that is all around us each and every day.  I am done trying to fix for now.  It is too hard and too frustrating.  If only it was as easy as climbing a mountain and the rewards as rewarding.  But for now I leave this lengthy post elated to have gone and done and perhaps having rediscovered that adventurous part of myself that got lost in marriage, motherhood and responsibility...all self-imposed I realize!!!!  She is still there and I feel her growing and needing more and I love to have her back.   Life is short.  Let's do this!



Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Cuba On My Mind...



I wake each morning
different somehow
and yet I know not
what to do with it.

Cuba changed me
I say...but how?
And what does that
really
mean?

As I sit in my big
beautiful house I can
only think of those with
OUT
freedom
rights
food
money
independence
opportunity
hope
expression
FREEDOM

And in this life
I have the freedom
and what do I do with it?
Do I do all
that I can do?
Can I do more?
Am I called to do more?
Do I want to be
called to do more?
What can one
person do?
What is more?
What do I do with
this?
Cuba on my mind..


Thursday, July 12, 2012

Cuban Reflections For Today...

A land of contradictions
Fractured Families
Confusion
Coercion
Communism
Classes
Creation
and music
A land not of the free
but of the very brave


A land frozen in time
a warped living museum
driving around in 54 Chevy's and
59 Fords some shiny and new
others barely running





An ancient crumbling city
A single man
with a shovel
amid the rubble
of decades of decline
stone by stone


Broken seats among deceit
the bottom falling out everywhere
the old man on the floor
the broken chair taken from around him
as another one collapses
slamming another trusting
soul to the hard marble floor

Big brown eyes
of a boy peering in at me
at lunch

Eyes of the old, the young,
the depressed and the ones
who smile through it all



























One slumped man along
the Malecon
I give him 3 cuc
where he sits and counts it
Wanting to do so much more

A people imprisoned
while others live in lavish
A place where peace
could not, would not...or
does it exist?



Houses bugged
cars bugged
hotels bugged
whispered conversations
near and far
you are never really alone

Freedom is worth fighting
for
For without it
there is...

Monday, April 30, 2012

Dear Mother Dear Teacher


Dear Mother,
I wanted to update you on your son's grades for biology per your request in the last email.  He could really use someone quizzing him the night before a test on the vocabulary.  I give flashcards out so it makes studying a little easier, along with a review sheet and practice problems for each test. If Zach is studying he is doing it passively, like reading through his notes, but what he needs to do is actively write down or perform practice problems, with the notes put away, so that he sees exactly where his weaknesses are and study those topics.

I think Zach tends to coast along and he could do with some more study time at home.  It is hard for soph boys to see how mediocre grades can affect their future track in life.  I think expecting B's from Zach is reasonable and he could do it, if he gets a little more organized and motivated.  I also wanted to tell you that I update powerschool at least once a week, so you can always log in and check on his progress there.  You can also check on his attendance record and number of tardies for the year.   It is a great tool for Zach to monitor himself and for you to feel like you know what is happening while letting him remain autonomous.  You can set it up to send you emails once a month or biweekly, so you don't even have to remember to do it. I also have a moodle site that has all of the homework assignments and upcoming test dates, so that you can help Zach become more organized and prepared. My moodle site has guest access so you don't have to log in, but you will need to login to Powerschool with a username and password. 

If Zach could get his homework done well and on time and spend a little more time studying for tests, I think you would see a drastic increase in his grades in class and on tests. Zach is always polite in class and has a smile on his face, so his personality will get him far and with good grades he would have even more opportunities. Please contact me if you have any questions or comments, Teacher


Dear Teacher,
Thank you for getting back to me.
As I read your report on Zachary I am reminded of an article I read recently.  
I hope you will read it and read it with an open mind.
Here it is!!


We are teaching a new generation here and while flashcards worked or didn't work for us, this is   a new generation of new thinkers!  As a fellow educator I feel it is our job to figure out where they are and to meet them there...at least half way.

Zach's lack of engagement is often labeled as "lazy" or as you stated that he does not "study well".  What exactly does it mean to study well and who has ever taught any of our kids to actually "study well"?  Does that mean using flash cards?  What if flash cards don't work for all students?  Haven't we come further than flash cards?

You also mention that he studies "passively".  I could not agree more.  There are no subjects at school, other than photography that Zach is "actively" involved in studying. (Digital photography that is)
This makes me so sad as a mother...you cannot even imagine.  Zach is one of the most creative and innovative people I know.  At home he is always tinkering with something,
thinking about how to improve his latest endeavor, scouring the internet for information, trying things out, taking risks, creating and his motivation is intrinsic.  School does not
provide ANY of that for Zachary or may I even say most of our students these days.  WE, as teachers, teach like we were taught but the problem is that these kids are wired
differently.  They like fast paced information with graphics first and instant feedback.  They are brilliant beyond words and  yet none of that is valued in our schools where kids move from
one class to the next, slowing down their minds and trying to pay attention to one person talking class after class after class.

I am not criticizing you...I just want to ask that you read this article and consider the language used in describing Zachary.  I wish you knew him the way I do and that is 
not just as his mother, but as a fellow educator who wants more for all of our kids in the public school systems.  I am in schools all over the state and still we teach the same
and ignore all that our students bring with them in terms of their worlds and technology.  On the flip side I am in first grade classrooms with smartboards where kids are constantly using and engaging with technology and even skyping with their penpals out in California!  Other teachers are using Edmondo to allow their students to ask questions in on online community where they can feel safe to explore subjects of their own choosing.  Fourth graders are blogging, 8th graders are a part of Good Reads and the list goes on.  Unfortunately, short of power point, I cannot think of even one technologically driven assignment and our High School was built completely outfitted for such advancements.  Have you seen that television recording studio?  Why aren't students creating TV shows that talk about the impact of biology in their community...just as a start!

I would expect A's of Zachary and beyond because he is smart and he gets things easily.  You would only expect B's.  How sad.  Shouldn't we expect A's from all of our students and help them get to A's if they are not there??  The problem lies on many levels though.  He IS motivated and organized when
he is invested in something.  School is out of touch for him and for many around him.  And while the prospect of learning biology through a video game might seem outlandish, I can
tell you that when there is even the slightest hint of using technology in an assignment Zachary is all over it.  He spends hours taking and editing his own videos.  What if he
could "create" something to show his learning to replace an assign and test kind of teaching?  Can you imagine the possibilities and all we could learn from these Digital Natives?

I am never sure how much to say.  It is just so hard to hear that Zachary is so disengaged in school knowing that he spends most of his day there.  And of course the standard 
answer that I have gotten from both his guidance counselor and the Vice Principal is that it is a "systems failure".  That there is nothing we can do for Zachary within this system because it is
the way it is.  The Vice Principal even said his son  struggled at this same high school and that my job was to just help Zachary suffer through it.  WOW!!  That is helpful now isn't it?  REALLY??  I think we can and need to do more and Zachary is not alone by any means.  How many kids...and even more specifically boys, are like Zachary that you teach each day?  After a while we have 
to ask ourselves if there is more we could be doing...don't we?

I teach in classrooms from first grade through the graduate level and my question to myself is always the same...if they (my students) are not getting something then what can I do to help them to come to a fuller understanding?  I want thinking...not just memorization for a test that is gone the next day.  I want my students to connect what they are learning to their own lives and to consider how what they are learning might impact how they are in the world.  Biology has so many implications for this kind of thinking...but right now I don't think Zachary thinks biology has anything to do with him.  Does that make any sense?

My daughter went to Phillips Exeter and she LOVED biology because they sat around and discussed biology!  She is now at Kenyon college and considering becoming a Biology major.  I wish that Zachary had an opportunity within the public schools to learn in a socratic method...but for some reason we rule that out as impossible and we stay with what we know.  Assign and test.  Assign and test. 

The irony is that the technology that teachers has been given, in the name of powerschool, is one that only increases the mentality of assign and test to get the almighty grade.  Emphasis is SO heavily  weighted on the grades and not what is being learned.  So many of our kids are not motivated by grades anymore.   And the stories I could tell you about parents fighting with their kids over homework EVERY day!  I did that all last year.  It nearly killed me and my relationship with my son. Powerschool only added to the anxiety as we would look at the grades and he would talk about the things that had not yet been posted...the homework that he did pass in and every teacher is incredibly different in their
use of Powerschool.  I stopped looking at Powerschool and and now looking at my son.  This kind of constant helicopter parent monitoring is not only ruining parent child relationships, but it is
also sad that it is the part of technology that teachers have been offered in a world of SO much more to be offered.  I can tell you there are parents who check powerschool hourly.  How is that
creating responsible and independent learners to go out into the world.  They need to fail in order to learn, but with high stakes grading and test taking there is very little room for failure of any
kind for our kids.  I feel sad for them as the greatest things I ever learned in life came from failures.  We as a generation are afraid to let our kids fail....

And your final paragraph speaks of opportunities....and the lack of opportunities Zachary will have because the opportunities offered to him right now are so narrow.  THAT is the greatest rub
of all.  It says conform to how WE teach and how WE think or your chances in life are well...less than stellar!  The system as is, is designed, particularly with Powerschool, to work against students.
If Zach gets a 0 on a homework it takes 6 A's for him to make that up.  The scale is heavily weighted towards failure...NOT success!  In my mind an A and an F should average to a C?  Right?  No.
In this point system it averages to an F.  There is very little room for risk taking and even less room for less than perfection.  It is a tough world for these kids to thrive in when their other worlds
are so rich with color, light, movement, flexibility, technology and a fast paced life where they are connected.  Zach is unplugged at school...I only wish you could see him "plugged in" in the worlds
that matter to him and that together we could find a way to light up the hallways of our schools where classrooms were interactive and students were truly engaged and not just  "getting through"
this period to get to the next.

But I am a dreamer.  

Please just take a moment to read this article as it is most fascinating on so many levels.  And honestly if I had to give you a grade right now...well let's just say I would suggest that you too might need some more study time and hey...what about some flash cards?


Thanks for "listening".
Tomasen







Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Creating Spaces Inside and Out!

"I woke up this morning with my mind, standing on Freedom."



I woke up this morning with this song in my head and realized I had felt more free than I have in a very long time.  I have been so OVERly focussed on the OUTSIDE,  getting my body into shape, eating right and obsessing over the numbers on the scale that refuse to move that I had been completely ignoring what was stirring INSIDE...these urges of creativity that are so intense that I don't even know what to do with them and I have not made the time for them at all.

I know they are there as I daydream about my upcoming trip to Cuba and the pictures I cannot wait to capture and the words, watercolors and images that I will record in my notebook, but Cuba is still months away and yet I have been ignoring these surges of urges.  That was until yesterday...

Yes.  Yesterday I made my way back to my "art space" that I created last spring.  Yes, I started out with high hopes that with a dedicated space I would take care of my creative self...regardless of what anyone else thought.  But then work started and well...the space was eventually cleaned up and although I have had small spurts of revisiting this space, it was, for most of this year, the piano room.



But then yesterday I said no to exercise and yes to art!  I pulled out all of my collaging materials, mod podge, watercolors, notebooks, paintbrushes and I just started making messes.  And one mess led to another and another.  At one point I was in such a frenzy that I was collaging with one hand and sprinkling salt on my watercolor with another.   And as much as the gardens were calling to me and the dog lovingly pleaded for her daily walk I said NO to the rest of it and let the day be devoted to messy creating, experimentation,  and ideas for projects abound.
The Notebook I collages yesterday.


Zach's workbench
Emma's handmade teapot and Laura's artwork keep me company!
Shared Space with Zach's Boards!


I had to tear myself away from this space to go to Zach's lacrosse game but not until I grabbed my camera, complete with a new kick ass zoom lens that I got for my birthday and I was off.


Zach right after he scored!!
I arrived to see all of the friendly parents up in the bleachers, but I stopped and stood by the field and was content in my aloneness to just play with the camera and this new lens.  What a joy it was taking pictures and actually being able to get so close to Zach on the field I could see his facial expressions.  The need to feed the creative beast inside was no way near done!

Zach # 17

So then I woke up this morning brimming with projects, ideas and everyone I read or heard from this morning on line gave me a new idea.  There are so many that I can't even begin to process so I decided I would start here...where I was inspired by my dear artist friend, Laura, and her images that she posted on Facebook this morning of her studio.  And then it dawned on me.  She was artistically capturing her artistry and that was something I wanted to do.

So here is my newly revisited "art space" that I have been creating.  It is heavenly with an old piano for a workbench, natural light and a shared space with my son Zachary where he "does" his artwork on longboards.  The piano bench is is work bench and his boards are lovingly displayed as well.

So enough with the words and on with the images.   I mean you get the picture...right?





South Beach Martha's Vineyard 2007

South Beach Martha's Vineyard 2007