I find myself searching for times to take extra trips to the grocery store, to the park or just anywhere because Emma needs to get in 40 hours, yes, that is what I said, 40 hours of driving under her belt before she can even think about going for her license. Now let's think about that...really. That means that essentially she has to drive about 2000 miles...in the next 5 weeks. And that would be at a good clip of a good 65 mph. This new requirement, just doubled from the 20 hours that many of her friends had a hard time getting in. How would we find 40 extra hours in lives?
Emma has been driving since she turned 15 and a half in January, but with icy conditions, snowstorms and a very busy schedule, her daily drive to school and back was not exactly packing in the hours. 5 to 7 minutes to school and the same coming home. Can I count more time if we find a traffic jam and just sit in it? For each time she drives she has to enter not only the time, but also any "special" skills she worked on at the time. We are getting good at it, lane changes, night driving, parking, merging and well...the list goes on.
What this does force us to do is to be very aware of all of the things a driver does do. And although I am not opposed to this idea of practice, in fact I am very much in favor of it as I have seen Emma become so much more confident behind the wheel each time we get into the car. I can appreciate the state's devotion to practice as the one thing that will make her and any kid a better driver. Thank goodness because they are all going to be on the road with us!
And like anything, I see young drivers behind the wheel all of the time now. It is like when you are pregnant, every thing you see, hear and touch is baby, baby, baby. It even seems as though the commercials on TV change to be sure to include your current situation. But the reality is that that is where my brain is and so I am keenly aware as I sit on my front porch and see the Kenney's van go by, go to wave and then realize that behind the wheel I see long dark hair flowing in the wind as Eliza, one of Em's best friend go flying by. And it stops me for a moment. Soon there will be all of those kids that were just in kindergarten behind the wheel driving, driving driving.
The first day Emma started Driver's Ed, I dropped her off feeling anxious and very nervous. She was sure she would not know anyone and as the crowd assembled outside the driver's ed classroom I flashed back to this same group of kids standing on the playground at Main Street School waiting to be assigned to the right lines as they began their first days at kindergarten. Seeing time pass you by in the form of another human being is quite astounding.
When I look at Emma I see her there...but at other times I see her at 3. Pudgy little hands, a head of wild curly red hair and a mouth that never stopped talking. I can even feel her hand in mine as she would skip beside me on our way into the grocery store. Those same hands, now bigger than mine, are on the steering wheel. The wheel where she needs to spend 40 hours in the next 5 weeks!
And so I go off here...but my point was supposed to be that I am amazed that when it comes to something we do physically, the idea of practice, practice and more practice is the standard practice, but when it comes to intellectual development in our public schools it is all about...not time to practice, we have got to move on to the next thing.
What if that were the case with driver's ed? Sorry kids...no time for you to be behind the wheel because the amount of things we have to cover had doubled, tripled even and so we need to move quickly as you sit in your seats and I throw all of this information at you, but sorry, no time to practice.
What would we have on our hands but a pool of grossly inadequate, inexperienced drivers on our roads...but that doesn't happen because we all know and can see the difference in time spent. Will they still be inexperienced? Hell yea, but much less so than if they had to do this without the practice.
Emma has yet to get on the highway. I remember what that was like for me and I lived up in the sticks off of 89 where there were no other cars on the highway. Here, to get onto 101 or 95 is absolutely going to be a harrowing experience and one that we need to try to do soon, but not until she is ready.
I asked her yesterday on our trip to Staples if she wanted to try getting on 101 and going one exit on the highway to which she responded, sure...but how do I do that? As I started to tell her I could see her knuckles tighten on the steering wheel and her nerves increase. I stopped and asked, for fear of my own life and hers, if maybe she wanted to do it another time. She replied immediately, "yes". She was just not ready. And I can appreciate that and wait. Wait for her to find the confidence she needs to feel she can do it and not be a nervous wreck! And me too!
And I haven't even talked about what it is like to be in the passengers seat, but that is a whole other blog!!
And so I leave you with one thought...when is the last time your child was given the opportunity to read as homework. Just read, or write for practice? When was the last time that something was done in the name of practice and not just for a grade. Practice allows us the time we need to get ready for the "big show". It allows for mistakes, mishaps and risk-taking. If everything out kids do is a final end game, then where is the time for the practice? We have lost our way in education more than I can even think about. We have lost our way and sometimes I am not sure we are going to find our way back, but in the end we need to remember and not ever forget that the best measure of making progress is time spent doing something over and over, in different ways, over and over and over. And although I have no idea HOW we are going to find 40 hours of driving time, I do feel good to know that every young child will have that under their belt before driving off into the horizon! Taking into account, that is, that people are cheating on their recording of the hours. And I am sure THAT would never happen! ha ha ha
There was a good ending to this somewhere in my head, but as it turned out to ramble a bit I will just end it here...
Just thinking.....
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
I Believe...Writing at the Retreat...
Love, Laughter and Leukemia
I believe in the power of change. I believe in going with the flow and embracing flexibility, fear, not knowing and inspiration through the process of change. I believe we cannot wait to do what is best because all we may have is today. I believe in passion and inspiration and impulsivity. I believe in intuition and improvisation as we work each moment to make it matter. I believe we have one life and one life only. This is not a dress rehearsal and so we must strive for every moment to count. I believe in joy, laughter and fun. I believe we can have all of these things as we embrace the process of life that is forever changing whether we like it or not. I believe there is so much in life that we cannot control that we should strive to make the very best of the things that we can! I believe that life is hard, but stories and laughter and connections with others make it worthwhile. And even though I believe all of these things and more, I still have to make an effort to do all of these things myself whether it is in each day, each hour or each moment. I believe we are here not to forget, but to work to always remember how lucky we really are. And that, my dear friends, is not always easy.
January 20, 1997, Emma was diagnosed with leukemia at the tender age of 3 and a half. This was the day I was redefined in ways I would never be able to comprehend. That day I left my class of 5th graders and never returned to the classroom as a full-time teacher. That day I was no longer a “normal” mom attending story hour. Playgrounds and swings were replaced with hospital hallways and medical procedures. Play dates and monkey bars were replaced with visiting hours and IV poles. That day leukemia moved into our lives and refused to leave. It set its big ass right down on the couch, cracked open a beer and settled in for the long haul. You could feel his presence when you walked in the door. He was there and whatever I tried to do I could not get him to leave fast enough. It was out of my control. There were days I never showered, days I thought I could not bear the suffering of my curly red-haired, pudgy handed baby and the absence of my 8 month old Zachary. But I did. I just did.
And after four and half years of living in fear, the unthinkable happened Yes the unthinkable does happen. Emma was 6 months to being declared “cured” when she relapsed. Yes six lousy months away from freedom and we found ourselves again put in the shackles of a diseased life. It was unbearable. Any ground we had made was gone, forgotten, as new protocols, names of chemotherapies, and the new idea of radiation to her head and spine were thrown at me I could not dodge them as I lodged myself into a corner in of a dark room at Mass General hospital and I just cried, rocking myself back and forth, back and forth knowing that I could not, would not be able to do this again. This and more. I could not do it. I knew it. But I did. I had no choice.
And for every platitude that was thrown at me in the name of comfort I can only reply. God DOES give people more than they can handle…trust me…this was too much. I am NOT a better person for having experienced this. I liked myself just fine thank you before this all happened. I am just a different person. We all have shit. It just comes in different forms. What we don’t have is control. It is not in our power. And as much as we want and yearn to think we have control the truth is that we just don’t. What we do have is the power to embrace each moment for what it is. In the same way we must treasure each individual not for who they are and not who we want them to be. We must have our eyes open at all times so that we don’t miss the beauty that resides within the shit.
I can still see my beautiful bald baby sitting in the oversized hospital bed wearing her blue and white silk panda bear pajamas smiling over at me and telling me our new favorite show was on. I would laugh and settle in next to her as we watched those chosen ones run through the aisles of a mock grocery store and try to find items faster than their opponents. The show was as ridiculous as our lives had become, but being with her in that moment was a reality I was comfortable with. I had to accept that I myself could not control the cancer, but I could try to have some control of making it a better journey, to roll with her emotions, to laugh together, cry together, play cards for hours on end, do crafts, read and anything else you can imagine doing. And eventually…very eventually we settled onto the couch and pushed leukemia over and made room for ourselves on that couch too. It was not easy. But we did it.
And so this story that has been written. This story that defined me for so long, for so many years, it not my story any longer… It is a part of my history. It has been written. It is done. And so we move forward to the next story that is unwritten and the one after that knowing that we are all going to die. It is just a fact and looking death square in the blue eyes of my Emma I know this to be true. So we might as well laugh, create new stories, cry, go with the flow, take risks, be free, love, live and try to accept what life has to offer…if even for just a moment.
I believe in the power of change. I believe in going with the flow and embracing flexibility, fear, not knowing and inspiration through the process of change. I believe we cannot wait to do what is best because all we may have is today. I believe in passion and inspiration and impulsivity. I believe in intuition and improvisation as we work each moment to make it matter. I believe we have one life and one life only. This is not a dress rehearsal and so we must strive for every moment to count. I believe in joy, laughter and fun. I believe we can have all of these things as we embrace the process of life that is forever changing whether we like it or not. I believe there is so much in life that we cannot control that we should strive to make the very best of the things that we can! I believe that life is hard, but stories and laughter and connections with others make it worthwhile. And even though I believe all of these things and more, I still have to make an effort to do all of these things myself whether it is in each day, each hour or each moment. I believe we are here not to forget, but to work to always remember how lucky we really are. And that, my dear friends, is not always easy.
January 20, 1997, Emma was diagnosed with leukemia at the tender age of 3 and a half. This was the day I was redefined in ways I would never be able to comprehend. That day I left my class of 5th graders and never returned to the classroom as a full-time teacher. That day I was no longer a “normal” mom attending story hour. Playgrounds and swings were replaced with hospital hallways and medical procedures. Play dates and monkey bars were replaced with visiting hours and IV poles. That day leukemia moved into our lives and refused to leave. It set its big ass right down on the couch, cracked open a beer and settled in for the long haul. You could feel his presence when you walked in the door. He was there and whatever I tried to do I could not get him to leave fast enough. It was out of my control. There were days I never showered, days I thought I could not bear the suffering of my curly red-haired, pudgy handed baby and the absence of my 8 month old Zachary. But I did. I just did.
And after four and half years of living in fear, the unthinkable happened Yes the unthinkable does happen. Emma was 6 months to being declared “cured” when she relapsed. Yes six lousy months away from freedom and we found ourselves again put in the shackles of a diseased life. It was unbearable. Any ground we had made was gone, forgotten, as new protocols, names of chemotherapies, and the new idea of radiation to her head and spine were thrown at me I could not dodge them as I lodged myself into a corner in of a dark room at Mass General hospital and I just cried, rocking myself back and forth, back and forth knowing that I could not, would not be able to do this again. This and more. I could not do it. I knew it. But I did. I had no choice.
And for every platitude that was thrown at me in the name of comfort I can only reply. God DOES give people more than they can handle…trust me…this was too much. I am NOT a better person for having experienced this. I liked myself just fine thank you before this all happened. I am just a different person. We all have shit. It just comes in different forms. What we don’t have is control. It is not in our power. And as much as we want and yearn to think we have control the truth is that we just don’t. What we do have is the power to embrace each moment for what it is. In the same way we must treasure each individual not for who they are and not who we want them to be. We must have our eyes open at all times so that we don’t miss the beauty that resides within the shit.
I can still see my beautiful bald baby sitting in the oversized hospital bed wearing her blue and white silk panda bear pajamas smiling over at me and telling me our new favorite show was on. I would laugh and settle in next to her as we watched those chosen ones run through the aisles of a mock grocery store and try to find items faster than their opponents. The show was as ridiculous as our lives had become, but being with her in that moment was a reality I was comfortable with. I had to accept that I myself could not control the cancer, but I could try to have some control of making it a better journey, to roll with her emotions, to laugh together, cry together, play cards for hours on end, do crafts, read and anything else you can imagine doing. And eventually…very eventually we settled onto the couch and pushed leukemia over and made room for ourselves on that couch too. It was not easy. But we did it.
And so this story that has been written. This story that defined me for so long, for so many years, it not my story any longer… It is a part of my history. It has been written. It is done. And so we move forward to the next story that is unwritten and the one after that knowing that we are all going to die. It is just a fact and looking death square in the blue eyes of my Emma I know this to be true. So we might as well laugh, create new stories, cry, go with the flow, take risks, be free, love, live and try to accept what life has to offer…if even for just a moment.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Heinemann Retreat Rocked!!
I love good conversation. There is just no way around it. I love the feeling of being in a think tank where everyone in the room is attempting to think outside of the box. Their thinking pushes my thinking to places it would not normally go. It is like being on the tennis court with someone who is better than me. It ups my game. It allows me to smash that ball with great ease and accuracy...hitting the sweet spot that keeps me wanting to play more and more. And I don't even play that much, but I do know that feeling of getting the ball to do something extraordinary.
So, when I spent the past two days with people from all over the country who do what I do, I found myself invigorated, inspired and moved beyond words. In a job where I am always the one in the place of leading, always the one in charge of inspiration and encouragement, it was SO refreshing to be with others who work to do the same thing. The difference was that instead of feeling drained like I often do after my group meetings as of late, I was completely energized. I fed off their thinking, their energy and willingness to take risks. Yes, it is the risk taking that was contagious in this group. I believe this is why they all are where they are. It is that willingness to just jump and try things without knowing just what might happen one way or another. It is a quality I admire. It is the way I strive to live my life.
We are all as different as they come, but what we had in common was a sense of spirit that we want and need to do what is right for kids. We have a bigger picture in mind of what it could and would be like in education if we all had the common goal of working towards upping the games of each of our children and not just upping the test scores. We get it and will spend, I suspect, the rest of our lives working with others to help them see, to inspire them to take risks, to work for the betterment of our educational system until we just can't do it anymore.
I feel so lucky to have stumbled upon this group, but then again, I am certain it is not luck. We are all just where we were meant to be. We share a common theme, a common vision that does not even need to be defined because we just know. We know that although our work often feels as though it falls flat, that what we are doing is SO important that we cannot and will not ever stop.
And so I can end this academic year with a great shot in the arm, thankful for the leadership of Vicki and Ellin and the rest of the Heinemann gang who not only "see" the future for what it can be, but also have the great intuition to know the power of a group of people who want to work together. This is what change, real change is all about and I am honored to be a part of the process.
So, when I spent the past two days with people from all over the country who do what I do, I found myself invigorated, inspired and moved beyond words. In a job where I am always the one in the place of leading, always the one in charge of inspiration and encouragement, it was SO refreshing to be with others who work to do the same thing. The difference was that instead of feeling drained like I often do after my group meetings as of late, I was completely energized. I fed off their thinking, their energy and willingness to take risks. Yes, it is the risk taking that was contagious in this group. I believe this is why they all are where they are. It is that willingness to just jump and try things without knowing just what might happen one way or another. It is a quality I admire. It is the way I strive to live my life.
We are all as different as they come, but what we had in common was a sense of spirit that we want and need to do what is right for kids. We have a bigger picture in mind of what it could and would be like in education if we all had the common goal of working towards upping the games of each of our children and not just upping the test scores. We get it and will spend, I suspect, the rest of our lives working with others to help them see, to inspire them to take risks, to work for the betterment of our educational system until we just can't do it anymore.
I feel so lucky to have stumbled upon this group, but then again, I am certain it is not luck. We are all just where we were meant to be. We share a common theme, a common vision that does not even need to be defined because we just know. We know that although our work often feels as though it falls flat, that what we are doing is SO important that we cannot and will not ever stop.
And so I can end this academic year with a great shot in the arm, thankful for the leadership of Vicki and Ellin and the rest of the Heinemann gang who not only "see" the future for what it can be, but also have the great intuition to know the power of a group of people who want to work together. This is what change, real change is all about and I am honored to be a part of the process.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Drive and Live!!
Phew! I just finished reading my last post and can you say glooooooomy? Any of you who are New Englanders tried and true understand that late winter, early spring state of mind. It is as though we are suspended between seasons and just when you get a small taste of sunshine and springtime the cold temperatures return and sweep through your body like the dampness of death, chilling your bones to the core. There is no getting warm from this kind of damp cold. There just isn't. Your body has made the transition to warm and that is all it longs for. Anything else just will NOT do! There is not going back!
And so I have not written because of that state of mind where I have not felt terribly inspired and when I have I have tried to pour it into some of my other writing projects.
But then you have days like yesterday. The sun was shining, everything was lush and green from all the rain, every bud was bursting to make it's way into the world and I woke with a sense of energy I have not felt in quite sometime. I knew I had to do something, but all of the things I "should" do just were not cutting it! I did not want to work! NO kind of work, be it home or school at all! I wanted to have FUN!
And so I suggested to my sister via facebook im'ing that she come down. Within moments she was off the computer and on the road in her jeep to come and take me rooftop down to the beach! Fun! Yes, sheer fun was what I was in search of after finishing one of my classes on Thursday, Friday HAD to be about fun! And it was. We walked and talked and drove and ate out under the sunshine on the water! It was THE perfect day! And I am so thankful that spontaneous is her second middle name...after the middle name of fun of course!!!!
Ahhh....
And so I have not written because of that state of mind where I have not felt terribly inspired and when I have I have tried to pour it into some of my other writing projects.
But then you have days like yesterday. The sun was shining, everything was lush and green from all the rain, every bud was bursting to make it's way into the world and I woke with a sense of energy I have not felt in quite sometime. I knew I had to do something, but all of the things I "should" do just were not cutting it! I did not want to work! NO kind of work, be it home or school at all! I wanted to have FUN!
And so I suggested to my sister via facebook im'ing that she come down. Within moments she was off the computer and on the road in her jeep to come and take me rooftop down to the beach! Fun! Yes, sheer fun was what I was in search of after finishing one of my classes on Thursday, Friday HAD to be about fun! And it was. We walked and talked and drove and ate out under the sunshine on the water! It was THE perfect day! And I am so thankful that spontaneous is her second middle name...after the middle name of fun of course!!!!
Ahhh....
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