Ramblings, Reiki and Rest

So I woke up this morning with that tinge of spring in the air and wondered...do I really even need to go to Florida this year?  While it has been a wildly mild winter, that hankering to just get away always seems to be there and once there is a destination and a plan in place it is like a reassurance that I will get through, yet another New England winter with some sense of sanity.  But there really has not been any winter!!

Change.  Strange.  The more I try to change the more I stay the same.  And yet this past week, after multiple changes taking place at the same time, I find myself not knowing what to do with  myself and how to do anything and so I have just been going with the flow, letting go of all of the routines and endless lists of things to do for the flow of life and just being.  For me being has been about people.  Taking the time to spend with people as opposed to the stacks of papers on my desk screaming louder than any one person and yet I ignored and chose the people.  It has been great. It has been different.  But how does this happen?  How can I stay in this place of flow without letting the world beat in on me with all of the "shoulds" and "have to's"?

Well...you see I am in the middle of Reiki training and the goal is to practice Reiki every day for 21 days. 16 days into that I decided to begin a 40 day meditation...not medication...although I see how much easier that would actually be and I chuckle that the words are so close to each other!  In addition on day 6 of Reiki I started a 21 day regiman of biodentical hormone cream to be applied twice a day for 21 days.  So who cares...right?  Well...here is the thing. I SUCK at doing ANYthing other than brushing my teeth, eating and going to bed, EVERY day!  The amount of things I have lined myself up with is only in addition to my daily vitamins, the goal to read and write every morning, do yoga, exercise, and to eat so that I can lose weight and feel better on the beaches of Florida.  In the midst of all of this I have to work, maintain a household and well...you all know how the list goes on and on.  We ALL have this and I know that and get it.  But I have to ask myself, why try to make so many commitments to change all at the same time?  Why not finish the 21 day cycle and then begin something else?

Impatience is the answer.  And so I set myself up for failure again and again.  Although in this case if you miss a day then you just start all over again...with the meditation that is.  The Reiki I have tried to be faithful to as it takes that 21 days to become attuned, but have I missed days?  Hell yes.  I have just not made the time to stay committed as I would like to be!!  What is wrong with me?  Why can't I just stick with something if even for just a short period of time?    And this, I see, is the story of my life when it comes to me.  I let those things go in the name of well...just about anything else?

So, I have decided that I am "in training" for the 40 day mediation...practicing it when I can and getting ready for the big 40 day commitment.  Phew.  That is a relief.  Now the Reiki I HAVE to do and although I am at 21 days tomorrow...I still see a few days that I have not done it.  This morning I tried to stay focussed and Reiki myself before getting out of bed.  And I did it!  In fact I was shocked to see that I had actually been doing it for 45 minutes!!  WOW!  And after that session it occurred to me that at so many times I wanted to shift my Reiki to someone else.  The dog, the cat, the house the world instead of on myself.  And it hit me that I can be committed to many things...but I am not so great at staying committed to myself!!

I meet with my Reiki Master on Wednesday and I am curious to discover all that I have yet to learn and yet at the same time to allow myself the forgiveness that I do not have to be perfect.  I definitely have this idea that there is a "right" way and if you are going to do something for a certain period of time then you just have to do it!  I realize my attention span for such things is about 2  weeks.  Then I seem to get bored and move on...upset that there are no instant results!!  This comes mostly in the name of trying new ways of eating to get some of this flub off of my flab!!  I have never been this  heavy before...minus pregnancies of course, but it is something that is making me CRAZY and although I have been essentially (yes some cheats for sure!) gluten free since Thanksgiving...I do feel better...but not one pound has left this old girl!!  I exercise at least and often twice a day, I meditate, I do yoga, I try to eat as well as humanly possible and yet I stay stuck.  I don't want to be stuck anymore.  THAT is why I am taking on so many new things at once and yet...I am still waiting for some kind of results...

So spring is in the air and I am still going to Florida and well..hopefully as I pack this week I will be able to fit into my summer clothes and what the hell...have a great time in the sunshine and attempt to go with the flow and just "be".  Time to trust in the process and know that although those pounds are hanging on for dear life that the rest of the stuff is just good for me...plain and simple.  Cheers!

A New Day

silence

stillness
the world's eyes opening
squinting
     stretching before
                    my
                        eyes
the sacred yawn of morn
brings a solitude
             of newness
hope, renewal and life

the woods
       my magical forest
with twinkling eyes
                        winking
surrounding me
as we usher in the
day as
one