Birthdays and Deathdays...

My weekend consisted of a friend's 50th surprise birthday party and my own birthday of turning 45. At these celebrations there was talk of deathdays. One of our most renowned educational professors at UNH died a month ago and the very young age of 58. One minute he was here and the next he was gone. To know Grant Cioffi was to love Grant. He was one of those very soft-spoken "gentlemen" who I was privileged to know as a student, as a teacher in his hometown of Barrington, as well as one of his son's, Rob's third grade teacher and later on as a colleague at UNH. Thinking back on my connection with Grant I realize he was one of the first people who I met that really challenged me to think professionally. I first met him again in the local elementary school where he had volunteered as a parent to be on a committee where we were looking at what was happening with our struggling readers. Having Grant join us in this notched it up several levels as we delved deeply into the minds and hearts of these readers who just had a hard time. I remember feeling energized by his challenging and thoughtful questions. I remember loving to think and work together to figure these kids out!!

At my friends party she told me that someone spoke at his service and talked about how Grant took her face one day and told her to "listen with your face." And that is exactly what Grant did! He listened with his face, responding and listening intently to every word, storing it away for the next time you met. And when you did see him, be it weeks or years later he would always remember how many children you had and where you were working and what you last talked about. He had a gift for listening...really listening...

And yet...as we spoke of him in the past, I felt a great remorse at not having been able to attend his service that was "beautiful" as accounted for by anyone I asked!! Hitting 45 was not a big deal for me because it simply stated that I had made it another year!! As my birthday approached I did meditate one day and had a vision of my own birth. Through the canal and then thrust into my mother's arms. Once there I envisioned looking up at my mother's face and seeing sadness, pure and utter remote and distant sadness. I am convinced my mother suffered from postpartum depression, but what a strange image to pop into my head. It kept me thinking and wondering and then wondering some more.

Emma and I spent a week in Hilton Head and everywhere we went, every store we went into we kept hearing the lyrics, "Live like you're dying..." and we laughed and wondered...are we? And what does that really mean? Are we living like we are dying? Capturing every moment and cherishing it the way we need to? I can honestly say that no, I do not. I do not in the way that I wish I did!!

And so on my birthday I decided that the day was going to be about doing just that. Loving and living in a way that embraced life not for it's grandiose gifts and gestures...but more for just what it is!! I woke up when I felt like it, and had coffee and sat in the sun sipping it. Breakfast was made for me..yummy eggs and toast and then there were no plans! And I was fine with that!! The day was a gorgeous one. The kind of day that makes you want to run to the mountains to hike or to the beach to walk and soak up all the sun! We talked about all of these ideas, but instead I decided to walk the dog and go for a run with Emma and Ruby. It was simply delightful!! We met some friends and chatted and savoured the fresh air and sunshine. Then we came back and I took a long shower without rushing!! It was certainly something that felt just right!!

Eventually we did leave the house and drove into the sunshine with no particular destination in mind!! We ended up at the beach and had a fabulous linner st Ron's Landing in Hampton with an incredible view of the ocean. We are so lucky to have this in our backyard!! A bit of champagne and good food and company and well...another birthday passes with great moments where I really and truly was in the moment. And of course it was a day where nobody was allowed to utter the word "no" to me!! That is sheer heaven. And the effort my kids put forth to make this happen was humorous, especially Zachary as he would be about to say no and then realize he had no choice! Oh the restrain!!!

And as I go into my 45th year here on this earth I am reminded, yet again, of how truly blessed I am with wonderful people in my life! Be they old friends or new, my kids, my family, my colleagues that they are what matter most. (And if you are not of Facebook then this is a great way to be reminded of those incredible people in your life!!) And as I reflect on life, on birth and on death I realize once again and I learn once again that it is in these tiny moments, like when Emma wrapped up a toy Jeep for me to open as her gift for me. (Yes, I have been on the path to wanting a third car, a bum around jeep that Em could take to school and I could drive along the beach!!) Yes, these small moments that so often get overridden with the minutiae of life. What amazes me is that no matter how many times I learn this lesson I know that I will forget it as quickly and so that is why we are reminded in life and in death that we are here for the living, as part of the living and so you better just get out there and "live like you're dying!" Beach anyone?

Just thinking....

Moving Furniture....

I have been working on getting my surroundings into spring mode. There is nothing more enjoyable for me than to find a new arrangement of furniture in a room! I LOVE change and this is one of those quick fixes that I can do to make my life seem less the "same", less "routine". And so this spring I have decided to try an "interim" look that allows me to keep the nice rug in my kitchen longer than usual. As I switch out the dark furniture for the summer wicker from my bedroom I usually drag in the summer sisal from the dining room and make the exchange. This, my friends, is NO easy task!! Getting everything off of both rugs without running out of room is the greatest challenge and the truth is that this year the summer sisal is on it's last leg with doggie mud footprints forever brandishing it's corners. I take down the faux chocolate brown floor length curtains and expose myself to the world, letting in all of the light possible.

So, as I sit here on this rainy day in my "new" room relishing the change I am forced to wonder why I had never thought of this arrangement before!! And the thing is that once I change a room I want to be in that room more than any other!

You might think this is a hormonal thing, and while you can predict it according to the cycles of the moon...I am also convinced it is hereditary. Yes, you heard me correctly...hereditary!! I got it from my mother. I can remember times spent in my room on hot summer nights where we would move around the furniture and organize everything in my room. This one time I remember, I must have been about 10 and we moved my desk right in front of the open screen window. I LOVED this as the cool summer night wafted it's way into my stale room. I recall just sitting there and wishing that I had something worth writing about, because it was, the perfect writing spot!! I had nothing to write, but I did sit and doodle and pretend to write!! I remember a warmth that was peaceful as my Mom and I worked together within the space, a rare moment with a Mom that never once sat still throughout my entire childhood!

Whenever we rent a house with the larger family, the first thing we do is rearrange the furniture. My mother is the queen of this and has impeccable spacial prowess!! In fact, she can be downright tough if she walks in and observes my changes, puts on an awkward smile and says something like, "interesting...", meaning it is WRONG! I tell her to leave it alone and that it is my therapy and that she can do what she wants in her own house. But here is the thing. If she mentions one thing or another I start obsessing about it and continue to move things until I get it right. There is an art to this!! Everything has to be balanced in some way and well..in this room...conducive to conversation! I HATE it when she does that...but in the end I do end up liking my changes even more...

And the line does not stop there. Zachary was home from school sick last Friday and in an effort to keep him off of that damned Call of Duty video game we decided to rearrange his room. I, of course, was delighted!! We spent much of the day taking down the homemade loft that was built when we first moved in. He LOVES his new room and has barely left it all week. After a day of change his mood improved and all of those teenage woes disappeared...if even for a few hours. (He was home "sick" because of crap at school...another whole story!!)

And even Emma will come to me asking to change her room around because she too loves how the change feels!! When I do this with my kids I get such a good clean feeling inside and out!! And every time you change it you breathe new life into the space whether it has been that way in the past or not. And after the long NH winters, change and renewal is something we all need and long for!! And as I sit here and ponder this hereditary homage of movement and change I also contemplate in my new spring kitchen whether or not to start the fire, for although the forsythia are out, the damp, cold, raw rain has returned, but inside my kitchen it IS spring and it will remain spring...at least until summer arrives!!

Just thinking....

Easter Sunday 2010

Each passing holiday and tradition brings with it a bittersweet sorrow as of late because as the mother of two teenagers the "good ole days" have gone by. Gone are the days of the Easter bunny coming and leaving trails and trails of jellybeans all over the floor and eggs hidden all over the house, some to be discovered a week later only by their persistent smell. Gone are the days of great surprises and that look of sheer childhood joy at the magic of seeing an Easter basket filled with goodies just for them as visions of this big bunny coming in and hopping all over your house. Emma told me a while back she was relieved the Easter bunny was never real because the thought of a life size bunny coming into her house was kinda creepy! And it is if you think about it!!

And although these days are replaced by different days, I find them to be harder days. It seems as though my life has become a series of decisions where no matter what I do there is ultimately someone who is unhappy! I have left the world of magic and possibilities and entered into one of constant negotiation and hormones and quite truthfully it has left me anything but playful! I LOVED all of the things you could do to get those reactions out of those little faces! I love the idea that life is full of wonder and surprise and play.

And as much as I try to maintain that level of playfulness the truth is that it does get the best of me and I find myself saying things that I don't mean to say and doing things that I don't want to do...all in the name of trying to figure out how to keep everyone safe and happy...okay...maybe not happy but at least not miserable!! And while I know that part of being a teenager is going through mood swings and misery the truth is that I just don't LIKE it!!

And so in an effort to keep things playful and full of possibilities I have created a treasure hunt this morning for the kids...who by the way, are STILL in bed!! Again...remember the days when they were jumping on your bed at 6 a.m. all hopped up on chocolate? (Allright...maybe I don't miss that as much!!) And although I have done this I can already "see" the potential for danger!! For at the end of the hunt will be something that will please one more than the other and although I know this I move forward hoping to see at least one smile on each face...if even only for a moment where I can be reminded of the children in them that once held wonder in their eyes...

And yet, tis the season of rebirth so perhaps embracing this next phase is what I need to do. Stop living in the past and embrace the present...yes this I can do...but of course I just needed to first grieve. It is all a part of the process.

Happy Easter Everyone!

Just Thinking....

Eating Alone...

I was flying home yesterday from doing a writing workshop in Rochester, New York and had a couple of hours to kill in Philly. Philly is NOT my favorite airport as you always have to shuttle bus from one terminal to the other on a bus with drivers who have virtually no sense of safety as they whip around the runways dodging those little carts and drivers towing luggage to large airplanes backing out ready for take off.

One of my bus rides was so harrowing I considered if there were alternatives to getting to the other terminal on my return home. The woman packed the bus with more people than is humanly imaginable. She kept yelling at me to move away from the door and the steel post that I was planning on hanging onto...what she did NOT seem to realize what that there was NOWHERE to go!! As people jammed in next to me I found a loophold that I could grab above me...waaay above me, but it was better than nothing. The thing is when you are holding a loophole you get swept side to jerking side as this woman whipped around a tarmac that had no boundaries. At one point was supposed to stop at the corner of the terminal where there was clearly a STOP sign posted. She proceeded to ignore it and careen around the corner with great speed almost picking off a man on a tractor. They both laughed as we narrowly escaped grazing each other. Ahhh...I thought. THIS is their entertainment. Playing chicken on a blind corner with a busload of stupid people versus the luggage guys. C'mon. Would I ever get off this bus alive?

And of course I did...but I was sweating and all stiff from desperately trying to stay on my two feet!! And so I was thinking more about this bus ride than what I would do with a two hour layover when I found myself in the correct terminal with nowhere to go. You see I was so early that my gate was filled with people for another flight to Vegas and it was packed! I knew I wanted something to eat. I quickly spotted an restaurant with sit down and wait service and decided this was better than the alternative..to get something take out and eat it off my lap, spilling it all over me as I had done on the way there!!

I sat down at a table in the very back of the restaurant so that I could look out and observe and not be observed. I sat down and thought about the fact that I was here, alone and ordering wine and pad Thai. It made me think of the many times I have been out to eat and noticed those "poor souls" who were eating alone and how I would feel sorry for them. Pi-shaw...what a major lesson in projection that is!! I was here sitting alone and reveling in it!! I was nobody to feel sorry for! I was out the world travelling...which I LOVE and had just had a great day of incredible conversation with a brilliant colleague. No, I was not the sorry lady at the back of the restaurant, but the confident woman who had finally grown up!! Imagine that...about to turn 45 and more than comfortable taking up a table just for myself!!

It made me wonder just how many of those people I had "felt" for were feeling just fine with their solitary eating and that I was the one who would have been uncomfortable. We choose so often to put ourselves into the position of others...at least I do as a self-admitted people watching addict...but with that we bring ourselves and imagine how "we" would be feeling. Perhaps all of my observations over the years are simply projections of me and who I am and where I am and what I am experiencing at the time. And can you think of anything more egocentric than that? And so I wondered how others would respond to the idea of eating alone and the responses posted on facebook were all over the book from scary to peaceful to "out of my comfort zone" and it makes me wonder...just how different we all are and as much as we all want to think we are alike and part of this human experience we call life...that we really could be not more different!!

And THAT is why I love to travel! It takes me out of my life and puts me out into the world to consider others and their lives. I am fascinated by people and how they work and operate. As for me...I will look carefully the next time I see someone sitting alone at a table and wonder...what are they really thinking or feeling....

Just thinking...