Hmmm...I sit and think to myself...what is it exactly that I am doing here? School has started and with that comes the idea that I will have time to myself and that sounds simply delightful. What I always forget about are all of the transitions and things that happen along the way that get in the way of that time! It is disjointed and without purpose. I mean I want to be here when Zach gets off the bus. After all it is my duty to keep him from becoming a one of "those" kids that runs loose in the streets of Exeter. Isn't it? Am I overreacting? Am I holding on too tightly? What does a 12 year old really know about the dangers of the big city, traffic rules and crazy drivers that don't see kids zipping in and out of driveways bumping along the curbs to catch air?
The truth of the matter is that I know he needs this time to be daring, independent and yes a bit crazy, but the truth is that the entire time he is gone...I am worried. Worried that some lunatic, like myself, is going to pull out of their driveway and not see them as they approach at neck-breaking speeds on the two wheelers or that he will go off of the rope swing as a rite of passage knowing I have forbidden him to. And yes, I know he will, but what about the fact that the river ebbs and flows as frequently as my emotions. One never really knows how deep it really is!!
So, as I wander along the path of parenthood I can only wonder...what is my new found role? That of eternal worrier? It is not that I don't trust him...well at least some of the time I do, but it is more that I don't trust the busy downtown that he is riding around in. I don't trust that he will be as cautious as I know you need to be.
I always thought living near town would be a blessing...and up until now it really has been. Now, I am fighting the constant activity and population of downtown and quite frankly, little ole me in the big house just doesn't cut it! Can you say B-O-R-I-N-G with a capital B??
And that leads me to another point. Just WHAT am I doing here? I mean really? I am home to say hello before he says good bye and is off downtown. And again I ask, what is my purpose? Do I really even have one or is it something I have created in my mind to make myself feel better? Would it, ultimately even matter if I was here or not? He could just as easily give me a call to tell me that he will be leaving. In the front door and out the back!
Freedom. The one thing I crave in my life for myself and at the same time it is the one thing that I am afraid to give him too much of! And so I sit, in front of my screen, worried and wondering and realizing I have GOT to get a life of my own!! ha ha ha!!
Just thinking....
South Beach Martha's Vineyard 2007
2 comments:
Up here in these here parts, where you can get there from here (or is that you can't?) we don't much worry about traffic and "those" kids.
Freedom is a wonderful concept -- but it is hard to grasp within the constraints of family life. The dribs and drabs of freedom that we are afforded within the daily time span are fleeting -- and yet most delicious.
As for wondering what your purpose is as far as your children go as they grow older, the only advice I have on that, which will do you no good whatsoever, is to have them 7 years apart and when they go you are thrilled and when they are going you are thrilled and when they will at last be gone.
There will be thrill.
Children, I believe, will always remember the concern and love parents show day-to-day. As will Zach forever remember that you were there when he got home, cared where he went, and were there when he returned. He gets a great deal of comfort knowing he's not having to explore and navigate his own freedom without anyone watching over him. What you are doing may seem boring, but it is highly valuable. And, related to what Lisa said, his freedom, anyone's freedom, particularly in a family unit, needs to be defined in terms of agreements, communication, and limitations. It is that which keeps him safe. It is the fear that he didn't agree, missed the communication, or will break the limits that brings your worry. It is some unfortunate past experience that brings the distrust. Hardest, most worrisome thing is re-allowing that freedom so that he can re-earn that trust. Limit testing is interesting for the one piling on the sticks, but painful for the camel upon which the burden accumulates. You are strong, keep up the great work.
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