A Fight, A Funeral, and a Film...

After an emotionally exhausting weekend, it finally hit me at about 8 last night. My throat started to swell and shriek out like it was on fire. The bug I could feel moving its way through my body finally caught up with me. The violent sneezes that can only mean it is getting ready to strike would shake my entire body and send shivers from head to toe.

I knew it was coming and still I am not happy about it! If I look at it from another perspective though, it is also my body's way to say STOP. Take a time out to check in and take care of yourself. And let's face it...between the Memorial service that can only inspire the major contemplation of death, a major fight on the home front and then the movie, Nights in Rodanthe...well I knew I was a goner.

This film came at the end of the weekend where I found myself a bit frazzled and fried emotionally. I can only take so much and the conflict and sense of impending death only made my viewing that much more acute. I sat and simply bawled and bawled and bawled. The worst part was that I went in blindly...not knowing that it was written by Nicholas Sparks...if I had only known then I would have expected to happen what happened. But being so tired and spent, I just sat there willy nilly watching like a stupid spectator...not even wondering, as I usually do what is going to happen next. Stupid idiot!! I was sucked in and swallowed with emotion before I even had a chance.

But, in the end, the crying is good and in a sense, perhaps this nasty bug is okay too...giving me a chance to sit and write and reflect and not have to DO anything. I think I would enjoy the time more though...if I only felt better.

And so I write this off as just another day in the life of...and I can't even think about the economy and the fact that the world is coming to an end. Just can't do that! Not right now anyway....

Just thinking...

Thank You Anita!

I went to a funeral for one of my very good friends from High School whose Mom died. Mal's house was the house we all hang out at. His parents provided everything we needed for a great evening. Humor, a space in the basement to call our own and yes, even beer to play beer pong with. I know, I know, this is not a popular thing to post and totally not PC. But, the truth was that his parents had some thinking behind what they were doing. If we were going to be drinking they wanted it to be under a safe roof where there was supervision and where there would be no driving. Very smart actually, as I think back on it.

What prevailed at this Memorial service was a sense of humor and family that was, well, simply beautiful. Each one of 'Nita's children and grandchildren had stories and contributions in the form of movies etc. to recreate the life of a truly beautiful human being.

As I looked around the room and saw many people from New London, I realized how much a part of that community will always be a part of me. There was an incredible sense of acceptance for us as kids that just seemed to extend to today. Maybe it was something I created in my head, but all that I could feel was a sense of joy that this family had each other to help them through this tragedy. For it is a tragedy that she had to go at such an early age.

I was so moved by this service that I drove home in the torrential rain thinking that when I die, what do I want my legacy to be? For 'Nita, it was laughter and she was adamant that she be remembered as smart. As Mal said, I can still hear her laugh and through the footage that was done by Mike, we could all hear her laughter echoing through the halls as we left.

Why? Why I wondered also do we so often wait until death to celebrate the life of an individual? I was thinking how much she would have enjoyed being there laughing at the stories alongside everyone else. Why don't we celebrate the gifts of every moment like she was able to? Why do we get so caught up in the minutiae of life that overwhelms and strips away the beauty and life of every moment? Why don't we have parties that celebrate what is so wonderful every day???
Life is why we don't and yet, to think about this deifies the idea of what life should be! Are we really living each day to it's fullest?

Having gone through Emma's illness, I think I hang on to that notion as much as I can, but the truth is that I forget. We all forget. And as much as I love the idea of living in the present, it is often the past or the future that tries to take over. What am I doing here? What is my ultimate purpose? Life is for the living...and I need to get out there and do some more of it.

I am better at doing that with certain people. My sister, for example, is one of those people who I get with and I find that I can just be who I am and savour every moment. I think back to this summer in the jeep and how every breath was so acknowledged. Do I get this from her or is it simply the chemistry and common philosophy that we share? She is a force of life to be reckoned with and when I am with her I have that same sense of myself. With others, I do not experience that same excitement and zest for life. They are the energy suckers of the world who are more interested in bitching and complaining and waiting for life to happen to them instead of making life what it is they want it to be.

We all have things we could focus on in the negative...but honestly...wouldn't our time be better spent focusing on what is really great? Mal told a story about having his parents over for dinner on Sundays and how he and his Dad would cook these extravagant gourmet meals. He talked about how at every one how his Mom said every time, "This is the BEST meal I have ever had." And he believed her. He believed that in every moment, in that moment, it WAS the best meal she had ever had. She loved life. She loved each moment in life and from that we can all learn to savour every bite and see each moment as the best moment in life! Thank you Anita! Thank you to the Gilvar family for reminding me, once again, what really matters in life.

Slip Sliding Away

"How can you put up with that?" she asked as she rolled her eyes up into her head. "With what?" I answered and smiled knowingly. "That" she gestured to the back deck. And of course I knew exactly what she was talking about and still I found her question amusing. The idea that I was "putting up" with something was humorous to me. Was I putting up with it or was I just letting it happen? It all started when Zachary asked for a bunch of boys to come over and jump on the tramp after school. Fine.
It all started to change when I was on the phone with my sister and noticed that the trampoline seemed to be floating across the yard. "Where are you going with that?" "To the deck so we can jump off the deck onto it." And I paused. What did I think of this? What were the inherent dangers that lurked...outside of the already present danger of allowing all of these kids on the tramp to begin with? I know, I know, I am crazy because of the liability issue, but honestly I would rather have them here with some supervision as opposed to downtown with no supervision at all. I was going to have to bend...just a bit. I swallowed hard and thought to myself that it did look like fun, but suggested they put it on the lower end of the deck. It was all fun and games as they took turns one by one to jump off the deck and down two feet the the trampoline.
But one knows that when you get a group of boys together the anti must always be raised. The sheer height was not enough and Zachary screamed with glee as he came up with his next idea. "Let's get the slip and slide and slide off the deck onto the tramp!" Before I could say no a little bit of me smiled inside. This was the kind of experimentation and wonder that I loved to see in the eyes of my students in my classroom. Granted, there were no major dangerous things involved, but it was the sense of experimentation that I was secretly revelling in. They found no slip and slide, but easily replaced it with an enormous blue tarp that they proceeded to duct tape to the deck and down over the slipping side. After their teamwork seemed to pay off they all stripped down to their underwear and began the fun. Only it was not slippery. No worries though...they would figure that out too.
In a moment of despair I knew I had to go and pick up Emma. I told them I would be back in 5 minutes and to be extra careful while I was gone. Stupid me looked at the dish soap as I walked at the door knowing exactly what I would return to.
The screams of sheer joy were echoing from the backyard and as I walked into the kitchen I saw suds EVERYWHERE!! Suds on the deck, suds on the kids, suds on the tarp and so many suds on the tramp it appeared to be white. They were slipping and sliding their way to sheer joyous heaven. It was at this point that Emma posed this question that I had no answer for. In one way I was worried someone was going to get hurt. It was the perfect recipe for disaster. On the other hand I had to smile as I went to get my camera and record some of their good clean fun.
So, why would I allow such a thing? Such a mess? Such a risk? And all that I can come up with even this morning is that it is definitely not something that my mother EVER would have let me do. It would have been too messy if nothing else, and yet, as one of the kids left with his mother I heard him say, "This was the best day of summer ever!" And who was I to remind him that they were in school. This is something that Zachary will never forget. It was free. It was fun and all in all a bit dangerous...the perfect recipe for a bunch of boys with too much energy and imagination for their own good.

Summer Nights.....

And so it was. Just as Fall threatened to scoop up the eternal fire of summer within...it happened. Two nights filled with utter and complete summer activities renewed that sense of sunshine in my spirit and has set me up for a great day. First we went up to the lake after taking Zachary out of school an hour early (scandalous for it was only the 3rd day of school) in order to get in as much boat time as possible. Charlie was there...the captain of our ship, also released from the confines of school a bit early as we could not have gone without him. We toodled around the lake that was as smooth as smooth could be. So flat in fact that you could see a complete reflection of the sky dancing on top of it. So smooth that when Charlie took a sharp turn it almost felt as slippery as ice. The kids swam off the back in Job's Creek, we then went to the sandbar where there was NOBODY! In fact the entire lake was ours for the taking. We then made our way into George's Mills and sent the kids off to the store to buy anything they wanted within a 20 dollar limit! They were in heaven. Ahhh....summer. No restraints, no rules, no schedules. Perhaps that is what I love the most about it!! We ended our evening eating out in Sunapee Harbor at Bubba's. The kids took one final swim off the public dock and then we made our way home across the lake with a million bats swooping down on us. There was nobody else for them to detect! And as I left I saw the moon over the water. A beautiful crescent moon, and I took a deep breath, thankful for one last night on the boat, just women and kids having a great time and savouring every moment possible. "Those summer nights..."
And so we had to have more!! Of course! Emma and Maddie, being the prep school girls that they are don't start school with the rest of the public, and so Lisa and Maddie came over yesterday and we drove up to Ogunquit with the roof off the jeep, the wind blowing through our hair and hair...well...hair just everywhere!! When we arrived we were shocked at how crowded it was. Were we not the ONLY ones with this idea? Apparently not!
As we searched for the perfect spot on the beach our body temperatures rose with each step in the passing sand. It was HOT!! It was hotter than hot. It was THE hottest day of the year as far as we could remember. We could barely set up our chairs before stripping and running to the water...the water that was frigid. Not the foot-numbing frigid, just the frigid that made for slow going getting in. The waves were ENORMOUS!! So large in fact that I was a bit hesitant of them. And then it hit me. THE biggest wave of my life and I was IN it. I was in that place that was no man's land, the place you do NOT want to be as the wave crests and curls over your head and scoops you up like a grain of sand tossing you about as your legs and arms hurl around you like loose appendages. I could only hope for the ride to end soon, as I needed air. Where was the ground? I could not have told you and when I finally did come up for air, there were Lisa, Maddie and Emma all smiling and laughing at me. My hair was completely disheveled and well...I couldn't see or breath or even talk. Respect for the water renewed itself as I moved in a bit closer to the shore telling Emma and Maddie to follow suit. They laughed at me and told me that I should have dived into it. That was what they did...but they were just that much further out than me. They did not understand and it was not until Lisa had the same experience that she looked at me, hair drooping in her eyes, mouth open in horror that she said "I think I have had enough!" Never mind the times that she would look to a wave, see it's enormity, look at me, start to run and say, "Nothing good is going to come of this!" And so it went. Sometimes you could escape the wrath of the wave and others...you were a pawn in it's game. There was no telling for sure, but trying to find that "just right" spot where you could either "pop it" or "ride it" or "go into it" was key. It was that space in between that was the danger zone!!
But these waves did not keep us out of the water. No, it was too HOT for that. And so we would all go in together and honestly, Emma and Maddie were better at navigating the waves than Lisa or I. I can just hear Lisa now...no, that is not true!! But it was!
As the day was winding down a surfer flew past us in an emergent fashion. I perked up and watched as he headed out to gather a few people that seemed to be in trouble. Within minutes, there were several surfers and I could tell that these people were being swept away in a riptide. The surfers swam parallel and eventually brought them all in! Of course we found out later that the hurricane Hanna was wreaking havoc on the oceans and that there were warnings all over the radio. Sorry we were listening to the i-pod on the way up! We decided it was better that we didn't know because we would have been even more scared than we already were!! We topped our day off with Emma and Maddie's first lobsters at Barnacle Billys, an ice cream cone and a drive home in the topless jeep. It was the warmest of warm nights and we belted out American Pie and then songs from Grease...pulling into the driveway, all four of us singing at the top of our lungs..."Those summer niiiiiiights." Tell me more...there is no more to tell. It was sheer perfection. It was the savouring of the last of our summer nights...that is until next year. And although I have ordered my sunlamp in an effort to ward off the fall blues...this was the perfect medicine for me! Those summer nights.....

Mum's the Word

With each passing day I can see a change in the light. It's dance is sharper, faster and more fleeting and with these thoughts I can feel the long summer evenings becoming part of the past. The problem is that it is happening way too quickly. How could it be that today is September first? Where did August go? My plan was to take ALL of August off and even though I did that, I am still amazed at how quickly it all went. Where did the summer go?

And you know what? I am not the only one asking this question. Sure this summer was laden with rainy days and not enough sunshine, but still. The "feeling" of summer is what I want to linger, but last night, it was dark by 8. 8 O'clock and it was dark. I can feel my hibernation instincts start to kick in and I get scared. Scared that I am going to want to eat every bad carbohydrate that crosses my path. Scared that every morning it will get increasingly difficult just to get out of bed. Scared that another winter will soon be upon us..and then it hits me. I sound like my father! But, I am not meaning to. It is just that I am not ready for the long daily routines of the fall or pumpkins or mums or scarecrows for that matter. I hate mums anyway. They have to be one of the ugliest of all flowers...and yet I will probably buy some just to keep the notion of summer and flowers around for as long as possible. As much as I hate mums, I can tell you that they are hearty. That is about all they have going for them!! Anyway...I did not start this with the intent of talking about mums, but you know it is the mums that are the first sign that all of your summer nights and lounging days are about to come to an end. First, they show up at the grocery stores. Yes, I arrive to gather the provisions for summer night of cooking out and there they are. The dreaded mums! And when I see them I shout, "Oh No! NOT mums!!" Emma looks over at me with a look of dismay and she says..."yep, and pumpkins too mom" and as she says it I shudder and once again contemplate the notion of moving to someplace south of the equator.

Today I feel the effects of the change in light for the first time. Sure, I went to Newcastle Commons with Emma and her friends and the weather was absolutely smashing. Not a more beautiful day could be ordered. I mean utterly gorgeous! And still, I did not put on a suit because of that little nip in the wind that wanted to remind me of the onslaught of fall every time it blew. I wanted to feel summer, but no, it was fall breathing it's life into the atmosphere. Is there any way to fight this feeling off? I can feel my mood getting lower as I try to soak up all the sun because I know it will be gone soon, but it is all for not. The beginning of the SAD has begun and all I can do is hope that this year will be better than the last. Hope that when I get enough energy that I actually WILL order a sunlamp for myself THIS year!! Ahh...one can only hope!

And as I prepare a nice dinner of fresh roasted SUMMER vegetables and prep the meat for the grill I look up into the sky and know...it is only a matter of time...but truthfully...isn't it all??
Just thinking....