Birthdays and Deathdays...

My weekend consisted of a friend's 50th surprise birthday party and my own birthday of turning 45. At these celebrations there was talk of deathdays. One of our most renowned educational professors at UNH died a month ago and the very young age of 58. One minute he was here and the next he was gone. To know Grant Cioffi was to love Grant. He was one of those very soft-spoken "gentlemen" who I was privileged to know as a student, as a teacher in his hometown of Barrington, as well as one of his son's, Rob's third grade teacher and later on as a colleague at UNH. Thinking back on my connection with Grant I realize he was one of the first people who I met that really challenged me to think professionally. I first met him again in the local elementary school where he had volunteered as a parent to be on a committee where we were looking at what was happening with our struggling readers. Having Grant join us in this notched it up several levels as we delved deeply into the minds and hearts of these readers who just had a hard time. I remember feeling energized by his challenging and thoughtful questions. I remember loving to think and work together to figure these kids out!!

At my friends party she told me that someone spoke at his service and talked about how Grant took her face one day and told her to "listen with your face." And that is exactly what Grant did! He listened with his face, responding and listening intently to every word, storing it away for the next time you met. And when you did see him, be it weeks or years later he would always remember how many children you had and where you were working and what you last talked about. He had a gift for listening...really listening...

And yet...as we spoke of him in the past, I felt a great remorse at not having been able to attend his service that was "beautiful" as accounted for by anyone I asked!! Hitting 45 was not a big deal for me because it simply stated that I had made it another year!! As my birthday approached I did meditate one day and had a vision of my own birth. Through the canal and then thrust into my mother's arms. Once there I envisioned looking up at my mother's face and seeing sadness, pure and utter remote and distant sadness. I am convinced my mother suffered from postpartum depression, but what a strange image to pop into my head. It kept me thinking and wondering and then wondering some more.

Emma and I spent a week in Hilton Head and everywhere we went, every store we went into we kept hearing the lyrics, "Live like you're dying..." and we laughed and wondered...are we? And what does that really mean? Are we living like we are dying? Capturing every moment and cherishing it the way we need to? I can honestly say that no, I do not. I do not in the way that I wish I did!!

And so on my birthday I decided that the day was going to be about doing just that. Loving and living in a way that embraced life not for it's grandiose gifts and gestures...but more for just what it is!! I woke up when I felt like it, and had coffee and sat in the sun sipping it. Breakfast was made for me..yummy eggs and toast and then there were no plans! And I was fine with that!! The day was a gorgeous one. The kind of day that makes you want to run to the mountains to hike or to the beach to walk and soak up all the sun! We talked about all of these ideas, but instead I decided to walk the dog and go for a run with Emma and Ruby. It was simply delightful!! We met some friends and chatted and savoured the fresh air and sunshine. Then we came back and I took a long shower without rushing!! It was certainly something that felt just right!!

Eventually we did leave the house and drove into the sunshine with no particular destination in mind!! We ended up at the beach and had a fabulous linner st Ron's Landing in Hampton with an incredible view of the ocean. We are so lucky to have this in our backyard!! A bit of champagne and good food and company and well...another birthday passes with great moments where I really and truly was in the moment. And of course it was a day where nobody was allowed to utter the word "no" to me!! That is sheer heaven. And the effort my kids put forth to make this happen was humorous, especially Zachary as he would be about to say no and then realize he had no choice! Oh the restrain!!!

And as I go into my 45th year here on this earth I am reminded, yet again, of how truly blessed I am with wonderful people in my life! Be they old friends or new, my kids, my family, my colleagues that they are what matter most. (And if you are not of Facebook then this is a great way to be reminded of those incredible people in your life!!) And as I reflect on life, on birth and on death I realize once again and I learn once again that it is in these tiny moments, like when Emma wrapped up a toy Jeep for me to open as her gift for me. (Yes, I have been on the path to wanting a third car, a bum around jeep that Em could take to school and I could drive along the beach!!) Yes, these small moments that so often get overridden with the minutiae of life. What amazes me is that no matter how many times I learn this lesson I know that I will forget it as quickly and so that is why we are reminded in life and in death that we are here for the living, as part of the living and so you better just get out there and "live like you're dying!" Beach anyone?

Just thinking....

Moving Furniture....

I have been working on getting my surroundings into spring mode. There is nothing more enjoyable for me than to find a new arrangement of furniture in a room! I LOVE change and this is one of those quick fixes that I can do to make my life seem less the "same", less "routine". And so this spring I have decided to try an "interim" look that allows me to keep the nice rug in my kitchen longer than usual. As I switch out the dark furniture for the summer wicker from my bedroom I usually drag in the summer sisal from the dining room and make the exchange. This, my friends, is NO easy task!! Getting everything off of both rugs without running out of room is the greatest challenge and the truth is that this year the summer sisal is on it's last leg with doggie mud footprints forever brandishing it's corners. I take down the faux chocolate brown floor length curtains and expose myself to the world, letting in all of the light possible.

So, as I sit here on this rainy day in my "new" room relishing the change I am forced to wonder why I had never thought of this arrangement before!! And the thing is that once I change a room I want to be in that room more than any other!

You might think this is a hormonal thing, and while you can predict it according to the cycles of the moon...I am also convinced it is hereditary. Yes, you heard me correctly...hereditary!! I got it from my mother. I can remember times spent in my room on hot summer nights where we would move around the furniture and organize everything in my room. This one time I remember, I must have been about 10 and we moved my desk right in front of the open screen window. I LOVED this as the cool summer night wafted it's way into my stale room. I recall just sitting there and wishing that I had something worth writing about, because it was, the perfect writing spot!! I had nothing to write, but I did sit and doodle and pretend to write!! I remember a warmth that was peaceful as my Mom and I worked together within the space, a rare moment with a Mom that never once sat still throughout my entire childhood!

Whenever we rent a house with the larger family, the first thing we do is rearrange the furniture. My mother is the queen of this and has impeccable spacial prowess!! In fact, she can be downright tough if she walks in and observes my changes, puts on an awkward smile and says something like, "interesting...", meaning it is WRONG! I tell her to leave it alone and that it is my therapy and that she can do what she wants in her own house. But here is the thing. If she mentions one thing or another I start obsessing about it and continue to move things until I get it right. There is an art to this!! Everything has to be balanced in some way and well..in this room...conducive to conversation! I HATE it when she does that...but in the end I do end up liking my changes even more...

And the line does not stop there. Zachary was home from school sick last Friday and in an effort to keep him off of that damned Call of Duty video game we decided to rearrange his room. I, of course, was delighted!! We spent much of the day taking down the homemade loft that was built when we first moved in. He LOVES his new room and has barely left it all week. After a day of change his mood improved and all of those teenage woes disappeared...if even for a few hours. (He was home "sick" because of crap at school...another whole story!!)

And even Emma will come to me asking to change her room around because she too loves how the change feels!! When I do this with my kids I get such a good clean feeling inside and out!! And every time you change it you breathe new life into the space whether it has been that way in the past or not. And after the long NH winters, change and renewal is something we all need and long for!! And as I sit here and ponder this hereditary homage of movement and change I also contemplate in my new spring kitchen whether or not to start the fire, for although the forsythia are out, the damp, cold, raw rain has returned, but inside my kitchen it IS spring and it will remain spring...at least until summer arrives!!

Just thinking....

Easter Sunday 2010

Each passing holiday and tradition brings with it a bittersweet sorrow as of late because as the mother of two teenagers the "good ole days" have gone by. Gone are the days of the Easter bunny coming and leaving trails and trails of jellybeans all over the floor and eggs hidden all over the house, some to be discovered a week later only by their persistent smell. Gone are the days of great surprises and that look of sheer childhood joy at the magic of seeing an Easter basket filled with goodies just for them as visions of this big bunny coming in and hopping all over your house. Emma told me a while back she was relieved the Easter bunny was never real because the thought of a life size bunny coming into her house was kinda creepy! And it is if you think about it!!

And although these days are replaced by different days, I find them to be harder days. It seems as though my life has become a series of decisions where no matter what I do there is ultimately someone who is unhappy! I have left the world of magic and possibilities and entered into one of constant negotiation and hormones and quite truthfully it has left me anything but playful! I LOVED all of the things you could do to get those reactions out of those little faces! I love the idea that life is full of wonder and surprise and play.

And as much as I try to maintain that level of playfulness the truth is that it does get the best of me and I find myself saying things that I don't mean to say and doing things that I don't want to do...all in the name of trying to figure out how to keep everyone safe and happy...okay...maybe not happy but at least not miserable!! And while I know that part of being a teenager is going through mood swings and misery the truth is that I just don't LIKE it!!

And so in an effort to keep things playful and full of possibilities I have created a treasure hunt this morning for the kids...who by the way, are STILL in bed!! Again...remember the days when they were jumping on your bed at 6 a.m. all hopped up on chocolate? (Allright...maybe I don't miss that as much!!) And although I have done this I can already "see" the potential for danger!! For at the end of the hunt will be something that will please one more than the other and although I know this I move forward hoping to see at least one smile on each face...if even only for a moment where I can be reminded of the children in them that once held wonder in their eyes...

And yet, tis the season of rebirth so perhaps embracing this next phase is what I need to do. Stop living in the past and embrace the present...yes this I can do...but of course I just needed to first grieve. It is all a part of the process.

Happy Easter Everyone!

Just Thinking....

Eating Alone...

I was flying home yesterday from doing a writing workshop in Rochester, New York and had a couple of hours to kill in Philly. Philly is NOT my favorite airport as you always have to shuttle bus from one terminal to the other on a bus with drivers who have virtually no sense of safety as they whip around the runways dodging those little carts and drivers towing luggage to large airplanes backing out ready for take off.

One of my bus rides was so harrowing I considered if there were alternatives to getting to the other terminal on my return home. The woman packed the bus with more people than is humanly imaginable. She kept yelling at me to move away from the door and the steel post that I was planning on hanging onto...what she did NOT seem to realize what that there was NOWHERE to go!! As people jammed in next to me I found a loophold that I could grab above me...waaay above me, but it was better than nothing. The thing is when you are holding a loophole you get swept side to jerking side as this woman whipped around a tarmac that had no boundaries. At one point was supposed to stop at the corner of the terminal where there was clearly a STOP sign posted. She proceeded to ignore it and careen around the corner with great speed almost picking off a man on a tractor. They both laughed as we narrowly escaped grazing each other. Ahhh...I thought. THIS is their entertainment. Playing chicken on a blind corner with a busload of stupid people versus the luggage guys. C'mon. Would I ever get off this bus alive?

And of course I did...but I was sweating and all stiff from desperately trying to stay on my two feet!! And so I was thinking more about this bus ride than what I would do with a two hour layover when I found myself in the correct terminal with nowhere to go. You see I was so early that my gate was filled with people for another flight to Vegas and it was packed! I knew I wanted something to eat. I quickly spotted an restaurant with sit down and wait service and decided this was better than the alternative..to get something take out and eat it off my lap, spilling it all over me as I had done on the way there!!

I sat down at a table in the very back of the restaurant so that I could look out and observe and not be observed. I sat down and thought about the fact that I was here, alone and ordering wine and pad Thai. It made me think of the many times I have been out to eat and noticed those "poor souls" who were eating alone and how I would feel sorry for them. Pi-shaw...what a major lesson in projection that is!! I was here sitting alone and reveling in it!! I was nobody to feel sorry for! I was out the world travelling...which I LOVE and had just had a great day of incredible conversation with a brilliant colleague. No, I was not the sorry lady at the back of the restaurant, but the confident woman who had finally grown up!! Imagine that...about to turn 45 and more than comfortable taking up a table just for myself!!

It made me wonder just how many of those people I had "felt" for were feeling just fine with their solitary eating and that I was the one who would have been uncomfortable. We choose so often to put ourselves into the position of others...at least I do as a self-admitted people watching addict...but with that we bring ourselves and imagine how "we" would be feeling. Perhaps all of my observations over the years are simply projections of me and who I am and where I am and what I am experiencing at the time. And can you think of anything more egocentric than that? And so I wondered how others would respond to the idea of eating alone and the responses posted on facebook were all over the book from scary to peaceful to "out of my comfort zone" and it makes me wonder...just how different we all are and as much as we all want to think we are alike and part of this human experience we call life...that we really could be not more different!!

And THAT is why I love to travel! It takes me out of my life and puts me out into the world to consider others and their lives. I am fascinated by people and how they work and operate. As for me...I will look carefully the next time I see someone sitting alone at a table and wonder...what are they really thinking or feeling....

Just thinking...

Thanksgiving...that was forever ago...

I can't believe that the last time I thought I had something interesting to say was Thanksgiving!! I am sure I have been involved in many interesting conversations in my head and yet none of them made their way onto this screen! Oh the shame. Oh the loss of those thoughts gone and abandoned forever!! What to do, what to do...

This whole world of blogging boggles me because it is as though you "think" you have an audience and yet you are still really only writing for yourself. If you actually want readers you have to solicit them and well...for me...that just feels plain weird sometimes!

And so I wonder...is there a way to make this blogging more meaningful to me so that it is something that I can and will actually keep up with? And an even better question is whether or not I even want to!!

My goal for this blog has been a holding place of the things I write about that I don't think I want to get rid of or there is just something I like about it!! That said, I have followed other people's blogs, but mostly as a way to stay in touch with them without really even being in touch. My sister and my niece come to mind. They are part of my morning ritual when I sit at the almighty glowing screen each morning with my cup of coffee. I check my e-mail, my nings, the day's weather, the local paper and The New York Times and then these two blogs. Just all a part of the plan. And yes, of course, as of late Facebook has also made its way into the mix!! The problem is that the more things I find on line the more coffee I find that I need!! Perhaps I it is time to streamline my morning ritual and find a way to get the information I want and need without taking a good two cups of coffee to do it. And yet, it is a very nice waking up thing for me!! What used to be the paper is now just a conglomeration of wonderful and not so wonderful things to read!! Of course then there is this new site I have found called Stumble Upon that one of of my students told me about. Can you say addictive time sucker? C'mon I know you can!!

But I limit my time on stumble!! The thing is that I always seem to find something there that I just have to send to someone else and for me that still takes time!! And so as I try to figure out my place in this techno saavy world I realize it is all around me all of the time and I am as hooked up as anyone else!! And in some ways I like that.

But of course then there are the times when my morning ritual leaves me flat and wanting more. This is especially true if my sister and my niece have not blogged, none of my students have ninged and well...there is virtually nothing interesting on Facebook. That is when I look for more, more, more and with that thought perhaps I will just post this and then I will be able to say that I had something to today and not last Thanksgiving!! Sheesh!!

Just Thinking....

Thanksgiving Poem...

A THANKSGIVING BLESSING

May we be aware not of the things we lack,
but of all that we have.

May we feel not the absence of those we love,

but the presence of those who love us.

May we see not just the harshness of our world,

but the gentleness of its mystery.

May we know not the cold of despair,
but the warmth of hope rising.

May we speak not of our hurts and losses,

but of our healings and blessings.

May we be with each other not in the shadows of the past,

but in the light of the present.

May we bring to our table not judgment, resentment, or anger,

but acceptance, compassion, and forgiveness.

May we remember to feed our spirit by living out of thankfulness.

Anonymous

Nightmares Becomes Reality

Have you ever had those dreams where you forget to show up for class for a big test because you overslept? Or shown up naked and not realized it until everyone was staring at you? That happened to Emma this morning. This year she has taken it upon herself to set her alarm and get up on her own. The past two years she has diligently left a post it on the outside of her door indicating the time she would like to be woken. New year, no post its.

And so this morning, a Saturday morning, I was sleeping in when it occurred to me that I had not heard the rumblings of anyone getting ready for school. I rolled over and realized it was close to 8, but that certainly Em was up and gone. My heart sank when I saw her door closed. I walked over, opened it hoping to see and empty bed, but instead I saw my sleeping beauty. I walked in waked her and her face went white when she realized that not only had she not gotten there early for extra time on her test, but that she was not there at all...and it was AFTER 8...the official start time of her test.

I told her to get ready and I went and made her a quick piece of toast and we got her there as quick as possible. I sent her with a note and not soon after she called me in tears. She was so freaked out about the entire thing. She told me through broken sobs that he was going to let her take it later today when she has a free period. I knew he would, but for a child who never does anything wrong, this was devastating to her. And yet, as I listened to her sob and tell me the story from the other end of the line I realized this was probably a painful, but good lesson for her. Nobody is perfect and that mistakes can be dealt with. She has never even been late to class, never mind being late for a test.

And as I write this I realize just how lucky I really am. At one a.m. this morning I was awakened by the sounds of a bunch of kids outside my window. I knew one of the voices and could not imagine what this 13 year old was doing out on High Street at one in the morning!! I panicked for a minute as I got out of bed and realized his mother was pulling up next to the group. I heard rumblings of the word police and then a male voice telling the kids to get home. My heart went out to that mother. She is in trouble with a capital T. And that is what comes of never setting boundaries for your kid. He runs the show and now the games have changed. I have to call her this morning. I know he is hanging with kids who are trying things, even though Zach assures me that they have "quit" smoking pot...everyone knows they have. I am mortified that they had something to actually "quit" as 8th graders, but I also know when I was growing up that there were kids trying it then. Times have not changed that much, but now I am the mother and it is different in SO many ways!! This is one of my worst nightmares...not knowing where my kid is at one in the morning.

Another mother in the neighborhood called me earlier in the evening to tell me that her son, who is a freshman, had invited a girl over who was "white trash" and that they were alone in their rec room and what should she do? I said she should be happy that her son was breaking out of his shell...but again...how do we let go and not want to make everything right and at the same time allow them to make mistakes that they can and will learn from?

Just thinking....gotta call my neighbor!

Life is Easy....

June 11, 2009 Poetry Project

“Life is hard.”
Is what I have always been taught
And with that lesson comes the awareness that
I must struggle.
That everyone struggles
In the light of the sun and the moon
There are moments of ease, but for the most part
It is about enduring the pain, the suffering and sacrifice.

“It is supposed to be easy” I am told today.
Life…easy? Must be an oxymoron she replies.
Just must be.
Life is not easy…it used to be easier, but with each passing
Moment she wonders…is she making it hard for herself?
Yes, she replies as her mother did and her mother did before that.
Is this what she wants for her daughter? Sacrifice? Suffering? Pain?
No…it is not. And so it is today she tells herself
Today that she shall begin the journey with a new thought
That it is easy. If we give in and accept life, she sees,
That life can be there to be easy, to be enjoyed and not simply endured.
Yes, she said, I like that.
Me too herself replied.

Practice,practice, practice....makes...

I find myself searching for times to take extra trips to the grocery store, to the park or just anywhere because Emma needs to get in 40 hours, yes, that is what I said, 40 hours of driving under her belt before she can even think about going for her license. Now let's think about that...really. That means that essentially she has to drive about 2000 miles...in the next 5 weeks. And that would be at a good clip of a good 65 mph. This new requirement, just doubled from the 20 hours that many of her friends had a hard time getting in. How would we find 40 extra hours in lives?

Emma has been driving since she turned 15 and a half in January, but with icy conditions, snowstorms and a very busy schedule, her daily drive to school and back was not exactly packing in the hours. 5 to 7 minutes to school and the same coming home. Can I count more time if we find a traffic jam and just sit in it? For each time she drives she has to enter not only the time, but also any "special" skills she worked on at the time. We are getting good at it, lane changes, night driving, parking, merging and well...the list goes on.

What this does force us to do is to be very aware of all of the things a driver does do. And although I am not opposed to this idea of practice, in fact I am very much in favor of it as I have seen Emma become so much more confident behind the wheel each time we get into the car. I can appreciate the state's devotion to practice as the one thing that will make her and any kid a better driver. Thank goodness because they are all going to be on the road with us!

And like anything, I see young drivers behind the wheel all of the time now. It is like when you are pregnant, every thing you see, hear and touch is baby, baby, baby. It even seems as though the commercials on TV change to be sure to include your current situation. But the reality is that that is where my brain is and so I am keenly aware as I sit on my front porch and see the Kenney's van go by, go to wave and then realize that behind the wheel I see long dark hair flowing in the wind as Eliza, one of Em's best friend go flying by. And it stops me for a moment. Soon there will be all of those kids that were just in kindergarten behind the wheel driving, driving driving.

The first day Emma started Driver's Ed, I dropped her off feeling anxious and very nervous. She was sure she would not know anyone and as the crowd assembled outside the driver's ed classroom I flashed back to this same group of kids standing on the playground at Main Street School waiting to be assigned to the right lines as they began their first days at kindergarten. Seeing time pass you by in the form of another human being is quite astounding.

When I look at Emma I see her there...but at other times I see her at 3. Pudgy little hands, a head of wild curly red hair and a mouth that never stopped talking. I can even feel her hand in mine as she would skip beside me on our way into the grocery store. Those same hands, now bigger than mine, are on the steering wheel. The wheel where she needs to spend 40 hours in the next 5 weeks!

And so I go off here...but my point was supposed to be that I am amazed that when it comes to something we do physically, the idea of practice, practice and more practice is the standard practice, but when it comes to intellectual development in our public schools it is all about...not time to practice, we have got to move on to the next thing.

What if that were the case with driver's ed? Sorry kids...no time for you to be behind the wheel because the amount of things we have to cover had doubled, tripled even and so we need to move quickly as you sit in your seats and I throw all of this information at you, but sorry, no time to practice.

What would we have on our hands but a pool of grossly inadequate, inexperienced drivers on our roads...but that doesn't happen because we all know and can see the difference in time spent. Will they still be inexperienced? Hell yea, but much less so than if they had to do this without the practice.

Emma has yet to get on the highway. I remember what that was like for me and I lived up in the sticks off of 89 where there were no other cars on the highway. Here, to get onto 101 or 95 is absolutely going to be a harrowing experience and one that we need to try to do soon, but not until she is ready.

I asked her yesterday on our trip to Staples if she wanted to try getting on 101 and going one exit on the highway to which she responded, sure...but how do I do that? As I started to tell her I could see her knuckles tighten on the steering wheel and her nerves increase. I stopped and asked, for fear of my own life and hers, if maybe she wanted to do it another time. She replied immediately, "yes". She was just not ready. And I can appreciate that and wait. Wait for her to find the confidence she needs to feel she can do it and not be a nervous wreck! And me too!
And I haven't even talked about what it is like to be in the passengers seat, but that is a whole other blog!!


And so I leave you with one thought...when is the last time your child was given the opportunity to read as homework. Just read, or write for practice? When was the last time that something was done in the name of practice and not just for a grade. Practice allows us the time we need to get ready for the "big show". It allows for mistakes, mishaps and risk-taking. If everything out kids do is a final end game, then where is the time for the practice? We have lost our way in education more than I can even think about. We have lost our way and sometimes I am not sure we are going to find our way back, but in the end we need to remember and not ever forget that the best measure of making progress is time spent doing something over and over, in different ways, over and over and over. And although I have no idea HOW we are going to find 40 hours of driving time, I do feel good to know that every young child will have that under their belt before driving off into the horizon! Taking into account, that is, that people are cheating on their recording of the hours. And I am sure THAT would never happen! ha ha ha

There was a good ending to this somewhere in my head, but as it turned out to ramble a bit I will just end it here...
Just thinking.....

I Believe...Writing at the Retreat...

Love, Laughter and Leukemia

I believe in the power of change. I believe in going with the flow and embracing flexibility, fear, not knowing and inspiration through the process of change. I believe we cannot wait to do what is best because all we may have is today. I believe in passion and inspiration and impulsivity. I believe in intuition and improvisation as we work each moment to make it matter. I believe we have one life and one life only. This is not a dress rehearsal and so we must strive for every moment to count. I believe in joy, laughter and fun. I believe we can have all of these things as we embrace the process of life that is forever changing whether we like it or not. I believe there is so much in life that we cannot control that we should strive to make the very best of the things that we can! I believe that life is hard, but stories and laughter and connections with others make it worthwhile. And even though I believe all of these things and more, I still have to make an effort to do all of these things myself whether it is in each day, each hour or each moment. I believe we are here not to forget, but to work to always remember how lucky we really are. And that, my dear friends, is not always easy.

January 20, 1997, Emma was diagnosed with leukemia at the tender age of 3 and a half. This was the day I was redefined in ways I would never be able to comprehend. That day I left my class of 5th graders and never returned to the classroom as a full-time teacher. That day I was no longer a “normal” mom attending story hour. Playgrounds and swings were replaced with hospital hallways and medical procedures. Play dates and monkey bars were replaced with visiting hours and IV poles. That day leukemia moved into our lives and refused to leave. It set its big ass right down on the couch, cracked open a beer and settled in for the long haul. You could feel his presence when you walked in the door. He was there and whatever I tried to do I could not get him to leave fast enough. It was out of my control. There were days I never showered, days I thought I could not bear the suffering of my curly red-haired, pudgy handed baby and the absence of my 8 month old Zachary. But I did. I just did.

And after four and half years of living in fear, the unthinkable happened Yes the unthinkable does happen. Emma was 6 months to being declared “cured” when she relapsed. Yes six lousy months away from freedom and we found ourselves again put in the shackles of a diseased life. It was unbearable. Any ground we had made was gone, forgotten, as new protocols, names of chemotherapies, and the new idea of radiation to her head and spine were thrown at me I could not dodge them as I lodged myself into a corner in of a dark room at Mass General hospital and I just cried, rocking myself back and forth, back and forth knowing that I could not, would not be able to do this again. This and more. I could not do it. I knew it. But I did. I had no choice.

And for every platitude that was thrown at me in the name of comfort I can only reply. God DOES give people more than they can handle…trust me…this was too much. I am NOT a better person for having experienced this. I liked myself just fine thank you before this all happened. I am just a different person. We all have shit. It just comes in different forms. What we don’t have is control. It is not in our power. And as much as we want and yearn to think we have control the truth is that we just don’t. What we do have is the power to embrace each moment for what it is. In the same way we must treasure each individual not for who they are and not who we want them to be. We must have our eyes open at all times so that we don’t miss the beauty that resides within the shit.

I can still see my beautiful bald baby sitting in the oversized hospital bed wearing her blue and white silk panda bear pajamas smiling over at me and telling me our new favorite show was on. I would laugh and settle in next to her as we watched those chosen ones run through the aisles of a mock grocery store and try to find items faster than their opponents. The show was as ridiculous as our lives had become, but being with her in that moment was a reality I was comfortable with. I had to accept that I myself could not control the cancer, but I could try to have some control of making it a better journey, to roll with her emotions, to laugh together, cry together, play cards for hours on end, do crafts, read and anything else you can imagine doing. And eventually…very eventually we settled onto the couch and pushed leukemia over and made room for ourselves on that couch too. It was not easy. But we did it.

And so this story that has been written. This story that defined me for so long, for so many years, it not my story any longer… It is a part of my history. It has been written. It is done. And so we move forward to the next story that is unwritten and the one after that knowing that we are all going to die. It is just a fact and looking death square in the blue eyes of my Emma I know this to be true. So we might as well laugh, create new stories, cry, go with the flow, take risks, be free, love, live and try to accept what life has to offer…if even for just a moment.

Heinemann Retreat Rocked!!

I love good conversation. There is just no way around it. I love the feeling of being in a think tank where everyone in the room is attempting to think outside of the box. Their thinking pushes my thinking to places it would not normally go. It is like being on the tennis court with someone who is better than me. It ups my game. It allows me to smash that ball with great ease and accuracy...hitting the sweet spot that keeps me wanting to play more and more. And I don't even play that much, but I do know that feeling of getting the ball to do something extraordinary.

So, when I spent the past two days with people from all over the country who do what I do, I found myself invigorated, inspired and moved beyond words. In a job where I am always the one in the place of leading, always the one in charge of inspiration and encouragement, it was SO refreshing to be with others who work to do the same thing. The difference was that instead of feeling drained like I often do after my group meetings as of late, I was completely energized. I fed off their thinking, their energy and willingness to take risks. Yes, it is the risk taking that was contagious in this group. I believe this is why they all are where they are. It is that willingness to just jump and try things without knowing just what might happen one way or another. It is a quality I admire. It is the way I strive to live my life.

We are all as different as they come, but what we had in common was a sense of spirit that we want and need to do what is right for kids. We have a bigger picture in mind of what it could and would be like in education if we all had the common goal of working towards upping the games of each of our children and not just upping the test scores. We get it and will spend, I suspect, the rest of our lives working with others to help them see, to inspire them to take risks, to work for the betterment of our educational system until we just can't do it anymore.

I feel so lucky to have stumbled upon this group, but then again, I am certain it is not luck. We are all just where we were meant to be. We share a common theme, a common vision that does not even need to be defined because we just know. We know that although our work often feels as though it falls flat, that what we are doing is SO important that we cannot and will not ever stop.

And so I can end this academic year with a great shot in the arm, thankful for the leadership of Vicki and Ellin and the rest of the Heinemann gang who not only "see" the future for what it can be, but also have the great intuition to know the power of a group of people who want to work together. This is what change, real change is all about and I am honored to be a part of the process.

Drive and Live!!

Phew! I just finished reading my last post and can you say glooooooomy? Any of you who are New Englanders tried and true understand that late winter, early spring state of mind. It is as though we are suspended between seasons and just when you get a small taste of sunshine and springtime the cold temperatures return and sweep through your body like the dampness of death, chilling your bones to the core. There is no getting warm from this kind of damp cold. There just isn't. Your body has made the transition to warm and that is all it longs for. Anything else just will NOT do! There is not going back!
And so I have not written because of that state of mind where I have not felt terribly inspired and when I have I have tried to pour it into some of my other writing projects.
But then you have days like yesterday. The sun was shining, everything was lush and green from all the rain, every bud was bursting to make it's way into the world and I woke with a sense of energy I have not felt in quite sometime. I knew I had to do something, but all of the things I "should" do just were not cutting it! I did not want to work! NO kind of work, be it home or school at all! I wanted to have FUN!
And so I suggested to my sister via facebook im'ing that she come down. Within moments she was off the computer and on the road in her jeep to come and take me rooftop down to the beach! Fun! Yes, sheer fun was what I was in search of after finishing one of my classes on Thursday, Friday HAD to be about fun! And it was. We walked and talked and drove and ate out under the sunshine on the water! It was THE perfect day! And I am so thankful that spontaneous is her second middle name...after the middle name of fun of course!!!!
Ahhh....

Talk and Die

Not even sure what I am going to write about today...I only know that there is something inside of me yearning to get out! Perhaps it is about the fact that that woman..can't ever remember her name, died on the bunny slopes from something called talk and die syndrome.. Reminding me that life is fleeting and that just two weeks before that I fell on my head skiing. I fell on my head, but I was wearing a helmet for the first time in my life. Was this my warning?

Perhaps it is about the fact that someone from one of my classes told me the other day that I remind them of that new judge on idol, Cara who could talk her way out of a hole and that that woman drives me so crazy that I fast forward her constantly...could I really be THAT annoying? Phu-leese...If I am anything like her in my classes then somebody needs to shut me up!!

Or maybe it is just about the fact that everyone I know around me is trying desperately to figure out life. There are so many of us, among the trenches who are fighting and working and struggling to keep marriages alive, others who have given up and are just there in the background and others who have found the strength to leave the fight and live on their own...no matter what the case, there does not seem to be anyone out there who is revelling and thriving in their relationships and for me this is...sad.

And for those who have left the battle, they find themselves faced with yet, another battle, the one that may even be more near and dear to my heart and that is the battle of the role of parent. I am the first to admit that if I had a life to live that was just my life I would be making some very different choices...but the bottom line is that I really don't feel as though this life is mine and only mine. That singular life of mine was altered forever the day I had my first baby.But no matter where you go, the same language is used...isn't it better to live a happy life than one that is sub par? Aren't you modelling this behavior of staying in an unhappy relationship to your children? Happy parents make happy children and while this all makes perfect sense cognitively...it does not make up for the total loss of family that a child loses in the process.

I saw this show on Oprah, yes Oprah the other day. This Mom was happily married and she even said, "in love" with her husband, but there was something inside of her that was just not right. To make a long story short...she is a lesbian and she never knew it. Today she seems to shine with happiness from within and is committed to yes, another woman. And although her daughters seem cool with all of this and had even teased their Mom about being gay before she even knew it, the pain on the mother's face when she saw her daughters talk about losing their family was evident. It is an either or situation. Both of her daughters were overweight and appeared to be happy on the outside, but still mourned that terrible loss and could not even talk about it without tearing up.

Can any of us do this to our children? And yet, people do it all the time. My kids have friends whose parents are both divorced and together and they all seem very well adjusted...there is always another way to look at all of this.And is it more than that? As I watch the stories unfold around me I can only wonder how each will write it's own ending and in the end...will it really matter? We are all ultimately searching for something that we can no longer fill with busyness and young children. We can no longer hide among the hidden for we have exposed ourselves and there is no going back.

Or is there? Is there any way to "go back". No, I can tell you from first hand experience that there is NO going back. There is only forward and with that forward we must bring our past with us...like it or not it is now a part of who we are.

And so people will go out and have affairs, people will stay in and only dream of another life and others will live with the uncertainty of what their spouses are "really" up to and allow their distrust to rule their lives. But living with distrust must be better than living alone...right?

And then I wonder about our physical location. Here in New England we are so much more rigid...less fluid to consider and less open to discuss things honestly and openly. I felt myself closing up slowly as I made the flight from Sedona to here. Back here to real life where we have to struggle each day to get out of bed to face yet another grey day here in paradise. Struggle to maintain the perfect image of family...and yet how many of us are doing just that...pretending?? And then there are the days where one gets through and feels a bit, if even a tiny bit content that their parenting went well or that they were there when their kids needed us and everything seems to come clearly into focus. This is where I am meant to be and there is no question...until the next moment when that question and so many others enter your consciousness and nags at you...life is short and one never knows just when it may be your turn to talk and die.

Laughter, Biking and Feeling Like a Kid Again...

There is really nothing better than reverting back to who you used to be in the midst of discovering still who you are and who you will one day be. As we ventured out to rent bikes to bike the island of Sanibel, we had no idea just what that would mean. Sure we had seen the large bikes with the big seats and baskets, but we were psyched to get out there and follow all of the bike paths wherever they might lead. And so we got our bikes as the friendly men helped us to adjust our seats and supplied us with ample drinking water for our adventure. As we each climbed onto our bikes and made our way out to the road it was not long before I realized that there were no hand brakes or gears anywhere to be found. As I struggled to remember back to my 5 year old mind for a frame of reference for how to stop my bike I put my feet down on the ground, scraped my flip flops and just laughed. How in the heck was I supposed to stop this thing? Not only was stopping a problem, but starting out was even harder. As the traffic stopped for us to cross, I tried to kick my pedals back into a position where I could get a good lift and sail off into the horizon. Wrong! The pedals would not go back and forward only propelled me forward. I tried standing and pushing harder, but there was no moving those damned pedals!! And so I was that little kid, straddling my bike across the street as quickly as I could hoping that I would be able to get on soon.
We biked and we chatted and we were all just so relaxed. Until we entered alligator territory. Deanne, who has spoken of nothing but spiders and snakes and alligators was forced into the lead. Earlier I had said that whoever spotted the first alligator that I would buy them a drink! And as she told us tales of big black snakes hanging from trees as we biked through low lying brush she screeched...there's one. And there he was. I mean he was firggin huge! The only saving grace was that he was sunning on the other side of the river! Phew! We got photos and honestly, I was ready to be moving on!!
We lunched and shared a few drinks, had grouper sandwiches and then got back on our little girl bikes! We poked in some shops and went into a gallery. There was something that drew me into this gallery. It was as though I had no choice...I was not drawn to anything in particular, but I just had to go in and inside were mostly horses. Horse sculptures, horse paintings and they were gorgeous. As I was walking this one wall with Tracy, I knew these were just nothing I was interested in so I turned and looked all the way across the gallery and made a b-line for this one sculpture of a horse. I walked over to it and just knew that I HAD to have it. No, it was more than that...it was already mine. And then I looked at the name of the horse...Ancient Energy. Attached to his leg was a story of the materials used and why this particular horse stored ancient energy. As I stood there looking at it I could feel the energy inside me swell. This horse was mine. There was no question in my mind. It did not matter what it cost or how I would get it home with me...he had called me and I was there to answer.
As I turned and looked at Tracy, Joyce and Deanne I told them that I had to have this horse. "I think this is something big here Tomasen." And then the curator told us how she believed that the horses picked the people. I stood there with this incredible sense of well being and good energy surging through me. She asked to take our picture with the horse and told us how she blogged about these horses and the people that they picked. I had been chosen. There was no doubt in my mind. And so we left, because we were on bikes, knowing we would return. I had claimed my horse in the name of a little red heart sticker. As I looked around I noticed that most of them had been claimed. The only two left were Ancient Energy and another one that Tracy was drawn to and was reading about...Dreams and Knowledge.
As we left I felt the energy swelling inside of me. In my last blog I wrote about this new spiritual journey and this horse, that looks like something you might buy in Sedona, where I am going in March, was waiting for me here on this little island of Sanibel and will be a force that will embrace my little girl, the person I am today and help to align the force that dwells within.
We arrived back at the resort to have a drink by the pool and ended the day walking the beach at sunset. Life is good. It is. And will continue to be.
Just thinking...

Spiritual Journey Continues....

Each and every January I find myself embarking on a new spiritual journey. Whether it is the Gratitude Journal of 10 years ago, or A New Earth by Tolle last year that I read side by side with my sister...it is so. I do this without even thinking about doing it. This January I did not seem to have anything right on hand and had not heard of anything that was speaking to me. I pulled my old Christina Northrup off the shelves and started to read through some of that, realizing that I have this energy block that has moved through my body. A block that I have been dealing with for years. It started in my lower back, moved to my heart chakra and is now lodged heavily in my neck and head. There are very few days that go by that I don't have some kind of headache going on.
In her book she begs the question..."What is this headache here to teach me?" And as smart and intuitive as I am, it seems that I am a slow learner in a couple of areas. Slow in that I must find myself beating myself over the head over and over and over...BAD Dobbie, BAD Dobbie. (Harry Potter reference). Anway...so in my reading I find myself on line seeking the work of someone that I can't even remember the name of right now. This lead me to the Omega institute. I remember finding this place on line before...but this time I was thinking I might actually go! And do some energy work.
A week later, I find myself on line and looking through Amazon for books that I want to buy to take with me on vacation and where do I end up, but reading about a book, called Breaking Open that is MY life. The first pages are me! And of course I am completely absorbed when bam! There are no more pages available. So I order it. In the meantime I decide to research the author who I think I saw on Oprah one day. And lo and behold...she is the founder of the Omega Institute. Now I REALLY have to go!! And I also have to rediscover the person I was looking up to begin with!!
I am also going to Sedona and am looking forward to checking out some of the energy vortex's. I am also interested in having a reading done. I am sure that I have had a past life as a slave and I think my blockage has to do with this. Whatever path lies ahead...I have this great sense that great things are going to break open for me this year in a way they never have before....
Just thinking......

Crockpot or no crockpot? That is the question.

Do you have a crockpot or do you not have a crockpot? That is the question. You see, it is January and with this cold month comes my friend Peg's annual lentil soup party. Lentil soup party you might ask...yes...all soup and all lentil! It is a fun gathering filled with prizes for those who get the bay leaf in their bowl and lots of music singing and well...it is just the cure for these dull January days. So, I am always prepared for the summoning of my crock pots from Peg. She sent out a group e-mail this year and I found it rather fascinating that there were those of us with crockpots and those of us without...and it got me wondering....just what kind of people DO have crockpots? I have not only one, but TWO crockpots. For me, getting a crockpot at my wedding shower was just a given. It was given to me by one of my many teacher friends and any of you who are in education realize and understand that having a crockpot is like having chalk for your chalkboard. You just do! There is no question!

I remember one day being at a school and it was "soup" day. Every teacher brought in his or her favorite soup in a...yes you guessed it...crockpot! The halls were lined with more soups than you could ever imagine. Choosing one to try only meant that you were afraid you would miss another! I left that day with more soup recipes than I will ever be able to make in a lifetime!!
Floating around the teachers rooms were crockpot recipies for the taking. As working mothers, there was nothing better than when you had actually planned ahead, fed your crockpot before you left that morning allowing you to walk in the door, the have the smells of the evening's delight wafting up your nose! Ummm...this was especially satisfying on a cold nasty day...kind of like today.

And yet, I wonder...has the art of the slow cooker gone out of style? Again, when Peg asked for the crock pots, two of my friends who are fabulous in the kitchen did not and have not ever owned a crockpot!! I own not only one, but two!! What does this say about us? Are gourmet cooks above the crockpot because slow cooking is not the best way of cooking or were they just never given one? Or have they never found the need for one? Do they know the joy of a crockpot and all that they have been missing over the years? Is there some line drawn around those who own and those who don't? And so I ask you...do you own a crockpot? And even more so...what do you think it says about you?

Even more importantly...am I crackpot for writing and wondering about crockpots? Who knows! I think I will dig out that Chicken Santa Fe recipe and throw it in the crockpot for dinner tonight! Yummy! Now that sounds good!

Just thinking....

President Obama...I like the sound of that!!!!

I keep thinking to myself that I HAVE to write about this past week. This past week where history was made and there was nothing to dampen my enthusiasm and great sense of hope. This past week where we came together as a nation, not in a time of crisis like 9/11 but in a time of celebration of change and hope. This past week where I sat and watched the inauguration at the Sunapee Bar in front of the big TV, had a beer and settled in...knowing this was a moment in life that I would never ever forget where I was, who I was with and the mood that was in this typically very loud bar!! This past week where everywhere I went and everything I watched had more meaning because we are in a current of change and that change is in the air and it is something I am riding along with the rest of the nation. This past week where I found myself in tears at the drop of a hat. Emotions running clearly, purely and freely. It IS all right to cry! This past week when I ripped off the cover of the Newsweek magazine and hung the picture titled, Obama's America on my magnet board because his America is OUR America. This past week where I have been trying to figure out what my part in all of this is going to be!!

And then in the midst of this, one of the teachers I work with told a story about one of her students whose mother is prejudice and not happy with Obama in office. Her history in the school includes one day where she saw someone wearing and Obama t-shirt and wanted to know if that woman worked in the school or not and if she did then she should NOT be wearing that t-shirt. (It was, a mother, volunteering!!) Anyway, it was inauguration day and this student seemed to walk into class very nervously. As the morning wore on the teacher noticed he was constantly fidgeting in his desk. Finally, she went over and what she discovered was a tiny tape recorder disguised in a little black container. The mother asked the child to record the teacher for the day so that she could find out what the teacher was going to do and say about Obama as our next President. Can you say Obamagate?? Phu-leese!!

I put this in because although I am riding the high of all of this...I am also keenly aware of those nay-sayers out there who are determined to put this man in a bad light. But here is the thing...I truly believe there are so many MORE of us who are behind Obama that the voices of these people will sail off into the horizon. This is a time where that collective psychology is going to work in our favor....
Can't you just feel it?

The Show MUST go on...

Ahhh... the day after Christmas gives me the respite I have been sorely lacking for so long. And with that I think to myself what a wonderful life it is in so many ways!
It is our third annual girls trip to NYC that I am referring to here. There seems to be something a travelling and bad weather theme for me as of late. Mom, Emma and I left here at 8 am to meet Lisa and Maddie in Windham. I knew there were threats of a Nor'easter in the making, but I had heard it was going to start later...later than 8 that was! For as soon as we left Exeter, the flakes started falling. I had talked to my sister, the flawless driver to see if we should make a different plan. I had even looked up the train schedule only to discover it would cost a mere one thousand dollars for the 5 of us to take it into the city and back. But Lisa was firm about going. I mean what else would we do? We had tickets for the 7pm show and the show was going to go on whether we were there or not.

So we drove and we drove and we drove and we drove. And as we drove the weather got nastier and nastier moving from snow to sludge to grease to ice to sheer insanity on the roads. At one point in Connecticut, there were cars off the road every 50 feet or so. The roads looked as though they had been oiled down with the thickest kind of grease. Lisa maintained her 10 and 2 position on the road, keeping her face with an appearance of utter calm as the rest of us tried to support her by occupying ourselves with everything but what was happening on the roads!!

Honestly, I cannot believe the woman's determination! I would have had several panic attacks had I been the one behind the wheel! The amazing part was that we were not alone out there on the roads. There was traffic and at times...lots of it! Now I am sure they were not in for the long haul of a five hour drive but still~
So we made it to our second cousin's house in just about 5 and a half hours...a good hour and a half more than it should have. Really not that bad if you consider the driving conditions!

At one point, this enormous tractor trailer skimmed by us...just inches away from our vehicle. The front of him spat up some brown sludge onto the windshield and before you could even think, you could hear sludge pummeling the side of our vehicle from the back wheels until finally it erupted in a sea of sludge that completely blinded the front windshield. I wanted to gasp and scream, but instead I looked over at Lisa who was sitting behind the wheel looking completely stunned and she very gently reached over and turned on the wipers! No reaction but the calmest of calm and thank God because I really think we could have been goners had she panicked in the least. It was right after that she stated that if the weather did not improve then we would be taking the train into the city from Anne's. Whatever you want my fearless driver was all I could think. Whatever you want!!

We made it there and took a long rest and as we were sitting there visiting with Anne the sun came out. Yep. We had done it. We had driven right into the Nor'easter and it was moving north and out of our final destination. We left Anne's and the rest of the ride was just a bit of rain in places.

We arrived and found our hotel after a beautiful entrance into the lighted city...there was Rockefeller center and then right into Times Square...but no place to pull over and get our stuff out. So Lisa just stopped! I don't think anything could phase her after that drive! My Mom and the girls jumped out with all the stuff and made their way to the hotel as Lisa kept the cops at bay. I jumped back into the vehicle and we were off to find cheap parking!!!

We stayed at the Marriott right in Times Square, giving us easy access to everything and Thank God because the wind chill alone must have been 30 below!! We braved the cold, made the show, Spring Awaking which was AWESOME, had dinner and crashed. The next day we made our way over to MOMA to expose the girls to "modern art" (what a joke but worthy of many laughs!) but also to see the Van Gogh exhibit that was there. FABulous!! Next it was back to the hotel for a hot totty and some very overpriced Sangria and then we went to see Wintuck.

Another fabulous evening of wining and dining at The View...a rotating structure at the top of our hotel where you could see the city from your table. All was well until Emma and I were drenched in wine that my mother accidentally spilled. For a moment it was tense as we were reeling with the feeling of cold wine all over us...not trying to make my mother feel bad...but we did and then I felt badly about that trying to explain I was no upset at her, just upset at being soaking wet! To no avail...finally the moment passed and we were on our way to get some food downstairs. Pizzas all around!

All in all it was a fabulous trip...but I did miss Hallie...our only original before Emma and Maddie joined in, but I am sure she will be there next year! I know I will because come hell or high water or nor'easter the show MUST go on!!

Just a little bit guilty...

I am feeling just a little bit guilty to be so warm and safe and sound within my house. But what adds to that feeling is that there are so many people without power and yet there are those who continue to light up their ostentatious displays of Christmas lights. Can you feel the irony here? I mean, I am all for Christmas lights. I sit and look at my tree beautifully adorned in Christmas lights...but perhaps in light (ha ha ha) of what has happened to us here in the northeast that this is the year to say no to outside lights. The lights that seem to laugh in the face of all of those who drive by and still do not have power. As they drive by the flashing colors and waving Santa's...just a reminder of all that they don't have...ahhh light to read by, eat by and live by, a source of heat just the basic needs like running water.
I don't know. Maybe it doesn't matter to these people, but at least for me...this will be the year that you will not see any lights outside of my house. It just feels wrong and well...anyone who knows me...that if I feel something then that is that. And if you are reading this and are in need of a hot shower...come on by. There is plenty to share!
But that is the problem as well...because if you need a shower then you cannot be reading this and as much as I have tried to reach out and find people...it is hard to get in touch with them or to even know if they have power or not.
I tried Christmas shopping yesterday and well...there was absolutely NO thrill in it. Again, it seems frivolous to be out there pounding the pavement for gifts when there are so many freezing their butts off! And it is much colder today.
Just thinking.....

A Picture is Worth...well you know!!