Cuban Reflections For Today...

A land of contradictions
Fractured Families
Confusion
Coercion
Communism
Classes
Creation

and music
A land not of the free
but of the very brave


A land frozen in time
a warped living museum
driving around in 54 Chevy's and
59 Fords some shiny and new
others barely running

An ancient crumbling city
A single man
with a shovel
amid the rubble
of decades of decline
stone by stone

Broken seats among deceit
the bottom falling out everywhere
the old man on the floor
the broken chair taken from around him
as another one collapses
slamming another trusting
soul to the hard marble floor

Big brown eyes
of a boy peering in at me
at lunch

Eyes of the old, the young,
the depressed and the ones
who smile through it all



























One slumped man along
the Malecon
I give him 3 cuc
where he sits and counts it
Wanting to do so much more

A people imprisoned
while others live in lavish
A place where peace
could not, would not...or
does it exist?

Houses bugged
cars bugged
hotels bugged
whispered conversations
near and far

you are never really alone

Freedom is worth fighting
for
For without it
there is...

Dear Mother Dear Teacher

Dear Mother,

I wanted to update you on your son's grades for biology per your request in the last email.  He could really use someone quizzing him the night before a test on the vocabulary.  I give flashcards out so it makes studying a little easier, along with a review sheet and practice problems for each test. If Zach is studying he is doing it passively, like reading through his notes, but what he needs to do is actively write down or perform practice problems, with the notes put away, so that he sees exactly where his weaknesses are and study those topics.

I think Zach tends to coast along and he could do with some more study time at home.  It is hard for soph boys to see how mediocre grades can affect their future track in life.  I think expecting B's from Zach is reasonable and he could do it, if he gets a little more organized and motivated.  I also wanted to tell you that I update powerschool at least once a week, so you can always log in and check on his progress there.  You can also check on his attendance record and number of tardies for the year.   It is a great tool for Zach to monitor himself and for you to feel like you know what is happening while letting him remain autonomous.  You can set it up to send you emails once a month or biweekly, so you don't even have to remember to do it. I also have a moodle site that has all of the homework assignments and upcoming test dates, so that you can help Zach become more organized and prepared. My moodle site has guest access so you don't have to log in, but you will need to login to Powerschool with a username and password. 

If Zach could get his homework done well and on time and spend a little more time studying for tests, I think you would see a drastic increase in his grades in class and on tests. Zach is always polite in class and has a smile on his face, so his personality will get him far and with good grades he would have even more opportunities. Please contact me if you have any questions or comments, Teacher

Dear Teacher,

Thank you for getting back to me.

As I read your report on Zachary I am reminded of an article I read recently.  

I hope you will read it and read it with an open mind.

Here it is!!

http://www.marcprensky.com/writing/prensky%20-%20digital%20natives,%20digital%20immigrants%20-%20part1.pdf

We are teaching a new generation here and while flashcards worked or didn't work for us, this is   a new generation of new thinkers!  As a fellow educator I feel it is our job to figure out where they are and to meet them there...at least half way.

Zach's lack of engagement is often labeled as "lazy" or as you stated that he does not "study well".  What exactly does it mean to study well and who has ever taught any of our kids to actually "study well"?  Does that mean using flash cards?  What if flash cards don't work for all students?  Haven't we come further than flash cards?

You also mention that he studies "passively".  I could not agree more.  There are no subjects at school, other than photography that Zach is "actively" involved in studying. (Digital photography that is)

This makes me so sad as a mother...you cannot even imagine.  Zach is one of the most creative and innovative people I know.  At home he is always tinkering with something,

thinking about how to improve his latest endeavor, scouring the internet for information, trying things out, taking risks, creating and his motivation is intrinsic.  School does not

provide ANY of that for Zachary or may I even say most of our students these days.  WE, as teachers, teach like we were taught but the problem is that these kids are wired

differently.  They like fast paced information with graphics first and instant feedback.  They are brilliant beyond words and  yet none of that is valued in our schools where kids move from

one class to the next, slowing down their minds and trying to pay attention to one person talking class after class after class.

I am not criticizing you...I just want to ask that you read this article and consider the language used in describing Zachary.  I wish you knew him the way I do and that is 

not just as his mother, but as a fellow educator who wants more for all of our kids in the public school systems.  I am in schools all over the state and still we teach the same

and ignore all that our students bring with them in terms of their worlds and technology.  On the flip side I am in first grade classrooms with smartboards where kids are constantly using and engaging with technology and even skyping with their penpals out in California!  Other teachers are using Edmondo to allow their students to ask questions in on online community where they can feel safe to explore subjects of their own choosing.  Fourth graders are blogging, 8th graders are a part of Good Reads and the list goes on.  Unfortunately, short of power point, I cannot think of even one technologically driven assignment and our High School was built completely outfitted for such advancements.  Have you seen that television recording studio?  Why aren't students creating TV shows that talk about the impact of biology in their community...just as a start!

I would expect A's of Zachary and beyond because he is smart and he gets things easily.  You would only expect B's.  How sad.  Shouldn't we expect A's from all of our students and help them get to A's if they are not there??  The problem lies on many levels though.  He IS motivated and organized when

he is invested in something.  School is out of touch for him and for many around him.  And while the prospect of learning biology through a video game might seem outlandish, I can

tell you that when there is even the slightest hint of using technology in an assignment Zachary is all over it.  He spends hours taking and editing his own videos.  What if he

could "create" something to show his learning to replace an assign and test kind of teaching?  Can you imagine the possibilities and all we could learn from these Digital Natives?

I am never sure how much to say.  It is just so hard to hear that Zachary is so disengaged in school knowing that he spends most of his day there.  And of course the standard 

answer that I have gotten from both his guidance counselor and the Vice Principal is that it is a "systems failure".  That there is nothing we can do for Zachary within this system because it is

the way it is.  The Vice Principal even said his son  struggled at this same high school and that my job was to just help Zachary suffer through it.  WOW!!  That is helpful now isn't it?  REALLY??  I think we can and need to do more and Zachary is not alone by any means.  How many kids...and even more specifically boys, are like Zachary that you teach each day?  After a while we have 

to ask ourselves if there is more we could be doing...don't we?

I teach in classrooms from first grade through the graduate level and my question to myself is always the same...if they (my students) are not getting something then what can I do to help them to come to a fuller understanding?  I want thinking...not just memorization for a test that is gone the next day.  I want my students to connect what they are learning to their own lives and to consider how what they are learning might impact how they are in the world.  Biology has so many implications for this kind of thinking...but right now I don't think Zachary thinks biology has anything to do with him.  Does that make any sense?

My daughter went to Phillips Exeter and she LOVED biology because they sat around and discussed biology!  She is now at Kenyon college and considering becoming a Biology major.  I wish that Zachary had an opportunity within the public schools to learn in a socratic method...but for some reason we rule that out as impossible and we stay with what we know.  Assign and test.  Assign and test. 

The irony is that the technology that teachers has been given, in the name of powerschool, is one that only increases the mentality of assign and test to get the almighty grade.  Emphasis is SO heavily  weighted on the grades and not what is being learned.  So many of our kids are not motivated by grades anymore.   And the stories I could tell you about parents fighting with their kids over homework EVERY day!  I did that all last year.  It nearly killed me and my relationship with my son. Powerschool only added to the anxiety as we would look at the grades and he would talk about the things that had not yet been posted...the homework that he did pass in and every teacher is incredibly different in their

use of Powerschool.  I stopped looking at Powerschool and and now looking at my son.  This kind of constant helicopter parent monitoring is not only ruining parent child relationships, but it is

also sad that it is the part of technology that teachers have been offered in a world of SO much more to be offered.  I can tell you there are parents who check powerschool hourly.  How is that

creating responsible and independent learners to go out into the world.  They need to fail in order to learn, but with high stakes grading and test taking there is very little room for failure of any

kind for our kids.  I feel sad for them as the greatest things I ever learned in life came from failures.  We as a generation are afraid to let our kids fail....

And your final paragraph speaks of opportunities....and the lack of opportunities Zachary will have because the opportunities offered to him right now are so narrow.  THAT is the greatest rub

of all.  It says conform to how WE teach and how WE think or your chances in life are well...less than stellar!  The system as is, is designed, particularly with Powerschool, to work against students.

If Zach gets a 0 on a homework it takes 6 A's for him to make that up.  The scale is heavily weighted towards failure...NOT success!  In my mind an A and an F should average to a C?  Right?  No.

In this point system it averages to an F.  There is very little room for risk taking and even less room for less than perfection.  It is a tough world for these kids to thrive in when their other worlds

are so rich with color, light, movement, flexibility, technology and a fast paced life where they are connected.  Zach is unplugged at school...I only wish you could see him "plugged in" in the worlds

that matter to him and that together we could find a way to light up the hallways of our schools where classrooms were interactive and students were truly engaged and not just  "getting through"

this period to get to the next.

But I am a dreamer.  

Please just take a moment to read this article as it is most fascinating on so many levels.  And honestly if I had to give you a grade right now...well let's just say I would suggest that you too might need some more study time and hey...what about some flash cards?

Thanks for "listening".

Tomasen

http://www.marcprensky.com/writing/prensky%20-%20digital%20natives,%20digital%20immigrants%20-%20part1.pdf

Creating Spaces Inside and Out!

"I woke up this morning with my mind, standing on Freedom."

I woke up this morning with this song in my head and realized I had felt more free than I have in a very long time.  I have been so OVERly focussed on the OUTSIDE,  getting my body into shape, eating right and obsessing over the numbers on the scale that refuse to move that I had been completely ignoring what was stirring INSIDE...these urges of creativity that are so intense that I don't even know what to do with them and I have not made the time for them at all.

I know they are there as I daydream about my upcoming trip to Cuba and the pictures I cannot wait to capture and the words, watercolors and images that I will record in my notebook, but Cuba is still months away and yet I have been ignoring these surges of urges.  That was until yesterday...

Yes.  Yesterday I made my way back to my "art space" that I created last spring.  Yes, I started out with high hopes that with a dedicated space I would take care of my creative self...regardless of what anyone else thought.  But then work started and well...the space was eventually cleaned up and although I have had small spurts of revisiting this space, it was, for most of this year, the piano room.

But then yesterday I said no to exercise and yes to art!  I pulled out all of my collaging materials, mod podge, watercolors, notebooks, paintbrushes and I just started making messes.  And one mess led to another and another.  At one point I was in such a frenzy that I was collaging with one hand and sprinkling salt on my watercolor with another.   And as much as the gardens were calling to me and the dog lovingly pleaded for her daily walk I said NO to the rest of it and let the day be devoted to messy creating, experimentation,  and ideas for projects abound.

The Notebook I collages yesterday.

Zach's workbench

Emma's handmade teapot and Laura's artwork keep me company!

Shared Space with Zach's Boards!

I had to tear myself away from this space to go to Zach's lacrosse game but not until I grabbed my camera, complete with a new kick ass zoom lens that I got for my birthday and I was off.

Zach right after he scored!!

I arrived to see all of the friendly parents up in the bleachers, but I stopped and stood by the field and was content in my aloneness to just play with the camera and this new lens.  What a joy it was taking pictures and actually being able to get so close to Zach on the field I could see his facial expressions.  The need to feed the creative beast inside was no way near done!

Zach # 17

So then I woke up this morning brimming with projects, ideas and everyone I read or heard from this morning on line gave me a new idea.  There are so many that I can't even begin to process so I decided I would start here...where I was inspired by my dear artist friend, Laura, and her images that she posted on Facebook this morning of her studio.  And then it dawned on me.  She was artistically capturing her artistry and that was something I wanted to do.

So here is my newly revisited "art space" that I have been creating.  It is heavenly with an old piano for a workbench, natural light and a shared space with my son Zachary where he "does" his artwork on longboards.  The piano bench is is work bench and his boards are lovingly displayed as well.

So enough with the words and on with the images.   I mean you get the picture...right?

Ramblings, Reiki and Rest

So I woke up this morning with that tinge of spring in the air and wondered...do I really even need to go to Florida this year?  While it has been a wildly mild winter, that hankering to just get away always seems to be there and once there is a destination and a plan in place it is like a reassurance that I will get through, yet another New England winter with some sense of sanity.  But there really has not been any winter!!

Change.  Strange.  The more I try to change the more I stay the same.  And yet this past week, after multiple changes taking place at the same time, I find myself not knowing what to do with  myself and how to do anything and so I have just been going with the flow, letting go of all of the routines and endless lists of things to do for the flow of life and just being.  For me being has been about people.  Taking the time to spend with people as opposed to the stacks of papers on my desk screaming louder than any one person and yet I ignored and chose the people.  It has been great. It has been different.  But how does this happen?  How can I stay in this place of flow without letting the world beat in on me with all of the "shoulds" and "have to's"?

Well...you see I am in the middle of Reiki training and the goal is to practice Reiki every day for 21 days. 16 days into that I decided to begin a 40 day meditation...not medication...although I see how much easier that would actually be and I chuckle that the words are so close to each other!  In addition on day 6 of Reiki I started a 21 day regiman of biodentical hormone cream to be applied twice a day for 21 days.  So who cares...right?  Well...here is the thing. I SUCK at doing ANYthing other than brushing my teeth, eating and going to bed, EVERY day!  The amount of things I have lined myself up with is only in addition to my daily vitamins, the goal to read and write every morning, do yoga, exercise, and to eat so that I can lose weight and feel better on the beaches of Florida.  In the midst of all of this I have to work, maintain a household and well...you all know how the list goes on and on.  We ALL have this and I know that and get it.  But I have to ask myself, why try to make so many commitments to change all at the same time?  Why not finish the 21 day cycle and then begin something else?

Impatience is the answer.  And so I set myself up for failure again and again.  Although in this case if you miss a day then you just start all over again...with the meditation that is.  The Reiki I have tried to be faithful to as it takes that 21 days to become attuned, but have I missed days?  Hell yes.  I have just not made the time to stay committed as I would like to be!!  What is wrong with me?  Why can't I just stick with something if even for just a short period of time?    And this, I see, is the story of my life when it comes to me.  I let those things go in the name of well...just about anything else?

So, I have decided that I am "in training" for the 40 day mediation...practicing it when I can and getting ready for the big 40 day commitment.  Phew.  That is a relief.  Now the Reiki I HAVE to do and although I am at 21 days tomorrow...I still see a few days that I have not done it.  This morning I tried to stay focussed and Reiki myself before getting out of bed.  And I did it!  In fact I was shocked to see that I had actually been doing it for 45 minutes!!  WOW!  And after that session it occurred to me that at so many times I wanted to shift my Reiki to someone else.  The dog, the cat, the house the world instead of on myself.  And it hit me that I can be committed to many things...but I am not so great at staying committed to myself!!

I meet with my Reiki Master on Wednesday and I am curious to discover all that I have yet to learn and yet at the same time to allow myself the forgiveness that I do not have to be perfect.  I definitely have this idea that there is a "right" way and if you are going to do something for a certain period of time then you just have to do it!  I realize my attention span for such things is about 2  weeks.  Then I seem to get bored and move on...upset that there are no instant results!!  This comes mostly in the name of trying new ways of eating to get some of this flub off of my flab!!  I have never been this  heavy before...minus pregnancies of course, but it is something that is making me CRAZY and although I have been essentially (yes some cheats for sure!) gluten free since Thanksgiving...I do feel better...but not one pound has left this old girl!!  I exercise at least and often twice a day, I meditate, I do yoga, I try to eat as well as humanly possible and yet I stay stuck.  I don't want to be stuck anymore.  THAT is why I am taking on so many new things at once and yet...I am still waiting for some kind of results...

So spring is in the air and I am still going to Florida and well..hopefully as I pack this week I will be able to fit into my summer clothes and what the hell...have a great time in the sunshine and attempt to go with the flow and just "be".  Time to trust in the process and know that although those pounds are hanging on for dear life that the rest of the stuff is just good for me...plain and simple.  Cheers!

A New Day

silence

stillness
the world's eyes opening
squinting
     stretching before
                    my
                        eyes
the sacred yawn of morn
brings a solitude
             of newness
hope, renewal and life

the woods
       my magical forest
with twinkling eyes
                        winking
surrounding me
as we usher in the
day as
one

Joyless January

I am mother, hear me roar!  My instinctual drive as mother is never one that I have questioned.  In that moment when I popped out that first little baby I knew, I was changed forever.  And that change was the most incredible, frightening and wonderful change of my life...for that time!  At that time there was really nothing more amazing and comfortable than loving that child....those children.    Love in it's most pure form, a feeling of peaceful warmth that fed me on more levels than I ever even knew existed.  They completed me.  (thank you Jerry McGuire)

Fast forward 18 and a half years and that same love is a love that is still joyous, but it is also hard.  It can be painful and sad.  I always knew that my children would leave one day, but what I was not prepared for was the loss of identity that I would experience with that leaving.  Sure, we have all heard of the empty nest, but I was sure that I would be one who would welcome the freedom to do and be and not always have to think about everyone else.  And while that is true to some extent, the loss that I feel is much greater than that sense of freedom.

I miss being a mother.  It is that simple and that complex.  Now of course, I am still a mother, but not the kind of mother that I was good at!  I LOVED the little ones, the days of endless finger painting with chocolate pudding and reading.  Seeing small bodies bundled in snow suits as they screech and sled out in the yard.  I miss those little voices, the small hands holding mine, those chubby little arms wrapping around my neck, the baby bouncing on my hip.  I just miss it.  I got it.  And so much of that time was stolen from us.  Stolen in its carefree nature and perhaps that is why I grieve for it.  Endless  days without schedules and without fear.  Those years were limited to 3 and a half.

This is not a post about Leukemia.  And yet maybe it is.  January is my darkest month for in this month 15 years ago Emma was diagnosed and the rest...well it just is.  I keep thinking this month will brighten for me as the years go on and yet it always seems to sneak up on me and suck the joy right out of me.  I am low.  I am flat.  I am without any sense of real joy.   It is Joyless January.

I was even skiing the other day with all of my favorite people and yet I was slow, removed, and felt that I had little to contribute to the conversations.  I am sad.  I am profoundly sad and I hate it.  I hate that I don't want to go anywhere and I don't want to do anything and there is nothing that gets me motivated or excited.  I just have these periods of grief and so I sit in them and wait.  Wait for them to pass...as they do.  But in the middle of it all...I got nothin'.  (Except a sinus infection and I am sure that is contributing to my low mood)

And yet...there is so much more than these passing blasts of sadness.  There is the sun that actually came out today.  There are friends and family who call and check in...keeping me connected whether I like it or not.  There are two amazing kids, no longer toddlers , but who are toddling to find their ways in the world and at this particular moment in time are happy.  I am thankful for their happiness, thankful for their health, and sad at their growing up all at the same time.

If I learned one thing through illness it is that life  is not an either/or, black and white, simple creation.  It is all of these things at the same time.  I am happy, I am sad.  I am all of these things and more.  And of course, when it comes to me...if you don't like my mood, just wait five minutes!!

And so I will peel myself off of this couch and get myself out into this world, sinus infection and all, and get some fresh air with the pup.   I have done my wallowing for today and now it is time to move on and get on with it.

Just Thinking....

Worlds Colliding

So, here it is. My attempt at taking everything that I am currently thinking about and putting it all together. What do I mean? I mean there is a knocking from within that is asking me to do some kind of project that will take what I know and what I am learning about education, teaching, learning, thinking and combine it somehow with my thinking about yoga, meditation, being and overall zen! Quite a tall order wouldn't you say? And yet is it?

It is my humble opinion that we are so lost on so many levels right now that it is scary. My belief is that our path was carved out for us on September 11th and that as a nation we have reacted kneejerkingly with fear. Fear has driven us as a people to make choices, give up freedoms and lose our collective and individual voices as never seen in this country before.

We are the land of the free, the home of the brave and yet they blow up our towers and we cower to whatever it is that we are "told" to do! And with the giving up of our power we have handed it willingly to those security guards at the airports and the people who are "above" who have NO idea what happens every day in a classroom and ultimately to those terrorists. They win.

We are so caught up in trying to walk the ever narrow tightrope of what everyone else has deemed important that we do not even see what is right in front of us and that is each other.

I see this most clearly in classrooms where teachers are teaching programs, curriculums, common core standards, GLE's, etc and not children. Lost in many cases is that human connection that keeps us all moving and wanting to live and be alive. A series of tasks to be completed, checklists to be checked, scores to be achieved takes all sense of wonder, curiosity, desire and the true beauty of learning.

Watch a person engage in something they are passionate about and you can see them glowing with that powerful yearning and desire to know more, do more, learn more. It is infectious. I watch my son Zachary as he spends hours pouring over my camera, reading the manual, experimenting with light, form, shape and color as a result of taking the one photography class offered at his high school. He is so in the zone that he can't even answer a question. Passion is driving him and it is a beautiful sight. A sight I have NEVER seen him have from taking any other class at school...ever.


One of his friends, has one of the most talented teachers I have ever had the privilege of having and knowing myself. Terry Moher was my writing instructor at UNH and working with her allowed me to free up my voice and to write that which needed to be written. Her open minded approach and remarkable conferring techniques allowed me to drive the bus of my own writing. Her questions and suggestions provocative, her manner accepting yet challenging at the same time. She also teaches here at Exeter High School and Zach's friend told me she is the best teacher he has ever had. In asking him to explain why he had to stop and think..

"Well, it is not that it is hard to get good grades, because it is not. It is more that it is the hardest class that I have because we have to think so much." He went on to talk about the choices that Terry allows these students. He talked about the choice she gave them to either write a paper or take a test. And if they did chose the test then they would also be responsible for helping her to come up with the questions for the test. You can see his mind working as he weighs these two ideas wondering if there is an easier way out...but he knows that either way he will have to think. And that leaves him thinking!! Thinking about his own thinking, learning and what it is that he has learned himself from reading Huck Finn. FABULOUS!!! Why? Terry teaches her students. It is that simple and that complicated.

So what does this have to do with my thinking? It is proof positive that when a teacher engages with students it matters. This does not mean that every teacher is going to reach every student, but it does show that if we try we can reach some of our students. I mean if there are more of us out there reaching out, trying to connect with students, work with students, be with children, curl up with a good book with kids, laugh with students, converse with kids, ask for opinions from our kid, LISTEN to them...and be human with them then we are going to see the change happen that we want to see in the world...thank you Ghandi! We need to break down the barrier of what came out of good intentions in the name of better education (based on fear mind you) and see our kids who are waiting on the other side. They NEED us as people. They NEED us to listen. The NEED us to be there for them for more than the basics. They are a very sensitive generation. They are the generation that is going to stop chasing the all mighty dollar and move to work in a more global world, and most of our schools are not in step with them on this journey. They will move on without us, but just imagine if we could facilitate and nurture all that they have to offer. They are brilliant. Their minds work differently having grown up as natives to technologies and yet we, the dinosaurs of technology bawk at it and try to find things wrong with it instead of accepting that is who they are, for better or worse and working WITH them and what they know! I believe in my heart of all hearts they are lightyears ahead of us all...but stuck in a system that models it's education after an industrial model...of which we no longer are!!


I worry that in my work as an educator for the past 20 plus years that we do NOT talk about kids anymore. The conversations, if led by the professionals themselves, tend to lean on what programs they are "doing", what scores their students are getting and not getting, and how little time they have in the day. When I used to sit down with teachers the conversations often started something like this, "I have this one student, James who hates to write..." Our conversations need to come back to those we are teaching because in the process the education system is becoming something that is nothing more than a series of checks and balances, as sterile as a hospital room, white, stark, blinding. It is less and less accessible to our students because they want more. They need more. They deserve more. It is no accident that the percentage of medicated kids is on the rise. I would need medication to stay awake in some of the classes I have observed as well...but WHY anesthetize our kids to cope with a system? Why not teach aesthetically and work to engage our students? They are smarter as a generation than we give them credit for. If we could all just take a collective breath together and begin to contemplate and see all of the insanity that is going on around us then perhaps we could begin to move our thinking back into the realm of humanity. We need to stop "DOING" school in the name of programs and test scores and all out systems failures. We need to jump out of the boxes we have put ourselves in and see that this is a system made up of people, not products and that people thrive and grow and change because of relationships and connections and thinking and curiosity, not because they happen to fill in the right or wrong dots with a number two pencil on a computer generated and scored tests.

And yet I also feel the need for a disclaimer to all of those dedicated, amazing, wonderful teachers out there(You KNOW who you are!!) who work to fight against all of these ideas and others as they slog their way through a confusing labyrinth of expectations, goals and trying to do the jobs that are expected of them and balancing that with the needs of their students. It is the ultimate juggling act with a million plates in the air and I admire you and know that I could not do the job that you do right now because for many of you there is so little freedom. My hope is that one day we will all return to the freedom to teach as we once knew it and that this "system" we are all in will find it's way back to humanity and out of the insanity it is in!! We need to stand up to fear and return to what we KNOW is good teaching and that begins with starting each year out getting to know our students, NOT testing them and placing them on a grid that means, ultimately, nothing to that child who is there and wanting to learn and often means even less to those who are teaching them!

Stepping down from the Soapbox...thank you for indulging me!

Cha, cha, cha changes...

I confess I am a great proponent of change.
In fact my life's work is to ask educators to think about change.
And yet when changes are forced upon me, I find myself so much more resistant to them.
Change has to come from within.
I know this through and through...

But when those changes are thrust on you out of circumstance all you can do is hold on and hope for the best. Personally I am going through SO many changes, including the "BIG" change. And for the most part I love it. I have let go of all of the "have to's" and I am no longer "shoulding" on myself!! I realize that in the end it is what we do with each day, each moment, each conversation that matters. It is what is in front of me in the here and now that I need to be working with in some way. Somehow without the monthly cycles I am more adept at letting things be instead of anticipating the next cycle, the next thing to do, the next thing to plan. I sound so evolved here don't I? Read on!!


And then there are the changes that are born out of the passing of time. Emma going off to college forces me to look back and see that time does not pass, it actually sprints and that you got to hold on for much of that ride in order not to miss it! I missed lots and I hope I did not miss the rest! As much as I tried staying present through the major child-rearing years I realize that in all my efforts I was still often the busy working Mom who did not embrace every moment, but I was there for the big stuff and the little stuff...but not everything. I did the best that I could and that is all there is!! No judgements about what I could have done better...and yet...

I find this incredible need to buy her stuff, send her stuff, and when I visit I make sure to buy her more stuff. Emma is not a stuff person, but my drive is palpable. It is a primal urge that moves me into the stores and asks, "Do you need more shampoo? Laundry detergent? A glass box? This necklace, God knows you only have like 50!!" Like she can't go to the local store and get that when I am not there!! And although I know this craziness is only in my head it is not something I can stop!

But what I am really trying to "buy" is an assurance that I have given her everything that she needs to go out into the world, to be independent, to survive and thrive on her own. And in all of my security there are insecurities that I have not yet done all that I needed to do and yet..it is too late. She is gone. She is on her own. It is a make it or break it situation and the ultimate test of parenting. As a friend of mine said, you teach them their whole lives to be independent and then dammit they actually go out and do it!! But my silly little fears are about the lack of control that I have and in that realization comes that change of letting go...the change that has been slammed into my life and that I must deal with in one way or another!! I have to let go. I have to trust that what I have done up until this point matters and that although she will have struggles and failures and victories and retreats that she has somewhere in her arsenal of life lessons something to deal with whatever it is that is presented to her. Change be damned...it happens whether you want it to or not so hang on and try to enjoy it on the way. I am certainly trying to!!

For the Love of Color

A fresh coat of paint made it's way onto the dining room walls yesterday. What a color it is. In the green family, a very new family for me. You see, I have never been a green girl. My world of paint color has seemed to stick in the more vibrant worlds of yellows, reds and oranges. I will never forget the first time I painted my living room red at the old house on Oaklands. It was like taking a huge tube of lipstick and watching it seep across the white walls. What a blast. I knew in that instant that I was addicted to color and the more the better, like the Halloween orange in my livingroom here on High Street. I remember Emma and I looking at the samples and wanting to go for it, but being nervous it was too much. After the initial strokes, there was no turning back and I have loved it everyday since.

You know time is passing when you paint the first room in the house that you painted when you first moved in. The dining room was the first canvas I dared to touch because so many of the colors in the house were very muted, pastelly and while they are not something I would have picked, I loved them...and still do. And the reason I felt I could do this room because it was clearly the one room that the woman who lived here before us, was unable to get to. It was still clad in a heavy, dark, maroon wallpaper that was so out of step with the rest of the house that flowed from room to room so beautifully. Even half of the woodwork was only done, leaving the dark heavy mantel and china cabinet next to the white woodwork of the windows. In a sense I felt the need to do that room, to finish the work that Jackie was never able to.

You see, Jackie still lives here too. Jackie raised her five year old son in this house. Jackie died in this house. From cancer. She also made sure we lived here, but that is another story. This one is of color and the choice I made yesterday would be very high on her list of selections. In fact, I would even venture to say that she helped lead me to this color. Greens...tough for one who is not naturally drawn to them I again went through the process and put various samples up on the walls. What I thought I wanted did not seem to be out there. So I started a survey and asked everyone who went through to give their vote and EVERY person picked the same one. And so that was it! I went to the paint store, bought a gallon of Benjamin Moore's Croquet, knowing if it was horrible I could always paint over it.

Glorious I tell you. Simply glorious!! The room is transformed into an elegant space that I am so excited to decorate with all natural elements. I want to create several pieces myself to give it that David Bromsted feeling that stamps it as my own. (You must be a HGTV junkie to know what I am talking about here!! LOVE Color Splash!) And as I envision my pieces I only hope that my skills will be able to keep up with what I am seeing in my mind's eye. Either way the excitement at the thought of creating is enough to get me a bit giddy! I am an idea person. I love ideas and have gotten to the point where I realize the ideas are so much fun that if I don't get to follow through with them then that is okay...because that creative processing piece gives me pause and I just LOVE that part of it all. Follow through is where I am always lacking, but again...we are talking about color here!!

So, on top of all of this is the woodwork, which is where this whole project started. I have always wanted to paint over the woodwork, but have avoided it like the plague because it is SO much work! So my Mom volunteered to do that and well...this dining room project was born. And that is where this project still is. Much woodwork to be done, but that first impact of a whole new fresh coat of paint is just like nothing else! God I love change and this green thing might be something to stick with! In celebration of such a move I even bought myself a pair of green sloggers...gardening clogs! NEVER before would I have picked green. Colors are part of who we are and where we are at that given point in time. Gone is the bright happy yellow from those dining room walls and in with the serene, calming, oh so elegant touch of croquet. So I say hello green. And is there a theme? I am actually gardening and enjoying it for the first time, and doing the weekly Farmer's Market CSA with SO much green coming into the house once a week it is a scramble to figure out what to do with it all, but hey...green is in. It is fashionable...it is hip and apparently, so am I!! Go green!

Barely 8 o"clock

It is barely 8 o'clock
and I have been to the beach
walked the dog
talked from the heart
listened with the soul
had precious time
with a dear old sole

Moving with the
fog...adding to
the community art project
of beach "trash"
Ushering in the day
with the waves on my heels
toes in the sand
ahhhh......breathe

It is barely 8 o'clock
I have sent off the
almost 100 riders of
the Granite State Quest
off to conquer the 100
miles that lie ahead of them

I have listened to the doc
in tight bicycle shorts
from Mass General
say that when he was born
most children died of cancer
I heard him say that today...
75 - 80 % of them are cured.
Tears start to form
Amazement and gratitude
seep through my being
as Emma's face flashes in my
head...I see Patricia
and time stands still
for just a moment.
She has been there for it
all. So much more
than a nurse practitioner.

It is barely 8 o'clock
I arrive back home
to sleeping teenagers
those damned birds still
trilling and tra la laing
in the day
what orchestra thrives
in those trees out back.

Feeling full.
Feeling hope.
More than despair
Ride on GSQers
Right on Dear old friend.
Looking forward to yet
another walk and talk
a "twalk" on the beach
with you

It is barely 8 o'clock
and my intention is to make
this sacred morning time
a part of my every day
for in the getting up
in the getting out
I cannot lie in my
own head
in my own bed
and worry the day away

Early morning time
there is no other time
quite like it.
A gentleness lies in
each minute as the day
begins to crack open
the sun yawns over the horizon
It is barely 8 o'clock
I am off to yoga
hello day...

A Bit More of Me...

Today is the first day
in an infinitely
long line of days
I have woken up
and recognized a
bit
more of
me

Settling into a summer-kind-of
morning pace
coffee
computer
water the flowers
meditate
yoga and
now the day can begin

green paint
on the dining room walls
waiting to be chosen and
given life.

beds that need to be weeded
house that needs to be cleaned
not overwhelming
just a summer pace
knowing I will get to it when
I
get
to
it

or not.

the cacophony of
birds trifling in the day
makes me pause
slow down
wonder creeps back into my being
where have you been
dear sweet wonder?

less flat
less crying
keeping the demons at bay
for today

it is good
it is all good
glad to see you
again...me

it has been too long
I have missed you
even if you are just a
bit more of me.
I will take it.

Rest in Peace Mae and a CSA

I am joining a CSA called Stout Oak Farm and the farmer herself is Kate Donald, although she will always be Katie Sullivan to me. We first met many many years ago at Greenfield Farm in New London, NH where I taught horseback riding lessons and she was one of my students. She was a sassy little thing who would not take anything from anyone be it human or animal. I liked Katie right off, her spirit, her determination and fire and all at such a young age. I can still see her in her tan britches, tall black boots and her pony tail bobbing from left to right, stomping off with great conviction in an effort to get whatever it was she wanted or needed.

Fast forward about 20 years and I walk into the Blue Moon for lunch one day and this gorgeous woman, still with that long gorgeous ponytail, behind the counter asks, "Are you Tomasen?"

"Yes....," I reply searching the recesses of my grey matter to try to pinpoint just if and how I know this person.

"I am Katie Sullivan, you used to teach me horseback riding lessons and I owned Mae."

Ding, ding, ding the pinball in my brain rolled around each cortex making connections left and right leaving a shining array of colorful recognitions and memories behind. I smiled. Katie!! Yes, Katie.

You see, Mae (aka: Greenfield Farm's Maple Sugar) was my horse at Greenfield Farm. A feisty registered morgan that Kathy and Larry "gave me" to break and ride and train as my own as part of the deal for working and essentially living on the farm. I saw Mae come into the world in the most beautiful luminescent sac of magic, saw her stand up within minutes and saw the look of spirit in her eyes as she stared into mine and wobbled around the stall. Mae had a mind of her own from that very first day. I was the first one on Mae's back, the first to lunge her, the first to stroke her, the first to feed her from my hand, the first to show her (which she hated by the way) the first to do everything with her. There was a bond between us like no other I have ever experienced.

So, when it was time for me to go off to college, leaving her seemed impossible. Kathy and Larry called up some old friends at Merri-Lee farm in Lee and had Mae transferred there so that I could ride her. I would borrow someone's car or jump on my bike clad in riding boots and britches and ride over to be with my horse. But, Mae was not happy there and the times that I could actually get to the barn became less and less. The places to ride were difficult terrain and Mae, it seemed, missed her family and her home at Greenfield Farm. She was clearly pissed off that my visits were so far and few between. She became obstinate, trying to throw me at every turn. The fire in her eyes now had a red anger to them as well. After one semester, she went back home and they decided to breed her.

I will never forget the night I got the phone call in the middle of the night that Mae was in labor. My barn buddy Jen and I jumped in her yellow tinged Maverick and drove all the way up Route 4 from UNH to see Gus arrive just as we did. Magic again I tell you. Sheer magic. Life. Amazing.

Not long after, or maybe even before that, Katie bought Mae as her very own. I remember feeling jealous at first. Not sure that anyone but ME should own Mae, but I also remembered that spirit and realized they were perfect for each other. Katie, a good 6 or 7 years younger than me, had the time to be with Mae and work with her and be with her when I could not.

So how do I get from Mae to a CSA? Kate is now leasing her own farm and has been at the Farmer's Market for several years, but THIS is the year I have been waiting for as she has also created a CSA and I am in! I am excited to support Kate in her lifelong dream and to be a part of healthy living, supporting a local and blessed farmer and to eat locally. You know the drill...ALL great stuff!!

A rainy Thursday, a slow farmer's market, I stop by and find Katie under her tent surrounded by her beautiful bounty. She tells me this is the year she is selling shares in her crops. We chat, exchange information and then a wash of sadness crosses her face. "Mae died." she tells me as tears filled her eyes. We reminisce about the life of leisure Mae retired to up on the mountain right above my sisters house. "She lived a long life" and we figured she was probably about 36 years old. Could that even be? Or was it 32? Whatever it was, she lived a long life, a beautiful life and she was loved. Kate speaks about her last owner who loved Mae as we did. We exchange a look of sadness, a knowing that we were lucky to have shared an incredible experience with an incredible animal. Loss...yes and at the same time a bit of celebration for the long happy life and the new connection Kate and I will now have. From Greenfield Farm to Stout Oak Farm. Rest in Peace Mae. You were loved deeply by two very eager young girls in britches and forgotten you will never be.
draft
9:13:00 AM

Honoring Sadness

There is a sadness lurking around me
Seeking to creep in and overtake me
with his long heavy arms and dark eyes

It begins with a feeling of fatigue
one that makes you say "no" to
all that is happening around you.
No to yoga.
No to the daily dog walking
No to the beach
No to it all...
because you know that no matter
what is tried...it will linger.

A sadness so profound that I don't
know where to hide it, where to
put it, what to do with it and yet
I feel it in every limb of my body
every muscle that connects my bones
it is living and breathing off of me.

It is a sadness bathed in glory as
it signifies the changes in life
that must come.

Good changes, hard changes.
Changes.

I am so tired.
There is not enough sleep
to cure this exhaustion as
each day moves into the next.
Today, even the sunshine
wanes and loses the fight.

I try to discover a sense of beauty
peace and wellness....to eat right,
to exercise, to try to overcome what is
trying to overcome me, but today I am
losing. Today I give. I am too tired to fight.
I don't want to fight anymore.

And so I will be one with the sadness today
and allow it to live it's life through me
as it must do with the faith that this too
will pass and understanding it is all
part
of
the
process.

Honoring sadness
counter-intuitive
yet a necessary
process
of
accepting and living
with
loss...

This Son of Mine

This son of mine...

It is 4 am I cannot sleep
thinking of this son of mine.
"He is so friendly" the other Mom's
tell me of my son out and around town.
"He speaks to me and it is from the heart."
I smile inside and out
so proud of this son of mine.

He is incredibly talented,
this son of mine and when he
puts his mind to something
there is no stopping him.
Researching the latest technology
in equipment, starting up his own business
he is resourceful, invested, inventive, artistic...
he amazes me, this son of mine.

"He is lazy" they tell me
of this son of mine.
and I cringe thinking they
do not know him.
"Academics are not his interest" they say.
Judging him without taking
any shared responsibility.
What they don't see is the brilliance
in this son of mine.
In fact, I am not sure they see him
at all.

It is a system, broken, that seems
to take down everyone in it's wake.
One who is this son of mine.
and as a mother my heart breaks
knowing that there is little I can do
to save this son of mine, part of
a sinking ship, untouchable, very far
out to sea


"We are losing him." they tell her
of this son of hers.
"I know and that is why I am here..."
"Have you considered private schools?"
they ask her.
Their only solution for yet another
brilliant son of hers.
She has five children she has been
in for meetings all year long
She asks me...
What else can she do
with this son of hers?

And so I too will go in for yet
another meeting around the big table
where they
will share more choice cliches about
this son of mine
and I will again defend this son
of mine for who he is.
An amazing mind that finds work
takes on challenges
creates projects
and is engaged in thinking
everywhere in the world, except within
the four walls of school
Comic tragedy
this son of mine

These sons of ours
will be successful
because they have figured things
out that took me years.
They do not buy into working solely for a grade
Without purpose they are not
motivated to do any more than what
is necessary to
get
by.
And get by they will
these sons of ours...

But still it keeps me up
at night, imagining a system
that would embrace these boys
and work with them to use their
minds
and be done with simply
biding their time
biding his time
a year at a time
a year at a time
a year at a time
a year at a time
this son of mine.

My Latest Poem...

Silence, Stillness
The world’s eyes opening
Squinting
And stretching before my eyes

The sacred yawn of morning
Brings a solitude of newness
A feeling of hope, renewal, and life.

The woods, my magical forest
With twinkling eyes winking
Surrounding me as we
Usher in the day as one.

Just one of those days....

Today was just one of those days...it started out rather bumpy, but once I got past that I just let it flow. My only plans were a series of orthodontist and dentist appointments for the kids and myself. A got a run in with Emma and the dog, showered and then was off to the next appointment. All done and scratched off the list by 3. What to do with the rest of the day? Three o'clock in the summer is so different than three in the winter. Had it been December or the dead of January I would have literally been counting the dark minutes so that I could get myself into my pajamas for the night. But 3 in the dead of summer allows you another entire day of daylight and living. What to do?

Bike to the Farmer's market of course. I put my basket on my wicked witch of the west bike and Emma and I headed to town. It was a glorious day with a sky the color of the most delicious blue with clouds sweeping in and out of it's brilliance. I love sitting upright on my bike and looking around and just taking in everything all around me. I know I look ridiculous, but I am just so damned content, like feeling as though I am 10 again. We sailed into town and took a sharp right to go down the rest of the way on the riverside. We live in such a gorgeous town and as I pedaled along the boardwalk I lamented that I did not do this everyday. How is it that something so unique can be so forgotten? How is it that I allow life to pass me by in a series of to do's, child pick-ups, and the general laundry of everyday life? Well...no more.

My motto this summer is to be on "Island Time" even though we are not going to Martha's Vineyard this year for the first time in years. It is an experience in the ultimate "staycation". I decorated my kitchen like a beach house with beach prints, photos I have taken from past trips to the Vineyard, shells and rocks and seaweed. I am getting to the beach as much as possible and today, I incorporated the biking piece that is such a large part of our time on the Vineyard. And you know what? It was awesome!! I biked with island eyes and tried to really look at the town I live in that I barely even see everyday as I drive through it. Emma and I picked out all the best produce and stopped at our local Serendipity here in town, one of our all time favorites so that Emma could end her quest for the perfect wallet!! I wandered in behind her and saw my friend Mary who makes jewelry and works at the store. She had brought in a fresh shipment of her own stuff. I commented on the gorgeous necklace she was wearing and went on my way to help Emma.

And then I turned and saw it. A necklace like the one Mary was wearing, but in MY colors. I walked over, grabbed it up and put it on. It was made for me. I did not need the necklace, I mean do you ever NEED a necklace? In general I am not even a regular necklace-wearer, and this one was unlike ANYTHING I had ever worn before. It was big and chunky and made out of what appeared to be stones. The center stone was as blue as the sky I admired as I was biking in. I HAD to have this necklace. It even perfectly matched the earrings I happened to have put on that morning. There was no doubt that I would own this beauty, but the price, the price forced me to put it back and walk away only to return to it and put it back on, never to be removed as I walked out of the store with the bargain of the century. I bartered with myself and remembered that if I was on the Vineyard I would have allowed myself this luxury! And so I knew it would be mine!! I was on staycation afterall!! Little did I know I would fall under the "family and friends" plan of my dear friend Mary. That and the fact that is WAS 20% off Ladies night!! Bargain! And so I sit here and think about how elegant I felt biking home with this gorgeous piece of art hanging around my neck. Sheer indulgence!! I was glowing in the day, my necklace and laughing at my basket stock full of local eggs the color of a rainbow, fresh local produce complete with the luscious green Kale sticking out the top.

I wish my life felt this way everyday. It does not. Just knowing it could makes it all seem simply wonderful. So I came home and created the most beautiful meal with all of my fabulous produce and I sit here, the perfect end to the second half of a perfect summer day sipping pinot grigio and writing it all down. It doesn't get any better that this...does it?

And yet it ends...as the 14 year old boys enter my house brimming with testosterone and brace myself for the sleep over and try not to worry that Emma is out there with my car at the movies and dinner with a friend!! And although I find myself feeling content at the moment...I am also reminded of long summer nights and yearn for that freedom once again. In the meantime...the wine tastes just fine!! Anyone wanna join me?

Just thinking.....

Birthdays and Deathdays...

My weekend consisted of a friend's 50th surprise birthday party and my own birthday of turning 45. At these celebrations there was talk of deathdays. One of our most renowned educational professors at UNH died a month ago and the very young age of 58. One minute he was here and the next he was gone. To know Grant Cioffi was to love Grant. He was one of those very soft-spoken "gentlemen" who I was privileged to know as a student, as a teacher in his hometown of Barrington, as well as one of his son's, Rob's third grade teacher and later on as a colleague at UNH. Thinking back on my connection with Grant I realize he was one of the first people who I met that really challenged me to think professionally. I first met him again in the local elementary school where he had volunteered as a parent to be on a committee where we were looking at what was happening with our struggling readers. Having Grant join us in this notched it up several levels as we delved deeply into the minds and hearts of these readers who just had a hard time. I remember feeling energized by his challenging and thoughtful questions. I remember loving to think and work together to figure these kids out!!

At my friends party she told me that someone spoke at his service and talked about how Grant took her face one day and told her to "listen with your face." And that is exactly what Grant did! He listened with his face, responding and listening intently to every word, storing it away for the next time you met. And when you did see him, be it weeks or years later he would always remember how many children you had and where you were working and what you last talked about. He had a gift for listening...really listening...

And yet...as we spoke of him in the past, I felt a great remorse at not having been able to attend his service that was "beautiful" as accounted for by anyone I asked!! Hitting 45 was not a big deal for me because it simply stated that I had made it another year!! As my birthday approached I did meditate one day and had a vision of my own birth. Through the canal and then thrust into my mother's arms. Once there I envisioned looking up at my mother's face and seeing sadness, pure and utter remote and distant sadness. I am convinced my mother suffered from postpartum depression, but what a strange image to pop into my head. It kept me thinking and wondering and then wondering some more.

Emma and I spent a week in Hilton Head and everywhere we went, every store we went into we kept hearing the lyrics, "Live like you're dying..." and we laughed and wondered...are we? And what does that really mean? Are we living like we are dying? Capturing every moment and cherishing it the way we need to? I can honestly say that no, I do not. I do not in the way that I wish I did!!

And so on my birthday I decided that the day was going to be about doing just that. Loving and living in a way that embraced life not for it's grandiose gifts and gestures...but more for just what it is!! I woke up when I felt like it, and had coffee and sat in the sun sipping it. Breakfast was made for me..yummy eggs and toast and then there were no plans! And I was fine with that!! The day was a gorgeous one. The kind of day that makes you want to run to the mountains to hike or to the beach to walk and soak up all the sun! We talked about all of these ideas, but instead I decided to walk the dog and go for a run with Emma and Ruby. It was simply delightful!! We met some friends and chatted and savoured the fresh air and sunshine. Then we came back and I took a long shower without rushing!! It was certainly something that felt just right!!

Eventually we did leave the house and drove into the sunshine with no particular destination in mind!! We ended up at the beach and had a fabulous linner st Ron's Landing in Hampton with an incredible view of the ocean. We are so lucky to have this in our backyard!! A bit of champagne and good food and company and well...another birthday passes with great moments where I really and truly was in the moment. And of course it was a day where nobody was allowed to utter the word "no" to me!! That is sheer heaven. And the effort my kids put forth to make this happen was humorous, especially Zachary as he would be about to say no and then realize he had no choice! Oh the restrain!!!

And as I go into my 45th year here on this earth I am reminded, yet again, of how truly blessed I am with wonderful people in my life! Be they old friends or new, my kids, my family, my colleagues that they are what matter most. (And if you are not of Facebook then this is a great way to be reminded of those incredible people in your life!!) And as I reflect on life, on birth and on death I realize once again and I learn once again that it is in these tiny moments, like when Emma wrapped up a toy Jeep for me to open as her gift for me. (Yes, I have been on the path to wanting a third car, a bum around jeep that Em could take to school and I could drive along the beach!!) Yes, these small moments that so often get overridden with the minutiae of life. What amazes me is that no matter how many times I learn this lesson I know that I will forget it as quickly and so that is why we are reminded in life and in death that we are here for the living, as part of the living and so you better just get out there and "live like you're dying!" Beach anyone?

Just thinking....

Moving Furniture....

I have been working on getting my surroundings into spring mode. There is nothing more enjoyable for me than to find a new arrangement of furniture in a room! I LOVE change and this is one of those quick fixes that I can do to make my life seem less the "same", less "routine". And so this spring I have decided to try an "interim" look that allows me to keep the nice rug in my kitchen longer than usual. As I switch out the dark furniture for the summer wicker from my bedroom I usually drag in the summer sisal from the dining room and make the exchange. This, my friends, is NO easy task!! Getting everything off of both rugs without running out of room is the greatest challenge and the truth is that this year the summer sisal is on it's last leg with doggie mud footprints forever brandishing it's corners. I take down the faux chocolate brown floor length curtains and expose myself to the world, letting in all of the light possible.

So, as I sit here on this rainy day in my "new" room relishing the change I am forced to wonder why I had never thought of this arrangement before!! And the thing is that once I change a room I want to be in that room more than any other!

You might think this is a hormonal thing, and while you can predict it according to the cycles of the moon...I am also convinced it is hereditary. Yes, you heard me correctly...hereditary!! I got it from my mother. I can remember times spent in my room on hot summer nights where we would move around the furniture and organize everything in my room. This one time I remember, I must have been about 10 and we moved my desk right in front of the open screen window. I LOVED this as the cool summer night wafted it's way into my stale room. I recall just sitting there and wishing that I had something worth writing about, because it was, the perfect writing spot!! I had nothing to write, but I did sit and doodle and pretend to write!! I remember a warmth that was peaceful as my Mom and I worked together within the space, a rare moment with a Mom that never once sat still throughout my entire childhood!

Whenever we rent a house with the larger family, the first thing we do is rearrange the furniture. My mother is the queen of this and has impeccable spacial prowess!! In fact, she can be downright tough if she walks in and observes my changes, puts on an awkward smile and says something like, "interesting...", meaning it is WRONG! I tell her to leave it alone and that it is my therapy and that she can do what she wants in her own house. But here is the thing. If she mentions one thing or another I start obsessing about it and continue to move things until I get it right. There is an art to this!! Everything has to be balanced in some way and well..in this room...conducive to conversation! I HATE it when she does that...but in the end I do end up liking my changes even more...

And the line does not stop there. Zachary was home from school sick last Friday and in an effort to keep him off of that damned Call of Duty video game we decided to rearrange his room. I, of course, was delighted!! We spent much of the day taking down the homemade loft that was built when we first moved in. He LOVES his new room and has barely left it all week. After a day of change his mood improved and all of those teenage woes disappeared...if even for a few hours. (He was home "sick" because of crap at school...another whole story!!)

And even Emma will come to me asking to change her room around because she too loves how the change feels!! When I do this with my kids I get such a good clean feeling inside and out!! And every time you change it you breathe new life into the space whether it has been that way in the past or not. And after the long NH winters, change and renewal is something we all need and long for!! And as I sit here and ponder this hereditary homage of movement and change I also contemplate in my new spring kitchen whether or not to start the fire, for although the forsythia are out, the damp, cold, raw rain has returned, but inside my kitchen it IS spring and it will remain spring...at least until summer arrives!!

Just thinking....

Easter Sunday 2010

Each passing holiday and tradition brings with it a bittersweet sorrow as of late because as the mother of two teenagers the "good ole days" have gone by. Gone are the days of the Easter bunny coming and leaving trails and trails of jellybeans all over the floor and eggs hidden all over the house, some to be discovered a week later only by their persistent smell. Gone are the days of great surprises and that look of sheer childhood joy at the magic of seeing an Easter basket filled with goodies just for them as visions of this big bunny coming in and hopping all over your house. Emma told me a while back she was relieved the Easter bunny was never real because the thought of a life size bunny coming into her house was kinda creepy! And it is if you think about it!!

And although these days are replaced by different days, I find them to be harder days. It seems as though my life has become a series of decisions where no matter what I do there is ultimately someone who is unhappy! I have left the world of magic and possibilities and entered into one of constant negotiation and hormones and quite truthfully it has left me anything but playful! I LOVED all of the things you could do to get those reactions out of those little faces! I love the idea that life is full of wonder and surprise and play.

And as much as I try to maintain that level of playfulness the truth is that it does get the best of me and I find myself saying things that I don't mean to say and doing things that I don't want to do...all in the name of trying to figure out how to keep everyone safe and happy...okay...maybe not happy but at least not miserable!! And while I know that part of being a teenager is going through mood swings and misery the truth is that I just don't LIKE it!!

And so in an effort to keep things playful and full of possibilities I have created a treasure hunt this morning for the kids...who by the way, are STILL in bed!! Again...remember the days when they were jumping on your bed at 6 a.m. all hopped up on chocolate? (Allright...maybe I don't miss that as much!!) And although I have done this I can already "see" the potential for danger!! For at the end of the hunt will be something that will please one more than the other and although I know this I move forward hoping to see at least one smile on each face...if even only for a moment where I can be reminded of the children in them that once held wonder in their eyes...

And yet, tis the season of rebirth so perhaps embracing this next phase is what I need to do. Stop living in the past and embrace the present...yes this I can do...but of course I just needed to first grieve. It is all a part of the process.

Happy Easter Everyone!

Just Thinking....

Eating Alone...

I was flying home yesterday from doing a writing workshop in Rochester, New York and had a couple of hours to kill in Philly. Philly is NOT my favorite airport as you always have to shuttle bus from one terminal to the other on a bus with drivers who have virtually no sense of safety as they whip around the runways dodging those little carts and drivers towing luggage to large airplanes backing out ready for take off.

One of my bus rides was so harrowing I considered if there were alternatives to getting to the other terminal on my return home. The woman packed the bus with more people than is humanly imaginable. She kept yelling at me to move away from the door and the steel post that I was planning on hanging onto...what she did NOT seem to realize what that there was NOWHERE to go!! As people jammed in next to me I found a loophold that I could grab above me...waaay above me, but it was better than nothing. The thing is when you are holding a loophole you get swept side to jerking side as this woman whipped around a tarmac that had no boundaries. At one point was supposed to stop at the corner of the terminal where there was clearly a STOP sign posted. She proceeded to ignore it and careen around the corner with great speed almost picking off a man on a tractor. They both laughed as we narrowly escaped grazing each other. Ahhh...I thought. THIS is their entertainment. Playing chicken on a blind corner with a busload of stupid people versus the luggage guys. C'mon. Would I ever get off this bus alive?

And of course I did...but I was sweating and all stiff from desperately trying to stay on my two feet!! And so I was thinking more about this bus ride than what I would do with a two hour layover when I found myself in the correct terminal with nowhere to go. You see I was so early that my gate was filled with people for another flight to Vegas and it was packed! I knew I wanted something to eat. I quickly spotted an restaurant with sit down and wait service and decided this was better than the alternative..to get something take out and eat it off my lap, spilling it all over me as I had done on the way there!!

I sat down at a table in the very back of the restaurant so that I could look out and observe and not be observed. I sat down and thought about the fact that I was here, alone and ordering wine and pad Thai. It made me think of the many times I have been out to eat and noticed those "poor souls" who were eating alone and how I would feel sorry for them. Pi-shaw...what a major lesson in projection that is!! I was here sitting alone and reveling in it!! I was nobody to feel sorry for! I was out the world travelling...which I LOVE and had just had a great day of incredible conversation with a brilliant colleague. No, I was not the sorry lady at the back of the restaurant, but the confident woman who had finally grown up!! Imagine that...about to turn 45 and more than comfortable taking up a table just for myself!!

It made me wonder just how many of those people I had "felt" for were feeling just fine with their solitary eating and that I was the one who would have been uncomfortable. We choose so often to put ourselves into the position of others...at least I do as a self-admitted people watching addict...but with that we bring ourselves and imagine how "we" would be feeling. Perhaps all of my observations over the years are simply projections of me and who I am and where I am and what I am experiencing at the time. And can you think of anything more egocentric than that? And so I wondered how others would respond to the idea of eating alone and the responses posted on facebook were all over the book from scary to peaceful to "out of my comfort zone" and it makes me wonder...just how different we all are and as much as we all want to think we are alike and part of this human experience we call life...that we really could be not more different!!

And THAT is why I love to travel! It takes me out of my life and puts me out into the world to consider others and their lives. I am fascinated by people and how they work and operate. As for me...I will look carefully the next time I see someone sitting alone at a table and wonder...what are they really thinking or feeling....

Just thinking...