Fast forward 18 and a half years and that same love is a love that is still joyous, but it is also hard. It can be painful and sad. I always knew that my children would leave one day, but what I was not prepared for was the loss of identity that I would experience with that leaving. Sure, we have all heard of the empty nest, but I was sure that I would be one who would welcome the freedom to do and be and not always have to think about everyone else. And while that is true to some extent, the loss that I feel is much greater than that sense of freedom.
I miss being a mother. It is that simple and that complex. Now of course, I am still a mother, but not the kind of mother that I was good at! I LOVED the little ones, the days of endless finger painting with chocolate pudding and reading. Seeing small bodies bundled in snow suits as they screech and sled out in the yard. I miss those little voices, the small hands holding mine, those chubby little arms wrapping around my neck, the baby bouncing on my hip. I just miss it. I got it. And so much of that time was stolen from us. Stolen in its carefree nature and perhaps that is why I grieve for it. Endless days without schedules and without fear. Those years were limited to 3 and a half.
This is not a post about Leukemia. And yet maybe it is. January is my darkest month for in this month 15 years ago Emma was diagnosed and the rest...well it just is. I keep thinking this month will brighten for me as the years go on and yet it always seems to sneak up on me and suck the joy right out of me. I am low. I am flat. I am without any sense of real joy. It is Joyless January.
I was even skiing the other day with all of my favorite people and yet I was slow, removed, and felt that I had little to contribute to the conversations. I am sad. I am profoundly sad and I hate it. I hate that I don't want to go anywhere and I don't want to do anything and there is nothing that gets me motivated or excited. I just have these periods of grief and so I sit in them and wait. Wait for them to pass...as they do. But in the middle of it all...I got nothin'. (Except a sinus infection and I am sure that is contributing to my low mood)
And yet...there is so much more than these passing blasts of sadness. There is the sun that actually came out today. There are friends and family who call and check in...keeping me connected whether I like it or not. There are two amazing kids, no longer toddlers , but who are toddling to find their ways in the world and at this particular moment in time are happy. I am thankful for their happiness, thankful for their health, and sad at their growing up all at the same time.
If I learned one thing through illness it is that life is not an either/or, black and white, simple creation. It is all of these things at the same time. I am happy, I am sad. I am all of these things and more. And of course, when it comes to me...if you don't like my mood, just wait five minutes!!
And so I will peel myself off of this couch and get myself out into this world, sinus infection and all, and get some fresh air with the pup. I have done my wallowing for today and now it is time to move on and get on with it.
Just Thinking....
2 comments:
This is so beautiful. Too often we measure life in birthdays and death days... in the highs and the lows... we keep our joy and pain in those boxes, which makes it really hard to sit and feel your body and the "God of Small Things." Those small things... even in January ... well they will be the sum of you. I think the Universe tries to make us pay attention to them... yesterday at work, I was talking to my co-workers when one of them just stopped us all by telling us to look out the window... our silly banter turned to awe... look at how the sunset is hitting the buildings... so beautiful. That's not to say that the flip side isn't as important - which I think is what your post says -- that you can be taken away from normalcy by a small reminder of a deep pain. I have those moments as much as I have the joyful small moments. I'll see a penny and always think of my niece who died because her Grandma believes random pennies in odd places are pennies from heaven. I'll hear a song and think of a former lover. If all that January can bring is a delight in your own breath, that's huge. Many blessings to you.
Maybe your Joyless Januarys enable you to see all the good in the other months. You are such a positive and "joy filled" person. It is ok to feel the dark side once in a while. Going through what you did with Emma and how it affected your family, is huge. It helps you to celebrate the wonderful, healthy Emma of today. Loved your post. Your voice is so strong in your writing. I just love that. It seems as though you are reading it to me. I too feel the sense of loss as the kids get older. They don't need us like they did, we don't know what they are always thinking and feeling and I hate that. We helped them grow up, it was our job. Too bad it went by in the blink of an eye.
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