Just Thinking....

Joyless January

2012-01-28T06:54:00.000-08:00

I am mother, hear me roar! My instinctual drive as mother is never one that I have questioned. In that moment when I popped out that first little baby I knew, I was changed forever. And that change was the most incredible, frightening and wonderful change of my life...for that time! At that time there was really nothing more amazing and comfortable than loving that child....those children. Love in it's most pure form, a feeling of peaceful warmth that fed me on more levels than I ever even knew existed. They completed me. (thank you Jerry McGuire)

Fast forward 18 and a half years and that same love is a love that is still joyous, but it is also hard. It can be painful and sad. I always knew that my children would leave one day, but what I was not prepared for was the loss of identity that I would experience with that leaving. Sure, we have all heard of the empty nest, but I was sure that I would be one who would welcome the freedom to do and be and not always have to think about everyone else. And while that is true to some extent, the loss that I feel is much greater than that sense of freedom.

I miss being a mother. It is that simple and that complex. Now of course, I am still a mother, but not the kind of mother that I was good at! I LOVED the little ones, the days of endless finger painting with chocolate pudding and reading. Seeing small bodies bundled in snow suits as they screech and sled out in the yard. I miss those little voices, the small hands holding mine, those chubby little arms wrapping around my neck, the baby bouncing on my hip. I just miss it. I got it. And so much of that time was stolen from us. Stolen in its carefree nature and perhaps that is why I grieve for it. Endless days without schedules and without fear. Those years were limited to 3 and a half.

This is not a post about Leukemia. And yet maybe it is. January is my darkest month for in this month 15 years ago Emma was diagnosed and the rest...well it just is. I keep thinking this month will brighten for me as the years go on and yet it always seems to sneak up on me and suck the joy right out of me. I am low. I am flat. I am without any sense of real joy. It is Joyless January.

I was even skiing the other day with all of my favorite people and yet I was slow, removed, and felt that I had little to contribute to the conversations. I am sad. I am profoundly sad and I hate it. I hate that I don't want to go anywhere and I don't want to do anything and there is nothing that gets me motivated or excited. I just have these periods of grief and so I sit in them and wait. Wait for them to pass...as they do. But in the middle of it all...I got nothin'. (Except a sinus infection and I am sure that is contributing to my low mood)

And yet...there is so much more than these passing blasts of sadness. There is the sun that actually came out today. There are friends and family who call and check in...keeping me connected whether I like it or not. There are two amazing kids, no longer toddlers , but who are toddling to find their ways in the world and at this particular moment in time are happy. I am thankful for their happiness, thankful for their health, and sad at their growing up all at the same time.

If I learned one thing through illness it is that life is not an either/or, black and white, simple creation. It is all of these things at the same time. I am happy, I am sad. I am all of these things and more. And of course, when it comes to me...if you don't like my mood, just wait five minutes!!

And so I will peel myself off of this couch and get myself out into this world, sinus infection and all, and get some fresh air with the pup. I have done my wallowing for today and now it is time to move on and get on with it.

Just Thinking....

Worlds Colliding

2011-10-02T06:17:00.000-07:00

So, here it is. My attempt at taking everything that I am currently thinking about and putting it all together. What do I mean? I mean there is a knocking from within that is asking me to do some kind of project that will take what I know and what I am learning about education, teaching, learning, thinking and combine it somehow with my thinking about yoga, meditation, being and overall zen! Quite a tall order wouldn't you say? And yet is it?

It is my humble opinion that we are so lost on so many levels right now that it is scary. My belief is that our path was carved out for us on September 11th and that as a nation we have reacted kneejerkingly with fear. Fear has driven us as a people to make choices, give up freedoms and lose our collective and individual voices as never seen in this country before.

We are the land of the free, the home of the brave and yet they blow up our towers and we cower to whatever it is that we are "told" to do! And with the giving up of our power we have handed it willingly to those security guards at the airports and the people who are "above" who have NO idea what happens every day in a classroom and ultimately to those terrorists. They win.

We are so caught up in trying to walk the ever narrow tightrope of what everyone else has deemed important that we do not even see what is right in front of us and that is each other.

I see this most clearly in classrooms where teachers are teaching programs, curriculums, common core standards, GLE's, etc and not children. Lost in many cases is that human connection that keeps us all moving and wanting to live and be alive. A series of tasks to be completed, checklists to be checked, scores to be achieved takes all sense of wonder, curiosity, desire and the true beauty of learning.

Watch a person engage in something they are passionate about and you can see them glowing with that powerful yearning and desire to know more, do more, learn more. It is infectious. I watch my son Zachary as he spends hours pouring over my camera, reading the manual, experimenting with light, form, shape and color as a result of taking the one photography class offered at his high school. He is so in the zone that he can't even answer a question. Passion is driving him and it is a beautiful sight. A sight I have NEVER seen him have from taking any other class at school...ever.

One of his friends, has one of the most talented teachers I have ever had the privilege of having and knowing myself. Terry Moher was my writing instructor at UNH and working with her allowed me to free up my voice and to write that which needed to be written. Her open minded approach and remarkable conferring techniques allowed me to drive the bus of my own writing. Her questions and suggestions provocative, her manner accepting yet challenging at the same time. She also teaches here at Exeter High School and Zach's friend told me she is the best teacher he has ever had. In asking him to explain why he had to stop and think..

"Well, it is not that it is hard to get good grades, because it is not. It is more that it is the hardest class that I have because we have to think so much." He went on to talk about the choices that Terry allows these students. He talked about the choice she gave them to either write a paper or take a test. And if they did chose the test then they would also be responsible for helping her to come up with the questions for the test. You can see his mind working as he weighs these two ideas wondering if there is an easier way out...but he knows that either way he will have to think. And that leaves him thinking!! Thinking about his own thinking, learning and what it is that he has learned himself from reading Huck Finn. FABULOUS!!! Why? Terry teaches her students. It is that simple and that complicated.

So what does this have to do with my thinking? It is proof positive that when a teacher engages with students it matters. This does not mean that every teacher is going to reach every student, but it does show that if we try we can reach some of our students. I mean if there are more of us out there reaching out, trying to connect with students, work with students, be with children, curl up with a good book with kids, laugh with students, converse with kids, ask for opinions from our kid, LISTEN to them...and be human with them then we are going to see the change happen that we want to see in the world...thank you Ghandi! We need to break down the barrier of what came out of good intentions in the name of better education (based on fear mind you) and see our kids who are waiting on the other side. They NEED us as people. They NEED us to listen. The NEED us to be there for them for more than the basics. They are a very sensitive generation. They are the generation that is going to stop chasing the all mighty dollar and move to work in a more global world, and most of our schools are not in step with them on this journey. They will move on without us, but just imagine if we could facilitate and nurture all that they have to offer. They are brilliant. Their minds work differently having grown up as natives to technologies and yet we, the dinosaurs of technology bawk at it and try to find things wrong with it instead of accepting that is who they are, for better or worse and working WITH them and what they know! I believe in my heart of all hearts they are lightyears ahead of us all...but stuck in a system that models it's education after an industrial model...of which we no longer are!!

I worry that in my work as an educator for the past 20 plus years that we do NOT talk about kids anymore. The conversations, if led by the professionals themselves, tend to lean on what programs they are "doing", what scores their students are getting and not getting, and how little time they have in the day. When I used to sit down with teachers the conversations often started something like this, "I have this one student, James who hates to write..." Our conversations need to come back to those we are teaching because in the process the education system is becoming something that is nothing more than a series of checks and balances, as sterile as a hospital room, white, stark, blinding. It is less and less accessible to our students because they want more. They need more. They deserve more. It is no accident that the percentage of medicated kids is on the rise. I would need medication to stay awake in some of the classes I have observed as well...but WHY anesthetize our kids to cope with a system? Why not teach aesthetically and work to engage our students? They are smarter as a generation than we give them credit for. If we could all just take a collective breath together and begin to contemplate and see all of the insanity that is going on around us then perhaps we could begin to move our thinking back into the realm of humanity. We need to stop "DOING" school in the name of programs and test scores and all out systems failures. We need to jump out of the boxes we have put ourselves in and see that this is a system made up of people, not products and that people thrive and grow and change because of relationships and connections and thinking and curiosity, not because they happen to fill in the right or wrong dots with a number two pencil on a computer generated and scored tests.

And yet I also feel the need for a disclaimer to all of those dedicated, amazing, wonderful teachers out there(You KNOW who you are!!) who work to fight against all of these ideas and others as they slog their way through a confusing labyrinth of expectations, goals and trying to do the jobs that are expected of them and balancing that with the needs of their students. It is the ultimate juggling act with a million plates in the air and I admire you and know that I could not do the job that you do right now because for many of you there is so little freedom. My hope is that one day we will all return to the freedom to teach as we once knew it and that this "system" we are all in will find it's way back to humanity and out of the insanity it is in!! We need to stand up to fear and return to what we KNOW is good teaching and that begins with starting each year out getting to know our students, NOT testing them and placing them on a grid that means, ultimately, nothing to that child who is there and wanting to learn and often means even less to those who are teaching them!

Stepping down from the Soapbox...thank you for indulging me!

Cha, cha, cha changes...

2011-09-28T05:48:00.000-07:00

I confess I am a great proponent of change.
In fact my life's work is to ask educators to think about change.
And yet when changes are forced upon me, I find myself so much more resistant to them.
Change has to come from within.
I know this through and through...

But when those changes are thrust on you out of circumstance all you can do is hold on and hope for the best. Personally I am going through SO many changes, including the "BIG" change. And for the most part I love it. I have let go of all of the "have to's" and I am no longer "shoulding" on myself!! I realize that in the end it is what we do with each day, each moment, each conversation that matters. It is what is in front of me in the here and now that I need to be working with in some way. Somehow without the monthly cycles I am more adept at letting things be instead of anticipating the next cycle, the next thing to do, the next thing to plan. I sound so evolved here don't I? Read on!!

And then there are the changes that are born out of the passing of time. Emma going off to college forces me to look back and see that time does not pass, it actually sprints and that you got to hold on for much of that ride in order not to miss it! I missed lots and I hope I did not miss the rest! As much as I tried staying present through the major child-rearing years I realize that in all my efforts I was still often the busy working Mom who did not embrace every moment, but I was there for the big stuff and the little stuff...but not everything. I did the best that I could and that is all there is!! No judgements about what I could have done better...and yet...

I find this incredible need to buy her stuff, send her stuff, and when I visit I make sure to buy her more stuff. Emma is not a stuff person, but my drive is palpable. It is a primal urge that moves me into the stores and asks, "Do you need more shampoo? Laundry detergent? A glass box? This necklace, God knows you only have like 50!!" Like she can't go to the local store and get that when I am not there!! And although I know this craziness is only in my head it is not something I can stop!

But what I am really trying to "buy" is an assurance that I have given her everything that she needs to go out into the world, to be independent, to survive and thrive on her own. And in all of my security there are insecurities that I have not yet done all that I needed to do and yet..it is too late. She is gone. She is on her own. It is a make it or break it situation and the ultimate test of parenting. As a friend of mine said, you teach them their whole lives to be independent and then dammit they actually go out and do it!! But my silly little fears are about the lack of control that I have and in that realization comes that change of letting go...the change that has been slammed into my life and that I must deal with in one way or another!! I have to let go. I have to trust that what I have done up until this point matters and that although she will have struggles and failures and victories and retreats that she has somewhere in her arsenal of life lessons something to deal with whatever it is that is presented to her. Change be damned...it happens whether you want it to or not so hang on and try to enjoy it on the way. I am certainly trying to!!

For the Love of Color

2011-07-11T04:44:00.000-07:00

A fresh coat of paint made it's way onto the dining room walls yesterday. What a color it is. In the green family, a very new family for me. You see, I have never been a green girl. My world of paint color has seemed to stick in the more vibrant worlds of yellows, reds and oranges. I will never forget the first time I painted my living room red at the old house on Oaklands. It was like taking a huge tube of lipstick and watching it seep across the white walls. What a blast. I knew in that instant that I was addicted to color and the more the better, like the Halloween orange in my livingroom here on High Street. I remember Emma and I looking at the samples and wanting to go for it, but being nervous it was too much. After the initial strokes, there was no turning back and I have loved it everyday since.

You know time is passing when you paint the first room in the house that you painted when you first moved in. The dining room was the first canvas I dared to touch because so many of the colors in the house were very muted, pastelly and while they are not something I would have picked, I loved them...and still do. And the reason I felt I could do this room because it was clearly the one room that the woman who lived here before us, was unable to get to. It was still clad in a heavy, dark, maroon wallpaper that was so out of step with the rest of the house that flowed from room to room so beautifully. Even half of the woodwork was only done, leaving the dark heavy mantel and china cabinet next to the white woodwork of the windows. In a sense I felt the need to do that room, to finish the work that Jackie was never able to.

You see, Jackie still lives here too. Jackie raised her five year old son in this house. Jackie died in this house. From cancer. She also made sure we lived here, but that is another story. This one is of color and the choice I made yesterday would be very high on her list of selections. In fact, I would even venture to say that she helped lead me to this color. Greens...tough for one who is not naturally drawn to them I again went through the process and put various samples up on the walls. What I thought I wanted did not seem to be out there. So I started a survey and asked everyone who went through to give their vote and EVERY person picked the same one. And so that was it! I went to the paint store, bought a gallon of Benjamin Moore's Croquet, knowing if it was horrible I could always paint over it.

Glorious I tell you. Simply glorious!! The room is transformed into an elegant space that I am so excited to decorate with all natural elements. I want to create several pieces myself to give it that David Bromsted feeling that stamps it as my own. (You must be a HGTV junkie to know what I am talking about here!! LOVE Color Splash!) And as I envision my pieces I only hope that my skills will be able to keep up with what I am seeing in my mind's eye. Either way the excitement at the thought of creating is enough to get me a bit giddy! I am an idea person. I love ideas and have gotten to the point where I realize the ideas are so much fun that if I don't get to follow through with them then that is okay...because that creative processing piece gives me pause and I just LOVE that part of it all. Follow through is where I am always lacking, but again...we are talking about color here!!

So, on top of all of this is the woodwork, which is where this whole project started. I have always wanted to paint over the woodwork, but have avoided it like the plague because it is SO much work! So my Mom volunteered to do that and well...this dining room project was born. And that is where this project still is. Much woodwork to be done, but that first impact of a whole new fresh coat of paint is just like nothing else! God I love change and this green thing might be something to stick with! In celebration of such a move I even bought myself a pair of green sloggers...gardening clogs! NEVER before would I have picked green. Colors are part of who we are and where we are at that given point in time. Gone is the bright happy yellow from those dining room walls and in with the serene, calming, oh so elegant touch of croquet. So I say hello green. And is there a theme? I am actually gardening and enjoying it for the first time, and doing the weekly Farmer's Market CSA with SO much green coming into the house once a week it is a scramble to figure out what to do with it all, but hey...green is in. It is fashionable...it is hip and apparently, so am I!! Go green!

Barely 8 o"clock

2011-07-09T05:07:00.000-07:00

It is barely 8 o'clock
and I have been to the beach
walked the dog
talked from the heart
listened with the soul
had precious time
with a dear old sole

Moving with the
fog...adding to
the community art project
of beach "trash"
Ushering in the day
with the waves on my heels
toes in the sand
ahhhh......breathe

It is barely 8 o'clock
I have sent off the
almost 100 riders of
the Granite State Quest
off to conquer the 100
miles that lie ahead of them

I have listened to the doc
in tight bicycle shorts
from Mass General
say that when he was born
most children died of cancer
I heard him say that today...
75 - 80 % of them are cured.
Tears start to form
Amazement and gratitude
seep through my being
as Emma's face flashes in my
head...I see Patricia
and time stands still
for just a moment.
She has been there for it
all. So much more
than a nurse practitioner.

It is barely 8 o'clock
I arrive back home
to sleeping teenagers
those damned birds still
trilling and tra la laing
in the day
what orchestra thrives
in those trees out back.

Feeling full.
Feeling hope.
More than despair
Ride on GSQers
Right on Dear old friend.
Looking forward to yet
another walk and talk
a "twalk" on the beach
with you

It is barely 8 o'clock
and my intention is to make
this sacred morning time
a part of my every day
for in the getting up
in the getting out
I cannot lie in my
own head
in my own bed
and worry the day away

Early morning time
there is no other time
quite like it.
A gentleness lies in
each minute as the day
begins to crack open
the sun yawns over the horizon
It is barely 8 o'clock
I am off to yoga
hello day...

A Bit More of Me...

2011-07-07T07:50:00.001-07:00

Today is the first day
in an infinitely
long line of days
I have woken up
and recognized a
bit
more of
me

Settling into a summer-kind-of
morning pace
coffee
computer
water the flowers
meditate
yoga and
now the day can begin

green paint
on the dining room walls
waiting to be chosen and
given life.

beds that need to be weeded
house that needs to be cleaned
not overwhelming
just a summer pace
knowing I will get to it when
I
get
to
it

or not.

the cacophony of
birds trifling in the day
makes me pause
slow down
wonder creeps back into my being
where have you been
dear sweet wonder?

less flat
less crying
keeping the demons at bay
for today

it is good
it is all good
glad to see you
again...me

it has been too long
I have missed you
even if you are just a
bit more of me.
I will take it.

Rest in Peace Mae and a CSA

2011-06-25T10:23:00.000-07:00

I am joining a CSA called Stout Oak Farm and the farmer herself is Kate Donald, although she will always be Katie Sullivan to me. We first met many many years ago at Greenfield Farm in New London, NH where I taught horseback riding lessons and she was one of my students. She was a sassy little thing who would not take anything from anyone be it human or animal. I liked Katie right off, her spirit, her determination and fire and all at such a young age. I can still see her in her tan britches, tall black boots and her pony tail bobbing from left to right, stomping off with great conviction in an effort to get whatever it was she wanted or needed.

Fast forward about 20 years and I walk into the Blue Moon for lunch one day and this gorgeous woman, still with that long gorgeous ponytail, behind the counter asks, "Are you Tomasen?"

"Yes....," I reply searching the recesses of my grey matter to try to pinpoint just if and how I know this person.

"I am Katie Sullivan, you used to teach me horseback riding lessons and I owned Mae."

Ding, ding, ding the pinball in my brain rolled around each cortex making connections left and right leaving a shining array of colorful recognitions and memories behind. I smiled. Katie!! Yes, Katie.

You see, Mae (aka: Greenfield Farm's Maple Sugar) was my horse at Greenfield Farm. A feisty registered morgan that Kathy and Larry "gave me" to break and ride and train as my own as part of the deal for working and essentially living on the farm. I saw Mae come into the world in the most beautiful luminescent sac of magic, saw her stand up within minutes and saw the look of spirit in her eyes as she stared into mine and wobbled around the stall. Mae had a mind of her own from that very first day. I was the first one on Mae's back, the first to lunge her, the first to stroke her, the first to feed her from my hand, the first to show her (which she hated by the way) the first to do everything with her. There was a bond between us like no other I have ever experienced.

So, when it was time for me to go off to college, leaving her seemed impossible. Kathy and Larry called up some old friends at Merri-Lee farm in Lee and had Mae transferred there so that I could ride her. I would borrow someone's car or jump on my bike clad in riding boots and britches and ride over to be with my horse. But, Mae was not happy there and the times that I could actually get to the barn became less and less. The places to ride were difficult terrain and Mae, it seemed, missed her family and her home at Greenfield Farm. She was clearly pissed off that my visits were so far and few between. She became obstinate, trying to throw me at every turn. The fire in her eyes now had a red anger to them as well. After one semester, she went back home and they decided to breed her.

I will never forget the night I got the phone call in the middle of the night that Mae was in labor. My barn buddy Jen and I jumped in her yellow tinged Maverick and drove all the way up Route 4 from UNH to see Gus arrive just as we did. Magic again I tell you. Sheer magic. Life. Amazing.

Not long after, or maybe even before that, Katie bought Mae as her very own. I remember feeling jealous at first. Not sure that anyone but ME should own Mae, but I also remembered that spirit and realized they were perfect for each other. Katie, a good 6 or 7 years younger than me, had the time to be with Mae and work with her and be with her when I could not.

So how do I get from Mae to a CSA? Kate is now leasing her own farm and has been at the Farmer's Market for several years, but THIS is the year I have been waiting for as she has also created a CSA and I am in! I am excited to support Kate in her lifelong dream and to be a part of healthy living, supporting a local and blessed farmer and to eat locally. You know the drill...ALL great stuff!!

A rainy Thursday, a slow farmer's market, I stop by and find Katie under her tent surrounded by her beautiful bounty. She tells me this is the year she is selling shares in her crops. We chat, exchange information and then a wash of sadness crosses her face. "Mae died." she tells me as tears filled her eyes. We reminisce about the life of leisure Mae retired to up on the mountain right above my sisters house. "She lived a long life" and we figured she was probably about 36 years old. Could that even be? Or was it 32? Whatever it was, she lived a long life, a beautiful life and she was loved. Kate speaks about her last owner who loved Mae as we did. We exchange a look of sadness, a knowing that we were lucky to have shared an incredible experience with an incredible animal. Loss...yes and at the same time a bit of celebration for the long happy life and the new connection Kate and I will now have. From Greenfield Farm to Stout Oak Farm. Rest in Peace Mae. You were loved deeply by two very eager young girls in britches and forgotten you will never be.
draft
9:13:00 AM

Honoring Sadness

2011-06-20T05:41:00.000-07:00

There is a sadness lurking around me
Seeking to creep in and overtake me
with his long heavy arms and dark eyes

It begins with a feeling of fatigue
one that makes you say "no" to
all that is happening around you.
No to yoga.
No to the daily dog walking
No to the beach
No to it all...
because you know that no matter
what is tried...it will linger.

A sadness so profound that I don't
know where to hide it, where to
put it, what to do with it and yet
I feel it in every limb of my body
every muscle that connects my bones
it is living and breathing off of me.

It is a sadness bathed in glory as
it signifies the changes in life
that must come.

Good changes, hard changes.
Changes.

I am so tired.
There is not enough sleep
to cure this exhaustion as
each day moves into the next.
Today, even the sunshine
wanes and loses the fight.

I try to discover a sense of beauty
peace and wellness....to eat right,
to exercise, to try to overcome what is
trying to overcome me, but today I am
losing. Today I give. I am too tired to fight.
I don't want to fight anymore.

And so I will be one with the sadness today
and allow it to live it's life through me
as it must do with the faith that this too
will pass and understanding it is all
part
of
the
process.

Honoring sadness
counter-intuitive
yet a necessary
process
of
accepting and living
with
loss...

This Son of Mine

2011-05-18T01:43:00.000-07:00

This son of mine...

It is 4 am I cannot sleep
thinking of this son of mine.
"He is so friendly" the other Mom's
tell me of my son out and around town.
"He speaks to me and it is from the heart."
I smile inside and out
so proud of this son of mine.

He is incredibly talented,
this son of mine and when he
puts his mind to something
there is no stopping him.
Researching the latest technology
in equipment, starting up his own business
he is resourceful, invested, inventive, artistic...
he amazes me, this son of mine.

"He is lazy" they tell me
of this son of mine.
and I cringe thinking they
do not know him.
"Academics are not his interest" they say.
Judging him without taking
any shared responsibility.
What they don't see is the brilliance
in this son of mine.
In fact, I am not sure they see him
at all.

It is a system, broken, that seems
to take down everyone in it's wake.
One who is this son of mine.
and as a mother my heart breaks
knowing that there is little I can do
to save this son of mine, part of
a sinking ship, untouchable, very far
out to sea

"We are losing him." they tell her
of this son of hers.
"I know and that is why I am here..."
"Have you considered private schools?"
they ask her.
Their only solution for yet another
brilliant son of hers.
She has five children she has been
in for meetings all year long
She asks me...
What else can she do
with this son of hers?

And so I too will go in for yet
another meeting around the big table
where they
will share more choice cliches about
this son of mine
and I will again defend this son
of mine for who he is.
An amazing mind that finds work
takes on challenges
creates projects
and is engaged in thinking
everywhere in the world, except within
the four walls of school
Comic tragedy
this son of mine

These sons of ours
will be successful
because they have figured things
out that took me years.
They do not buy into working solely for a grade
Without purpose they are not
motivated to do any more than what
is necessary to
get
by.
And get by they will
these sons of ours...

But still it keeps me up
at night, imagining a system
that would embrace these boys
and work with them to use their
minds
and be done with simply
biding their time
biding his time
a year at a time
a year at a time
a year at a time
a year at a time
this son of mine.

My Latest Poem...

2011-05-17T16:59:00.001-07:00

Silence, Stillness
The world’s eyes opening
Squinting
And stretching before my eyes

The sacred yawn of morning
Brings a solitude of newness
A feeling of hope, renewal, and life.

The woods, my magical forest
With twinkling eyes winking
Surrounding me as we
Usher in the day as one.

Just one of those days....

2010-07-01T15:45:00.001-07:00

Today was just one of those days...it started out rather bumpy, but once I got past that I just let it flow. My only plans were a series of orthodontist and dentist appointments for the kids and myself. A got a run in with Emma and the dog, showered and then was off to the next appointment. All done and scratched off the list by 3. What to do with the rest of the day? Three o'clock in the summer is so different than three in the winter. Had it been December or the dead of January I would have literally been counting the dark minutes so that I could get myself into my pajamas for the night. But 3 in the dead of summer allows you another entire day of daylight and living. What to do?

Bike to the Farmer's market of course. I put my basket on my wicked witch of the west bike and Emma and I headed to town. It was a glorious day with a sky the color of the most delicious blue with clouds sweeping in and out of it's brilliance. I love sitting upright on my bike and looking around and just taking in everything all around me. I know I look ridiculous, but I am just so damned content, like feeling as though I am 10 again. We sailed into town and took a sharp right to go down the rest of the way on the riverside. We live in such a gorgeous town and as I pedaled along the boardwalk I lamented that I did not do this everyday. How is it that something so unique can be so forgotten? How is it that I allow life to pass me by in a series of to do's, child pick-ups, and the general laundry of everyday life? Well...no more.

My motto this summer is to be on "Island Time" even though we are not going to Martha's Vineyard this year for the first time in years. It is an experience in the ultimate "staycation". I decorated my kitchen like a beach house with beach prints, photos I have taken from past trips to the Vineyard, shells and rocks and seaweed. I am getting to the beach as much as possible and today, I incorporated the biking piece that is such a large part of our time on the Vineyard. And you know what? It was awesome!! I biked with island eyes and tried to really look at the town I live in that I barely even see everyday as I drive through it. Emma and I picked out all the best produce and stopped at our local Serendipity here in town, one of our all time favorites so that Emma could end her quest for the perfect wallet!! I wandered in behind her and saw my friend Mary who makes jewelry and works at the store. She had brought in a fresh shipment of her own stuff. I commented on the gorgeous necklace she was wearing and went on my way to help Emma.

And then I turned and saw it. A necklace like the one Mary was wearing, but in MY colors. I walked over, grabbed it up and put it on. It was made for me. I did not need the necklace, I mean do you ever NEED a necklace? In general I am not even a regular necklace-wearer, and this one was unlike ANYTHING I had ever worn before. It was big and chunky and made out of what appeared to be stones. The center stone was as blue as the sky I admired as I was biking in. I HAD to have this necklace. It even perfectly matched the earrings I happened to have put on that morning. There was no doubt that I would own this beauty, but the price, the price forced me to put it back and walk away only to return to it and put it back on, never to be removed as I walked out of the store with the bargain of the century. I bartered with myself and remembered that if I was on the Vineyard I would have allowed myself this luxury! And so I knew it would be mine!! I was on staycation afterall!! Little did I know I would fall under the "family and friends" plan of my dear friend Mary. That and the fact that is WAS 20% off Ladies night!! Bargain! And so I sit here and think about how elegant I felt biking home with this gorgeous piece of art hanging around my neck. Sheer indulgence!! I was glowing in the day, my necklace and laughing at my basket stock full of local eggs the color of a rainbow, fresh local produce complete with the luscious green Kale sticking out the top.

I wish my life felt this way everyday. It does not. Just knowing it could makes it all seem simply wonderful. So I came home and created the most beautiful meal with all of my fabulous produce and I sit here, the perfect end to the second half of a perfect summer day sipping pinot grigio and writing it all down. It doesn't get any better that this...does it?

And yet it ends...as the 14 year old boys enter my house brimming with testosterone and brace myself for the sleep over and try not to worry that Emma is out there with my car at the movies and dinner with a friend!! And although I find myself feeling content at the moment...I am also reminded of long summer nights and yearn for that freedom once again. In the meantime...the wine tastes just fine!! Anyone wanna join me?

Just thinking.....

Birthdays and Deathdays...

2010-04-11T15:54:00.000-07:00

My weekend consisted of a friend's 50th surprise birthday party and my own birthday of turning 45. At these celebrations there was talk of deathdays. One of our most renowned educational professors at UNH died a month ago and the very young age of 58. One minute he was here and the next he was gone. To know Grant Cioffi was to love Grant. He was one of those very soft-spoken "gentlemen" who I was privileged to know as a student, as a teacher in his hometown of Barrington, as well as one of his son's, Rob's third grade teacher and later on as a colleague at UNH. Thinking back on my connection with Grant I realize he was one of the first people who I met that really challenged me to think professionally. I first met him again in the local elementary school where he had volunteered as a parent to be on a committee where we were looking at what was happening with our struggling readers. Having Grant join us in this notched it up several levels as we delved deeply into the minds and hearts of these readers who just had a hard time. I remember feeling energized by his challenging and thoughtful questions. I remember loving to think and work together to figure these kids out!!

At my friends party she told me that someone spoke at his service and talked about how Grant took her face one day and told her to "listen with your face." And that is exactly what Grant did! He listened with his face, responding and listening intently to every word, storing it away for the next time you met. And when you did see him, be it weeks or years later he would always remember how many children you had and where you were working and what you last talked about. He had a gift for listening...really listening...

And yet...as we spoke of him in the past, I felt a great remorse at not having been able to attend his service that was "beautiful" as accounted for by anyone I asked!! Hitting 45 was not a big deal for me because it simply stated that I had made it another year!! As my birthday approached I did meditate one day and had a vision of my own birth. Through the canal and then thrust into my mother's arms. Once there I envisioned looking up at my mother's face and seeing sadness, pure and utter remote and distant sadness. I am convinced my mother suffered from postpartum depression, but what a strange image to pop into my head. It kept me thinking and wondering and then wondering some more.

Emma and I spent a week in Hilton Head and everywhere we went, every store we went into we kept hearing the lyrics, "Live like you're dying..." and we laughed and wondered...are we? And what does that really mean? Are we living like we are dying? Capturing every moment and cherishing it the way we need to? I can honestly say that no, I do not. I do not in the way that I wish I did!!

And so on my birthday I decided that the day was going to be about doing just that. Loving and living in a way that embraced life not for it's grandiose gifts and gestures...but more for just what it is!! I woke up when I felt like it, and had coffee and sat in the sun sipping it. Breakfast was made for me..yummy eggs and toast and then there were no plans! And I was fine with that!! The day was a gorgeous one. The kind of day that makes you want to run to the mountains to hike or to the beach to walk and soak up all the sun! We talked about all of these ideas, but instead I decided to walk the dog and go for a run with Emma and Ruby. It was simply delightful!! We met some friends and chatted and savoured the fresh air and sunshine. Then we came back and I took a long shower without rushing!! It was certainly something that felt just right!!

Eventually we did leave the house and drove into the sunshine with no particular destination in mind!! We ended up at the beach and had a fabulous linner st Ron's Landing in Hampton with an incredible view of the ocean. We are so lucky to have this in our backyard!! A bit of champagne and good food and company and well...another birthday passes with great moments where I really and truly was in the moment. And of course it was a day where nobody was allowed to utter the word "no" to me!! That is sheer heaven. And the effort my kids put forth to make this happen was humorous, especially Zachary as he would be about to say no and then realize he had no choice! Oh the restrain!!!

And as I go into my 45th year here on this earth I am reminded, yet again, of how truly blessed I am with wonderful people in my life! Be they old friends or new, my kids, my family, my colleagues that they are what matter most. (And if you are not of Facebook then this is a great way to be reminded of those incredible people in your life!!) And as I reflect on life, on birth and on death I realize once again and I learn once again that it is in these tiny moments, like when Emma wrapped up a toy Jeep for me to open as her gift for me. (Yes, I have been on the path to wanting a third car, a bum around jeep that Em could take to school and I could drive along the beach!!) Yes, these small moments that so often get overridden with the minutiae of life. What amazes me is that no matter how many times I learn this lesson I know that I will forget it as quickly and so that is why we are reminded in life and in death that we are here for the living, as part of the living and so you better just get out there and "live like you're dying!" Beach anyone?

Just thinking....

Moving Furniture....

2010-04-09T11:32:00.000-07:00

I have been working on getting my surroundings into spring mode. There is nothing more enjoyable for me than to find a new arrangement of furniture in a room! I LOVE change and this is one of those quick fixes that I can do to make my life seem less the "same", less "routine". And so this spring I have decided to try an "interim" look that allows me to keep the nice rug in my kitchen longer than usual. As I switch out the dark furniture for the summer wicker from my bedroom I usually drag in the summer sisal from the dining room and make the exchange. This, my friends, is NO easy task!! Getting everything off of both rugs without running out of room is the greatest challenge and the truth is that this year the summer sisal is on it's last leg with doggie mud footprints forever brandishing it's corners. I take down the faux chocolate brown floor length curtains and expose myself to the world, letting in all of the light possible.

So, as I sit here on this rainy day in my "new" room relishing the change I am forced to wonder why I had never thought of this arrangement before!! And the thing is that once I change a room I want to be in that room more than any other!

You might think this is a hormonal thing, and while you can predict it according to the cycles of the moon...I am also convinced it is hereditary. Yes, you heard me correctly...hereditary!! I got it from my mother. I can remember times spent in my room on hot summer nights where we would move around the furniture and organize everything in my room. This one time I remember, I must have been about 10 and we moved my desk right in front of the open screen window. I LOVED this as the cool summer night wafted it's way into my stale room. I recall just sitting there and wishing that I had something worth writing about, because it was, the perfect writing spot!! I had nothing to write, but I did sit and doodle and pretend to write!! I remember a warmth that was peaceful as my Mom and I worked together within the space, a rare moment with a Mom that never once sat still throughout my entire childhood!

Whenever we rent a house with the larger family, the first thing we do is rearrange the furniture. My mother is the queen of this and has impeccable spacial prowess!! In fact, she can be downright tough if she walks in and observes my changes, puts on an awkward smile and says something like, "interesting...", meaning it is WRONG! I tell her to leave it alone and that it is my therapy and that she can do what she wants in her own house. But here is the thing. If she mentions one thing or another I start obsessing about it and continue to move things until I get it right. There is an art to this!! Everything has to be balanced in some way and well..in this room...conducive to conversation! I HATE it when she does that...but in the end I do end up liking my changes even more...

And the line does not stop there. Zachary was home from school sick last Friday and in an effort to keep him off of that damned Call of Duty video game we decided to rearrange his room. I, of course, was delighted!! We spent much of the day taking down the homemade loft that was built when we first moved in. He LOVES his new room and has barely left it all week. After a day of change his mood improved and all of those teenage woes disappeared...if even for a few hours. (He was home "sick" because of crap at school...another whole story!!)

And even Emma will come to me asking to change her room around because she too loves how the change feels!! When I do this with my kids I get such a good clean feeling inside and out!! And every time you change it you breathe new life into the space whether it has been that way in the past or not. And after the long NH winters, change and renewal is something we all need and long for!! And as I sit here and ponder this hereditary homage of movement and change I also contemplate in my new spring kitchen whether or not to start the fire, for although the forsythia are out, the damp, cold, raw rain has returned, but inside my kitchen it IS spring and it will remain spring...at least until summer arrives!!

Just thinking....

Easter Sunday 2010

2010-04-04T05:42:00.001-07:00

Each passing holiday and tradition brings with it a bittersweet sorrow as of late because as the mother of two teenagers the "good ole days" have gone by. Gone are the days of the Easter bunny coming and leaving trails and trails of jellybeans all over the floor and eggs hidden all over the house, some to be discovered a week later only by their persistent smell. Gone are the days of great surprises and that look of sheer childhood joy at the magic of seeing an Easter basket filled with goodies just for them as visions of this big bunny coming in and hopping all over your house. Emma told me a while back she was relieved the Easter bunny was never real because the thought of a life size bunny coming into her house was kinda creepy! And it is if you think about it!!

And although these days are replaced by different days, I find them to be harder days. It seems as though my life has become a series of decisions where no matter what I do there is ultimately someone who is unhappy! I have left the world of magic and possibilities and entered into one of constant negotiation and hormones and quite truthfully it has left me anything but playful! I LOVED all of the things you could do to get those reactions out of those little faces! I love the idea that life is full of wonder and surprise and play.

And as much as I try to maintain that level of playfulness the truth is that it does get the best of me and I find myself saying things that I don't mean to say and doing things that I don't want to do...all in the name of trying to figure out how to keep everyone safe and happy...okay...maybe not happy but at least not miserable!! And while I know that part of being a teenager is going through mood swings and misery the truth is that I just don't LIKE it!!

And so in an effort to keep things playful and full of possibilities I have created a treasure hunt this morning for the kids...who by the way, are STILL in bed!! Again...remember the days when they were jumping on your bed at 6 a.m. all hopped up on chocolate? (Allright...maybe I don't miss that as much!!) And although I have done this I can already "see" the potential for danger!! For at the end of the hunt will be something that will please one more than the other and although I know this I move forward hoping to see at least one smile on each face...if even only for a moment where I can be reminded of the children in them that once held wonder in their eyes...

And yet, tis the season of rebirth so perhaps embracing this next phase is what I need to do. Stop living in the past and embrace the present...yes this I can do...but of course I just needed to first grieve. It is all a part of the process.

Happy Easter Everyone!

Just Thinking....

Eating Alone...

2010-04-03T06:19:00.000-07:00

I was flying home yesterday from doing a writing workshop in Rochester, New York and had a couple of hours to kill in Philly. Philly is NOT my favorite airport as you always have to shuttle bus from one terminal to the other on a bus with drivers who have virtually no sense of safety as they whip around the runways dodging those little carts and drivers towing luggage to large airplanes backing out ready for take off.

One of my bus rides was so harrowing I considered if there were alternatives to getting to the other terminal on my return home. The woman packed the bus with more people than is humanly imaginable. She kept yelling at me to move away from the door and the steel post that I was planning on hanging onto...what she did NOT seem to realize what that there was NOWHERE to go!! As people jammed in next to me I found a loophold that I could grab above me...waaay above me, but it was better than nothing. The thing is when you are holding a loophole you get swept side to jerking side as this woman whipped around a tarmac that had no boundaries. At one point was supposed to stop at the corner of the terminal where there was clearly a STOP sign posted. She proceeded to ignore it and careen around the corner with great speed almost picking off a man on a tractor. They both laughed as we narrowly escaped grazing each other. Ahhh...I thought. THIS is their entertainment. Playing chicken on a blind corner with a busload of stupid people versus the luggage guys. C'mon. Would I ever get off this bus alive?

And of course I did...but I was sweating and all stiff from desperately trying to stay on my two feet!! And so I was thinking more about this bus ride than what I would do with a two hour layover when I found myself in the correct terminal with nowhere to go. You see I was so early that my gate was filled with people for another flight to Vegas and it was packed! I knew I wanted something to eat. I quickly spotted an restaurant with sit down and wait service and decided this was better than the alternative..to get something take out and eat it off my lap, spilling it all over me as I had done on the way there!!

I sat down at a table in the very back of the restaurant so that I could look out and observe and not be observed. I sat down and thought about the fact that I was here, alone and ordering wine and pad Thai. It made me think of the many times I have been out to eat and noticed those "poor souls" who were eating alone and how I would feel sorry for them. Pi-shaw...what a major lesson in projection that is!! I was here sitting alone and reveling in it!! I was nobody to feel sorry for! I was out the world travelling...which I LOVE and had just had a great day of incredible conversation with a brilliant colleague. No, I was not the sorry lady at the back of the restaurant, but the confident woman who had finally grown up!! Imagine that...about to turn 45 and more than comfortable taking up a table just for myself!!

It made me wonder just how many of those people I had "felt" for were feeling just fine with their solitary eating and that I was the one who would have been uncomfortable. We choose so often to put ourselves into the position of others...at least I do as a self-admitted people watching addict...but with that we bring ourselves and imagine how "we" would be feeling. Perhaps all of my observations over the years are simply projections of me and who I am and where I am and what I am experiencing at the time. And can you think of anything more egocentric than that? And so I wondered how others would respond to the idea of eating alone and the responses posted on facebook were all over the book from scary to peaceful to "out of my comfort zone" and it makes me wonder...just how different we all are and as much as we all want to think we are alike and part of this human experience we call life...that we really could be not more different!!

And THAT is why I love to travel! It takes me out of my life and puts me out into the world to consider others and their lives. I am fascinated by people and how they work and operate. As for me...I will look carefully the next time I see someone sitting alone at a table and wonder...what are they really thinking or feeling....

Just thinking...

Thanksgiving...that was forever ago...

2010-03-28T14:30:00.000-07:00

I can't believe that the last time I thought I had something interesting to say was Thanksgiving!! I am sure I have been involved in many interesting conversations in my head and yet none of them made their way onto this screen! Oh the shame. Oh the loss of those thoughts gone and abandoned forever!! What to do, what to do...

This whole world of blogging boggles me because it is as though you "think" you have an audience and yet you are still really only writing for yourself. If you actually want readers you have to solicit them and well...for me...that just feels plain weird sometimes!

And so I wonder...is there a way to make this blogging more meaningful to me so that it is something that I can and will actually keep up with? And an even better question is whether or not I even want to!!

My goal for this blog has been a holding place of the things I write about that I don't think I want to get rid of or there is just something I like about it!! That said, I have followed other people's blogs, but mostly as a way to stay in touch with them without really even being in touch. My sister and my niece come to mind. They are part of my morning ritual when I sit at the almighty glowing screen each morning with my cup of coffee. I check my e-mail, my nings, the day's weather, the local paper and The New York Times and then these two blogs. Just all a part of the plan. And yes, of course, as of late Facebook has also made its way into the mix!! The problem is that the more things I find on line the more coffee I find that I need!! Perhaps I it is time to streamline my morning ritual and find a way to get the information I want and need without taking a good two cups of coffee to do it. And yet, it is a very nice waking up thing for me!! What used to be the paper is now just a conglomeration of wonderful and not so wonderful things to read!! Of course then there is this new site I have found called Stumble Upon that one of of my students told me about. Can you say addictive time sucker? C'mon I know you can!!

But I limit my time on stumble!! The thing is that I always seem to find something there that I just have to send to someone else and for me that still takes time!! And so as I try to figure out my place in this techno saavy world I realize it is all around me all of the time and I am as hooked up as anyone else!! And in some ways I like that.

But of course then there are the times when my morning ritual leaves me flat and wanting more. This is especially true if my sister and my niece have not blogged, none of my students have ninged and well...there is virtually nothing interesting on Facebook. That is when I look for more, more, more and with that thought perhaps I will just post this and then I will be able to say that I had something to today and not last Thanksgiving!! Sheesh!!

Just Thinking....

Thanksgiving Poem...

2009-11-28T05:54:00.001-08:00

A THANKSGIVING BLESSING

May we be aware not of the things we lack,
but of all that we have.

May we feel not the absence of those we love,

but the presence of those who love us.

May we see not just the harshness of our world,

but the gentleness of its mystery.

May we know not the cold of despair,
but the warmth of hope rising.

May we speak not of our hurts and losses,

but of our healings and blessings.

May we be with each other not in the shadows of the past,

but in the light of the present.

May we bring to our table not judgment, resentment, or anger,

but acceptance, compassion, and forgiveness.

May we remember to feed our spirit by living out of thankfulness.

Anonymous

Nightmares Becomes Reality

2009-09-26T05:27:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had those dreams where you forget to show up for class for a big test because you overslept? Or shown up naked and not realized it until everyone was staring at you? That happened to Emma this morning. This year she has taken it upon herself to set her alarm and get up on her own. The past two years she has diligently left a post it on the outside of her door indicating the time she would like to be woken. New year, no post its.

And so this morning, a Saturday morning, I was sleeping in when it occurred to me that I had not heard the rumblings of anyone getting ready for school. I rolled over and realized it was close to 8, but that certainly Em was up and gone. My heart sank when I saw her door closed. I walked over, opened it hoping to see and empty bed, but instead I saw my sleeping beauty. I walked in waked her and her face went white when she realized that not only had she not gotten there early for extra time on her test, but that she was not there at all...and it was AFTER 8...the official start time of her test.

I told her to get ready and I went and made her a quick piece of toast and we got her there as quick as possible. I sent her with a note and not soon after she called me in tears. She was so freaked out about the entire thing. She told me through broken sobs that he was going to let her take it later today when she has a free period. I knew he would, but for a child who never does anything wrong, this was devastating to her. And yet, as I listened to her sob and tell me the story from the other end of the line I realized this was probably a painful, but good lesson for her. Nobody is perfect and that mistakes can be dealt with. She has never even been late to class, never mind being late for a test.

And as I write this I realize just how lucky I really am. At one a.m. this morning I was awakened by the sounds of a bunch of kids outside my window. I knew one of the voices and could not imagine what this 13 year old was doing out on High Street at one in the morning!! I panicked for a minute as I got out of bed and realized his mother was pulling up next to the group. I heard rumblings of the word police and then a male voice telling the kids to get home. My heart went out to that mother. She is in trouble with a capital T. And that is what comes of never setting boundaries for your kid. He runs the show and now the games have changed. I have to call her this morning. I know he is hanging with kids who are trying things, even though Zach assures me that they have "quit" smoking pot...everyone knows they have. I am mortified that they had something to actually "quit" as 8th graders, but I also know when I was growing up that there were kids trying it then. Times have not changed that much, but now I am the mother and it is different in SO many ways!! This is one of my worst nightmares...not knowing where my kid is at one in the morning.

Another mother in the neighborhood called me earlier in the evening to tell me that her son, who is a freshman, had invited a girl over who was "white trash" and that they were alone in their rec room and what should she do? I said she should be happy that her son was breaking out of his shell...but again...how do we let go and not want to make everything right and at the same time allow them to make mistakes that they can and will learn from?

Just thinking....gotta call my neighbor!

Life is Easy....

2009-06-11T05:20:00.000-07:00

June 11, 2009 Poetry Project

“Life is hard.”
Is what I have always been taught
And with that lesson comes the awareness that
I must struggle.
That everyone struggles
In the light of the sun and the moon
There are moments of ease, but for the most part
It is about enduring the pain, the suffering and sacrifice.

“It is supposed to be easy” I am told today.
Life…easy? Must be an oxymoron she replies.
Just must be.
Life is not easy…it used to be easier, but with each passing
Moment she wonders…is she making it hard for herself?
Yes, she replies as her mother did and her mother did before that.
Is this what she wants for her daughter? Sacrifice? Suffering? Pain?
No…it is not. And so it is today she tells herself
Today that she shall begin the journey with a new thought
That it is easy. If we give in and accept life, she sees,
That life can be there to be easy, to be enjoyed and not simply endured.
Yes, she said, I like that.
Me too herself replied.

Practice,practice, practice....makes...

2009-05-31T05:39:00.001-07:00

I find myself searching for times to take extra trips to the grocery store, to the park or just anywhere because Emma needs to get in 40 hours, yes, that is what I said, 40 hours of driving under her belt before she can even think about going for her license. Now let's think about that...really. That means that essentially she has to drive about 2000 miles...in the next 5 weeks. And that would be at a good clip of a good 65 mph. This new requirement, just doubled from the 20 hours that many of her friends had a hard time getting in. How would we find 40 extra hours in lives?

Emma has been driving since she turned 15 and a half in January, but with icy conditions, snowstorms and a very busy schedule, her daily drive to school and back was not exactly packing in the hours. 5 to 7 minutes to school and the same coming home. Can I count more time if we find a traffic jam and just sit in it? For each time she drives she has to enter not only the time, but also any "special" skills she worked on at the time. We are getting good at it, lane changes, night driving, parking, merging and well...the list goes on.

What this does force us to do is to be very aware of all of the things a driver does do. And although I am not opposed to this idea of practice, in fact I am very much in favor of it as I have seen Emma become so much more confident behind the wheel each time we get into the car. I can appreciate the state's devotion to practice as the one thing that will make her and any kid a better driver. Thank goodness because they are all going to be on the road with us!

And like anything, I see young drivers behind the wheel all of the time now. It is like when you are pregnant, every thing you see, hear and touch is baby, baby, baby. It even seems as though the commercials on TV change to be sure to include your current situation. But the reality is that that is where my brain is and so I am keenly aware as I sit on my front porch and see the Kenney's van go by, go to wave and then realize that behind the wheel I see long dark hair flowing in the wind as Eliza, one of Em's best friend go flying by. And it stops me for a moment. Soon there will be all of those kids that were just in kindergarten behind the wheel driving, driving driving.

The first day Emma started Driver's Ed, I dropped her off feeling anxious and very nervous. She was sure she would not know anyone and as the crowd assembled outside the driver's ed classroom I flashed back to this same group of kids standing on the playground at Main Street School waiting to be assigned to the right lines as they began their first days at kindergarten. Seeing time pass you by in the form of another human being is quite astounding.

When I look at Emma I see her there...but at other times I see her at 3. Pudgy little hands, a head of wild curly red hair and a mouth that never stopped talking. I can even feel her hand in mine as she would skip beside me on our way into the grocery store. Those same hands, now bigger than mine, are on the steering wheel. The wheel where she needs to spend 40 hours in the next 5 weeks!

And so I go off here...but my point was supposed to be that I am amazed that when it comes to something we do physically, the idea of practice, practice and more practice is the standard practice, but when it comes to intellectual development in our public schools it is all about...not time to practice, we have got to move on to the next thing.

What if that were the case with driver's ed? Sorry kids...no time for you to be behind the wheel because the amount of things we have to cover had doubled, tripled even and so we need to move quickly as you sit in your seats and I throw all of this information at you, but sorry, no time to practice.

What would we have on our hands but a pool of grossly inadequate, inexperienced drivers on our roads...but that doesn't happen because we all know and can see the difference in time spent. Will they still be inexperienced? Hell yea, but much less so than if they had to do this without the practice.

Emma has yet to get on the highway. I remember what that was like for me and I lived up in the sticks off of 89 where there were no other cars on the highway. Here, to get onto 101 or 95 is absolutely going to be a harrowing experience and one that we need to try to do soon, but not until she is ready.

I asked her yesterday on our trip to Staples if she wanted to try getting on 101 and going one exit on the highway to which she responded, sure...but how do I do that? As I started to tell her I could see her knuckles tighten on the steering wheel and her nerves increase. I stopped and asked, for fear of my own life and hers, if maybe she wanted to do it another time. She replied immediately, "yes". She was just not ready. And I can appreciate that and wait. Wait for her to find the confidence she needs to feel she can do it and not be a nervous wreck! And me too!
And I haven't even talked about what it is like to be in the passengers seat, but that is a whole other blog!!

And so I leave you with one thought...when is the last time your child was given the opportunity to read as homework. Just read, or write for practice? When was the last time that something was done in the name of practice and not just for a grade. Practice allows us the time we need to get ready for the "big show". It allows for mistakes, mishaps and risk-taking. If everything out kids do is a final end game, then where is the time for the practice? We have lost our way in education more than I can even think about. We have lost our way and sometimes I am not sure we are going to find our way back, but in the end we need to remember and not ever forget that the best measure of making progress is time spent doing something over and over, in different ways, over and over and over. And although I have no idea HOW we are going to find 40 hours of driving time, I do feel good to know that every young child will have that under their belt before driving off into the horizon! Taking into account, that is, that people are cheating on their recording of the hours. And I am sure THAT would never happen! ha ha ha

There was a good ending to this somewhere in my head, but as it turned out to ramble a bit I will just end it here...
Just thinking.....

I Believe...Writing at the Retreat...

2009-05-27T04:55:00.000-07:00

Love, Laughter and Leukemia

I believe in the power of change. I believe in going with the flow and embracing flexibility, fear, not knowing and inspiration through the process of change. I believe we cannot wait to do what is best because all we may have is today. I believe in passion and inspiration and impulsivity. I believe in intuition and improvisation as we work each moment to make it matter. I believe we have one life and one life only. This is not a dress rehearsal and so we must strive for every moment to count. I believe in joy, laughter and fun. I believe we can have all of these things as we embrace the process of life that is forever changing whether we like it or not. I believe there is so much in life that we cannot control that we should strive to make the very best of the things that we can! I believe that life is hard, but stories and laughter and connections with others make it worthwhile. And even though I believe all of these things and more, I still have to make an effort to do all of these things myself whether it is in each day, each hour or each moment. I believe we are here not to forget, but to work to always remember how lucky we really are. And that, my dear friends, is not always easy.

January 20, 1997, Emma was diagnosed with leukemia at the tender age of 3 and a half. This was the day I was redefined in ways I would never be able to comprehend. That day I left my class of 5th graders and never returned to the classroom as a full-time teacher. That day I was no longer a “normal” mom attending story hour. Playgrounds and swings were replaced with hospital hallways and medical procedures. Play dates and monkey bars were replaced with visiting hours and IV poles. That day leukemia moved into our lives and refused to leave. It set its big ass right down on the couch, cracked open a beer and settled in for the long haul. You could feel his presence when you walked in the door. He was there and whatever I tried to do I could not get him to leave fast enough. It was out of my control. There were days I never showered, days I thought I could not bear the suffering of my curly red-haired, pudgy handed baby and the absence of my 8 month old Zachary. But I did. I just did.

And after four and half years of living in fear, the unthinkable happened Yes the unthinkable does happen. Emma was 6 months to being declared “cured” when she relapsed. Yes six lousy months away from freedom and we found ourselves again put in the shackles of a diseased life. It was unbearable. Any ground we had made was gone, forgotten, as new protocols, names of chemotherapies, and the new idea of radiation to her head and spine were thrown at me I could not dodge them as I lodged myself into a corner in of a dark room at Mass General hospital and I just cried, rocking myself back and forth, back and forth knowing that I could not, would not be able to do this again. This and more. I could not do it. I knew it. But I did. I had no choice.

And for every platitude that was thrown at me in the name of comfort I can only reply. God DOES give people more than they can handle…trust me…this was too much. I am NOT a better person for having experienced this. I liked myself just fine thank you before this all happened. I am just a different person. We all have shit. It just comes in different forms. What we don’t have is control. It is not in our power. And as much as we want and yearn to think we have control the truth is that we just don’t. What we do have is the power to embrace each moment for what it is. In the same way we must treasure each individual not for who they are and not who we want them to be. We must have our eyes open at all times so that we don’t miss the beauty that resides within the shit.

I can still see my beautiful bald baby sitting in the oversized hospital bed wearing her blue and white silk panda bear pajamas smiling over at me and telling me our new favorite show was on. I would laugh and settle in next to her as we watched those chosen ones run through the aisles of a mock grocery store and try to find items faster than their opponents. The show was as ridiculous as our lives had become, but being with her in that moment was a reality I was comfortable with. I had to accept that I myself could not control the cancer, but I could try to have some control of making it a better journey, to roll with her emotions, to laugh together, cry together, play cards for hours on end, do crafts, read and anything else you can imagine doing. And eventually…very eventually we settled onto the couch and pushed leukemia over and made room for ourselves on that couch too. It was not easy. But we did it.

And so this story that has been written. This story that defined me for so long, for so many years, it not my story any longer… It is a part of my history. It has been written. It is done. And so we move forward to the next story that is unwritten and the one after that knowing that we are all going to die. It is just a fact and looking death square in the blue eyes of my Emma I know this to be true. So we might as well laugh, create new stories, cry, go with the flow, take risks, be free, love, live and try to accept what life has to offer…if even for just a moment.

Heinemann Retreat Rocked!!

2009-05-23T05:57:00.000-07:00

I love good conversation. There is just no way around it. I love the feeling of being in a think tank where everyone in the room is attempting to think outside of the box. Their thinking pushes my thinking to places it would not normally go. It is like being on the tennis court with someone who is better than me. It ups my game. It allows me to smash that ball with great ease and accuracy...hitting the sweet spot that keeps me wanting to play more and more. And I don't even play that much, but I do know that feeling of getting the ball to do something extraordinary.

So, when I spent the past two days with people from all over the country who do what I do, I found myself invigorated, inspired and moved beyond words. In a job where I am always the one in the place of leading, always the one in charge of inspiration and encouragement, it was SO refreshing to be with others who work to do the same thing. The difference was that instead of feeling drained like I often do after my group meetings as of late, I was completely energized. I fed off their thinking, their energy and willingness to take risks. Yes, it is the risk taking that was contagious in this group. I believe this is why they all are where they are. It is that willingness to just jump and try things without knowing just what might happen one way or another. It is a quality I admire. It is the way I strive to live my life.

We are all as different as they come, but what we had in common was a sense of spirit that we want and need to do what is right for kids. We have a bigger picture in mind of what it could and would be like in education if we all had the common goal of working towards upping the games of each of our children and not just upping the test scores. We get it and will spend, I suspect, the rest of our lives working with others to help them see, to inspire them to take risks, to work for the betterment of our educational system until we just can't do it anymore.

I feel so lucky to have stumbled upon this group, but then again, I am certain it is not luck. We are all just where we were meant to be. We share a common theme, a common vision that does not even need to be defined because we just know. We know that although our work often feels as though it falls flat, that what we are doing is SO important that we cannot and will not ever stop.

And so I can end this academic year with a great shot in the arm, thankful for the leadership of Vicki and Ellin and the rest of the Heinemann gang who not only "see" the future for what it can be, but also have the great intuition to know the power of a group of people who want to work together. This is what change, real change is all about and I am honored to be a part of the process.

Drive and Live!!

2009-05-09T04:45:00.000-07:00

Phew! I just finished reading my last post and can you say glooooooomy? Any of you who are New Englanders tried and true understand that late winter, early spring state of mind. It is as though we are suspended between seasons and just when you get a small taste of sunshine and springtime the cold temperatures return and sweep through your body like the dampness of death, chilling your bones to the core. There is no getting warm from this kind of damp cold. There just isn't. Your body has made the transition to warm and that is all it longs for. Anything else just will NOT do! There is not going back!
And so I have not written because of that state of mind where I have not felt terribly inspired and when I have I have tried to pour it into some of my other writing projects.
But then you have days like yesterday. The sun was shining, everything was lush and green from all the rain, every bud was bursting to make it's way into the world and I woke with a sense of energy I have not felt in quite sometime. I knew I had to do something, but all of the things I "should" do just were not cutting it! I did not want to work! NO kind of work, be it home or school at all! I wanted to have FUN!
And so I suggested to my sister via facebook im'ing that she come down. Within moments she was off the computer and on the road in her jeep to come and take me rooftop down to the beach! Fun! Yes, sheer fun was what I was in search of after finishing one of my classes on Thursday, Friday HAD to be about fun! And it was. We walked and talked and drove and ate out under the sunshine on the water! It was THE perfect day! And I am so thankful that spontaneous is her second middle name...after the middle name of fun of course!!!!
Ahhh....

Talk and Die

2009-03-27T05:55:00.000-07:00

Not even sure what I am going to write about today...I only know that there is something inside of me yearning to get out! Perhaps it is about the fact that that woman..can't ever remember her name, died on the bunny slopes from something called talk and die syndrome.. Reminding me that life is fleeting and that just two weeks before that I fell on my head skiing. I fell on my head, but I was wearing a helmet for the first time in my life. Was this my warning?

Perhaps it is about the fact that someone from one of my classes told me the other day that I remind them of that new judge on idol, Cara who could talk her way out of a hole and that that woman drives me so crazy that I fast forward her constantly...could I really be THAT annoying? Phu-leese...If I am anything like her in my classes then somebody needs to shut me up!!

Or maybe it is just about the fact that everyone I know around me is trying desperately to figure out life. There are so many of us, among the trenches who are fighting and working and struggling to keep marriages alive, others who have given up and are just there in the background and others who have found the strength to leave the fight and live on their own...no matter what the case, there does not seem to be anyone out there who is revelling and thriving in their relationships and for me this is...sad.

And for those who have left the battle, they find themselves faced with yet, another battle, the one that may even be more near and dear to my heart and that is the battle of the role of parent. I am the first to admit that if I had a life to live that was just my life I would be making some very different choices...but the bottom line is that I really don't feel as though this life is mine and only mine. That singular life of mine was altered forever the day I had my first baby.But no matter where you go, the same language is used...isn't it better to live a happy life than one that is sub par? Aren't you modelling this behavior of staying in an unhappy relationship to your children? Happy parents make happy children and while this all makes perfect sense cognitively...it does not make up for the total loss of family that a child loses in the process.

I saw this show on Oprah, yes Oprah the other day. This Mom was happily married and she even said, "in love" with her husband, but there was something inside of her that was just not right. To make a long story short...she is a lesbian and she never knew it. Today she seems to shine with happiness from within and is committed to yes, another woman. And although her daughters seem cool with all of this and had even teased their Mom about being gay before she even knew it, the pain on the mother's face when she saw her daughters talk about losing their family was evident. It is an either or situation. Both of her daughters were overweight and appeared to be happy on the outside, but still mourned that terrible loss and could not even talk about it without tearing up.

Can any of us do this to our children? And yet, people do it all the time. My kids have friends whose parents are both divorced and together and they all seem very well adjusted...there is always another way to look at all of this.And is it more than that? As I watch the stories unfold around me I can only wonder how each will write it's own ending and in the end...will it really matter? We are all ultimately searching for something that we can no longer fill with busyness and young children. We can no longer hide among the hidden for we have exposed ourselves and there is no going back.

Or is there? Is there any way to "go back". No, I can tell you from first hand experience that there is NO going back. There is only forward and with that forward we must bring our past with us...like it or not it is now a part of who we are.

And so people will go out and have affairs, people will stay in and only dream of another life and others will live with the uncertainty of what their spouses are "really" up to and allow their distrust to rule their lives. But living with distrust must be better than living alone...right?

And then I wonder about our physical location. Here in New England we are so much more rigid...less fluid to consider and less open to discuss things honestly and openly. I felt myself closing up slowly as I made the flight from Sedona to here. Back here to real life where we have to struggle each day to get out of bed to face yet another grey day here in paradise. Struggle to maintain the perfect image of family...and yet how many of us are doing just that...pretending?? And then there are the days where one gets through and feels a bit, if even a tiny bit content that their parenting went well or that they were there when their kids needed us and everything seems to come clearly into focus. This is where I am meant to be and there is no question...until the next moment when that question and so many others enter your consciousness and nags at you...life is short and one never knows just when it may be your turn to talk and die.

Laughter, Biking and Feeling Like a Kid Again...

2009-02-07T16:36:00.000-08:00

There is really nothing better than reverting back to who you used to be in the midst of discovering still who you are and who you will one day be. As we ventured out to rent bikes to bike the island of Sanibel, we had no idea just what that would mean. Sure we had seen the large bikes with the big seats and baskets, but we were psyched to get out there and follow all of the bike paths wherever they might lead. And so we got our bikes as the friendly men helped us to adjust our seats and supplied us with ample drinking water for our adventure. As we each climbed onto our bikes and made our way out to the road it was not long before I realized that there were no hand brakes or gears anywhere to be found. As I struggled to remember back to my 5 year old mind for a frame of reference for how to stop my bike I put my feet down on the ground, scraped my flip flops and just laughed. How in the heck was I supposed to stop this thing? Not only was stopping a problem, but starting out was even harder. As the traffic stopped for us to cross, I tried to kick my pedals back into a position where I could get a good lift and sail off into the horizon. Wrong! The pedals would not go back and forward only propelled me forward. I tried standing and pushing harder, but there was no moving those damned pedals!! And so I was that little kid, straddling my bike across the street as quickly as I could hoping that I would be able to get on soon.
We biked and we chatted and we were all just so relaxed. Until we entered alligator territory. Deanne, who has spoken of nothing but spiders and snakes and alligators was forced into the lead. Earlier I had said that whoever spotted the first alligator that I would buy them a drink! And as she told us tales of big black snakes hanging from trees as we biked through low lying brush she screeched...there's one. And there he was. I mean he was firggin huge! The only saving grace was that he was sunning on the other side of the river! Phew! We got photos and honestly, I was ready to be moving on!!
We lunched and shared a few drinks, had grouper sandwiches and then got back on our little girl bikes! We poked in some shops and went into a gallery. There was something that drew me into this gallery. It was as though I had no choice...I was not drawn to anything in particular, but I just had to go in and inside were mostly horses. Horse sculptures, horse paintings and they were gorgeous. As I was walking this one wall with Tracy, I knew these were just nothing I was interested in so I turned and looked all the way across the gallery and made a b-line for this one sculpture of a horse. I walked over to it and just knew that I HAD to have it. No, it was more than that...it was already mine. And then I looked at the name of the horse...Ancient Energy. Attached to his leg was a story of the materials used and why this particular horse stored ancient energy. As I stood there looking at it I could feel the energy inside me swell. This horse was mine. There was no question in my mind. It did not matter what it cost or how I would get it home with me...he had called me and I was there to answer.
As I turned and looked at Tracy, Joyce and Deanne I told them that I had to have this horse. "I think this is something big here Tomasen." And then the curator told us how she believed that the horses picked the people. I stood there with this incredible sense of well being and good energy surging through me. She asked to take our picture with the horse and told us how she blogged about these horses and the people that they picked. I had been chosen. There was no doubt in my mind. And so we left, because we were on bikes, knowing we would return. I had claimed my horse in the name of a little red heart sticker. As I looked around I noticed that most of them had been claimed. The only two left were Ancient Energy and another one that Tracy was drawn to and was reading about...Dreams and Knowledge.
As we left I felt the energy swelling inside of me. In my last blog I wrote about this new spiritual journey and this horse, that looks like something you might buy in Sedona, where I am going in March, was waiting for me here on this little island of Sanibel and will be a force that will embrace my little girl, the person I am today and help to align the force that dwells within.
We arrived back at the resort to have a drink by the pool and ended the day walking the beach at sunset. Life is good. It is. And will continue to be.
Just thinking...

Spiritual Journey Continues....

2009-02-02T04:29:00.000-08:00

Each and every January I find myself embarking on a new spiritual journey. Whether it is the Gratitude Journal of 10 years ago, or A New Earth by Tolle last year that I read side by side with my sister...it is so. I do this without even thinking about doing it. This January I did not seem to have anything right on hand and had not heard of anything that was speaking to me. I pulled my old Christina Northrup off the shelves and started to read through some of that, realizing that I have this energy block that has moved through my body. A block that I have been dealing with for years. It started in my lower back, moved to my heart chakra and is now lodged heavily in my neck and head. There are very few days that go by that I don't have some kind of headache going on.
In her book she begs the question..."What is this headache here to teach me?" And as smart and intuitive as I am, it seems that I am a slow learner in a couple of areas. Slow in that I must find myself beating myself over the head over and over and over...BAD Dobbie, BAD Dobbie. (Harry Potter reference). Anway...so in my reading I find myself on line seeking the work of someone that I can't even remember the name of right now. This lead me to the Omega institute. I remember finding this place on line before...but this time I was thinking I might actually go! And do some energy work.
A week later, I find myself on line and looking through Amazon for books that I want to buy to take with me on vacation and where do I end up, but reading about a book, called Breaking Open that is MY life. The first pages are me! And of course I am completely absorbed when bam! There are no more pages available. So I order it. In the meantime I decide to research the author who I think I saw on Oprah one day. And lo and behold...she is the founder of the Omega Institute. Now I REALLY have to go!! And I also have to rediscover the person I was looking up to begin with!!
I am also going to Sedona and am looking forward to checking out some of the energy vortex's. I am also interested in having a reading done. I am sure that I have had a past life as a slave and I think my blockage has to do with this. Whatever path lies ahead...I have this great sense that great things are going to break open for me this year in a way they never have before....
Just thinking......

Crockpot or no crockpot? That is the question.

2009-01-28T08:39:00.000-08:00

Do you have a crockpot or do you not have a crockpot? That is the question. You see, it is January and with this cold month comes my friend Peg's annual lentil soup party. Lentil soup party you might ask...yes...all soup and all lentil! It is a fun gathering filled with prizes for those who get the bay leaf in their bowl and lots of music singing and well...it is just the cure for these dull January days. So, I am always prepared for the summoning of my crock pots from Peg. She sent out a group e-mail this year and I found it rather fascinating that there were those of us with crockpots and those of us without...and it got me wondering....just what kind of people DO have crockpots? I have not only one, but TWO crockpots. For me, getting a crockpot at my wedding shower was just a given. It was given to me by one of my many teacher friends and any of you who are in education realize and understand that having a crockpot is like having chalk for your chalkboard. You just do! There is no question!

I remember one day being at a school and it was "soup" day. Every teacher brought in his or her favorite soup in a...yes you guessed it...crockpot! The halls were lined with more soups than you could ever imagine. Choosing one to try only meant that you were afraid you would miss another! I left that day with more soup recipes than I will ever be able to make in a lifetime!!
Floating around the teachers rooms were crockpot recipies for the taking. As working mothers, there was nothing better than when you had actually planned ahead, fed your crockpot before you left that morning allowing you to walk in the door, the have the smells of the evening's delight wafting up your nose! Ummm...this was especially satisfying on a cold nasty day...kind of like today.

And yet, I wonder...has the art of the slow cooker gone out of style? Again, when Peg asked for the crock pots, two of my friends who are fabulous in the kitchen did not and have not ever owned a crockpot!! I own not only one, but two!! What does this say about us? Are gourmet cooks above the crockpot because slow cooking is not the best way of cooking or were they just never given one? Or have they never found the need for one? Do they know the joy of a crockpot and all that they have been missing over the years? Is there some line drawn around those who own and those who don't? And so I ask you...do you own a crockpot? And even more so...what do you think it says about you?

Even more importantly...am I crackpot for writing and wondering about crockpots? Who knows! I think I will dig out that Chicken Santa Fe recipe and throw it in the crockpot for dinner tonight! Yummy! Now that sounds good!

Just thinking....

President Obama...I like the sound of that!!!!

2009-01-23T06:15:00.000-08:00

I keep thinking to myself that I HAVE to write about this past week. This past week where history was made and there was nothing to dampen my enthusiasm and great sense of hope. This past week where we came together as a nation, not in a time of crisis like 9/11 but in a time of celebration of change and hope. This past week where I sat and watched the inauguration at the Sunapee Bar in front of the big TV, had a beer and settled in...knowing this was a moment in life that I would never ever forget where I was, who I was with and the mood that was in this typically very loud bar!! This past week where everywhere I went and everything I watched had more meaning because we are in a current of change and that change is in the air and it is something I am riding along with the rest of the nation. This past week where I found myself in tears at the drop of a hat. Emotions running clearly, purely and freely. It IS all right to cry! This past week when I ripped off the cover of the Newsweek magazine and hung the picture titled, Obama's America on my magnet board because his America is OUR America. This past week where I have been trying to figure out what my part in all of this is going to be!!

And then in the midst of this, one of the teachers I work with told a story about one of her students whose mother is prejudice and not happy with Obama in office. Her history in the school includes one day where she saw someone wearing and Obama t-shirt and wanted to know if that woman worked in the school or not and if she did then she should NOT be wearing that t-shirt. (It was, a mother, volunteering!!) Anyway, it was inauguration day and this student seemed to walk into class very nervously. As the morning wore on the teacher noticed he was constantly fidgeting in his desk. Finally, she went over and what she discovered was a tiny tape recorder disguised in a little black container. The mother asked the child to record the teacher for the day so that she could find out what the teacher was going to do and say about Obama as our next President. Can you say Obamagate?? Phu-leese!!

I put this in because although I am riding the high of all of this...I am also keenly aware of those nay-sayers out there who are determined to put this man in a bad light. But here is the thing...I truly believe there are so many MORE of us who are behind Obama that the voices of these people will sail off into the horizon. This is a time where that collective psychology is going to work in our favor....
Can't you just feel it?

The Show MUST go on...

2008-12-26T06:01:00.001-08:00

Ahhh... the day after Christmas gives me the respite I have been sorely lacking for so long. And with that I think to myself what a wonderful life it is in so many ways!
It is our third annual girls trip to NYC that I am referring to here. There seems to be something a travelling and bad weather theme for me as of late. Mom, Emma and I left here at 8 am to meet Lisa and Maddie in Windham. I knew there were threats of a Nor'easter in the making, but I had heard it was going to start later...later than 8 that was! For as soon as we left Exeter, the flakes started falling. I had talked to my sister, the flawless driver to see if we should make a different plan. I had even looked up the train schedule only to discover it would cost a mere one thousand dollars for the 5 of us to take it into the city and back. But Lisa was firm about going. I mean what else would we do? We had tickets for the 7pm show and the show was going to go on whether we were there or not.

So we drove and we drove and we drove and we drove. And as we drove the weather got nastier and nastier moving from snow to sludge to grease to ice to sheer insanity on the roads. At one point in Connecticut, there were cars off the road every 50 feet or so. The roads looked as though they had been oiled down with the thickest kind of grease. Lisa maintained her 10 and 2 position on the road, keeping her face with an appearance of utter calm as the rest of us tried to support her by occupying ourselves with everything but what was happening on the roads!!

Honestly, I cannot believe the woman's determination! I would have had several panic attacks had I been the one behind the wheel! The amazing part was that we were not alone out there on the roads. There was traffic and at times...lots of it! Now I am sure they were not in for the long haul of a five hour drive but still~
So we made it to our second cousin's house in just about 5 and a half hours...a good hour and a half more than it should have. Really not that bad if you consider the driving conditions!

At one point, this enormous tractor trailer skimmed by us...just inches away from our vehicle. The front of him spat up some brown sludge onto the windshield and before you could even think, you could hear sludge pummeling the side of our vehicle from the back wheels until finally it erupted in a sea of sludge that completely blinded the front windshield. I wanted to gasp and scream, but instead I looked over at Lisa who was sitting behind the wheel looking completely stunned and she very gently reached over and turned on the wipers! No reaction but the calmest of calm and thank God because I really think we could have been goners had she panicked in the least. It was right after that she stated that if the weather did not improve then we would be taking the train into the city from Anne's. Whatever you want my fearless driver was all I could think. Whatever you want!!

We made it there and took a long rest and as we were sitting there visiting with Anne the sun came out. Yep. We had done it. We had driven right into the Nor'easter and it was moving north and out of our final destination. We left Anne's and the rest of the ride was just a bit of rain in places.

We arrived and found our hotel after a beautiful entrance into the lighted city...there was Rockefeller center and then right into Times Square...but no place to pull over and get our stuff out. So Lisa just stopped! I don't think anything could phase her after that drive! My Mom and the girls jumped out with all the stuff and made their way to the hotel as Lisa kept the cops at bay. I jumped back into the vehicle and we were off to find cheap parking!!!

We stayed at the Marriott right in Times Square, giving us easy access to everything and Thank God because the wind chill alone must have been 30 below!! We braved the cold, made the show, Spring Awaking which was AWESOME, had dinner and crashed. The next day we made our way over to MOMA to expose the girls to "modern art" (what a joke but worthy of many laughs!) but also to see the Van Gogh exhibit that was there. FABulous!! Next it was back to the hotel for a hot totty and some very overpriced Sangria and then we went to see Wintuck.

Another fabulous evening of wining and dining at The View...a rotating structure at the top of our hotel where you could see the city from your table. All was well until Emma and I were drenched in wine that my mother accidentally spilled. For a moment it was tense as we were reeling with the feeling of cold wine all over us...not trying to make my mother feel bad...but we did and then I felt badly about that trying to explain I was no upset at her, just upset at being soaking wet! To no avail...finally the moment passed and we were on our way to get some food downstairs. Pizzas all around!

All in all it was a fabulous trip...but I did miss Hallie...our only original before Emma and Maddie joined in, but I am sure she will be there next year! I know I will because come hell or high water or nor'easter the show MUST go on!!

Just a little bit guilty...

2008-12-16T05:09:00.000-08:00

I am feeling just a little bit guilty to be so warm and safe and sound within my house. But what adds to that feeling is that there are so many people without power and yet there are those who continue to light up their ostentatious displays of Christmas lights. Can you feel the irony here? I mean, I am all for Christmas lights. I sit and look at my tree beautifully adorned in Christmas lights...but perhaps in light (ha ha ha) of what has happened to us here in the northeast that this is the year to say no to outside lights. The lights that seem to laugh in the face of all of those who drive by and still do not have power. As they drive by the flashing colors and waving Santa's...just a reminder of all that they don't have...ahhh light to read by, eat by and live by, a source of heat just the basic needs like running water.
I don't know. Maybe it doesn't matter to these people, but at least for me...this will be the year that you will not see any lights outside of my house. It just feels wrong and well...anyone who knows me...that if I feel something then that is that. And if you are reading this and are in need of a hot shower...come on by. There is plenty to share!
But that is the problem as well...because if you need a shower then you cannot be reading this and as much as I have tried to reach out and find people...it is hard to get in touch with them or to even know if they have power or not.
I tried Christmas shopping yesterday and well...there was absolutely NO thrill in it. Again, it seems frivolous to be out there pounding the pavement for gifts when there are so many freezing their butts off! And it is much colder today.
Just thinking.....

A Picture is Worth...well you know!!

2008-12-14T05:52:00.000-08:00

Powerless and Powerful!

2008-12-14T05:06:00.001-08:00

As I sit warmly in my kitchen, admiring the Christmas tree, I am reminded of what a long strange trip the past couple of days have been. The weather people were touting the idea of a great big storm, and honestly, I just ignored them, as usual. That was until I was going to drive to the airport at the same time that the storm was going to strike!! Suddenly, I found myself wondering if THIS time Channel 9 could possibly be right. I needed to get to the airport in Manchester because I was scheduled to do a workshop for 150 teachers through Rowan University in New Jersey. If I was not nervous enough about the prospect of a "football field" sized ballroom, then this was enough to just push me over the edge...or was it? Was there, perhaps, some part of me that was feeling the impending energy of the storm? That feeling that something is coming that you have NO control over. Honestly, I think I love that feeling. I love it because no matter how much you worry or don't worry, there is ultimately, nothing you can do!!
I would be amiss here if I did not mention that prior to this engagement I found myself engrossed in creating the world's most perfect power point. Hours and hours I spent putting everything on my computer because I was told that I had to join the world of technology and give up my overheads! You see I LOVE my transparencies that I can lay on top of the overhead projectors because I can physically hold them in my hands. You see I have a love/hate relationship with technology and because of that I do not TRUST it! Having something physically in my hands is much more concrete!! But that said, I knew that managing two overheads, as they told me I could do, would be next to impossible for someone like me who tends to teach "in the moment". So I discovered that instead of scanning everything, I could take pictures of my student samples and then download them onto my computer and put them in my Power Point. It is here that I will point out the my niece, Hallie, informed me that Power Point is not new technology...and I KNOW that, it is just that I resist using it because so many presentations I go to people just read their power points without actually engaging with the audience. Hiding behind my Power Point was not going to be my goal though...no, I was going to use it "like" my overheads, as visuals to compliment and illustrate what I was talking about! Anyway, I actually enjoyed the process of organizing everything and was feeling very good about my upcoming presentation...when the weather report became more and more ominous.
I got to the airport early to avoid the ice and hail and torrential rain that Channel 9 continued to spout on about. I got there two hours early in fact only to discover after 15 minutes that my flight, indeed had been delayed. As I sat in the airport I could feel the energy building around me. People on cell phones, running from ticket counter to ticket counter, trying to get on another flight when theirs had been cancelled. It was looking less and less likely that I was even going to get out of NH after all of this preparation and stress! Good Lord!
My flight was delayed again and more and more flights around us were cancelled. By the time we were lining up to board, the airport was desolate, save for those of us on this one last flight to Philly. We lined up. and boarded. The attendant told us to keep our boarding passes...just in case. Would we get out? Would we be the last flight out of the state? Yes, after de-icing...something I have never been a part of before and am fine NOT to experience again...we took off. I was amazed at how smooth the take off was...the landing...well we might just have well dropped out of the sky. BRUTAL. One of those Hail Mary and God I am not ready to die today kinds of landings. The collective sigh that overwhelmed the cabin was deafening as the wheels hit the tarmac. Phew. We were here and we were alive.
Needless to say I got to the hotel, dropped my things in my room and went down to the bar for a great big glass of wine and a sandwich. Then it was off to la la land. Phew! I had arrived and although the wind pummelled my windows all night...I could not think or worry anymore. I was there and I would present and that was all I could or would think about as I went to sleep!
The presentation went great. My Power Point DID work and calling to find out how everyone was back in NH was just not where I was at. I knew I needed to get through this thing before I could think about anything else. I finished, got on the van to the airport and never looked back. It was then I called home and was amazed to discover that not only had it been a bad storm, but that a tree had fallen ON MY HOUSE!!! The kids were traumatized! All I could do was laugh and think to myself...wow! There was drama everywhere and that is when I also found out there was no power. Honestly, that is worse than the tree to me...until I got home and saw it. You just can't imagine something like that until you see it for yourself. And as far as fallen trees go, this one fell perfectly! It was millimeters away from touching windows with it's fingery branches. It did put a hole in the deck and smash the railings and a chair, but it fell on the back of the house that is ALL windows. How gracefully it simply avoided every single one. Not even a mark on any of them. AMAZING!!
The tree guy has come and gone, the power has since come back on and as I sit here writing with the warmth of my computer in my lap, I am feeling for all of those hundreds of thousands of people out there without power. I even tried calling people to share our warmth and power...but even the phone lines are out and many a cell phones are now dead. People are unreachable. It is such a strange thing in our age of constant contact and interaction via texting, phone calls, e-mails, facebooking and blogging!!
So, to those of you out there...you see there is something to be said for remaining rooted in the dinosaur ages of technology. Without power we are powerless in so many ways...more and more ways every day. And so when we sat in front of the fire to find warmth, I realized that I was not all that crazy after all to bring not just my laptop, but also my big purple binder filled with all my overhead transparencies...just in case. You never know now do you??

President Elect Obama

2008-11-08T04:05:00.000-08:00

What a week it has been. The day of the election, I woke up with great energy and hope. I had a great day at work and actually fell asleep early...just knowing that Obama would win. I know, I know...how could I fall asleep on such a momentous evening? The truth is that I experienced so much energy surging through me all day that I was just simply tired. Did you feel it? I could not escape it. It felt like a thousand Christmases wrapped up into one day. People everywhere with signs waving, talking election and if and when they had voted. Did you feel the energy at work? I would imagine that from space, that one could almost see a frenzy of activity swirling over the U.S.
I woke up the next morning and desperately surfed through the channels looking for his acceptance speech. I found it and as I watched I realized that I had missed something and regretted not seeing this live. There was an aura around him that was so different than what I had expected to see. A groundedness that seemed to anchor him in and keep him so human that it was a spiritual experience.
As I lay in bed and sobbed I realized that this was something so much bigger than even I had anticipated. This was so big that all I could do was to let all defenses down and let myself "feel" the moment...although this was and is so much more than a moment.
What baffles me now, is that even after his speech and McCain's eloquent speech, that there is little recognition from the Republicans I know about what an incredibly historic event this is. I loved how Obama spoke to each person that voted the other way and honored their vote. I get that. But what I don't get is how half of the people in this country might be missing out on the making of history because they will not allow themselves to see and feel what is really happening here. Change has arrived. We have done something that many thought we would never ever do. We have crossed all lines of race, color, age and gender...but what about party lines? Will this be our newest age of prejudice?
And even as I ask this question, I cannot help but allow the overwhelming sense of hope that is within me speak. I do not want to overshadow this with negativity. I can only hope that those on the other side will mourn their loss and join our country in uniting together. Barack said it like it is...we ALL have a lot of hard work to do. And that means all of us.
And to see him now, already reaching out to the public, I still think to myself, who would ever want that job anyway? And I truly believe that it was not just something that Obama wanted, it is just what he is meant to do here on this earth. He has been called to this position and it is not just through the votes we all cast. He is meant for greatness and I for one, truly believe, that he will gently escort us all, with our help, to better times.
Here is to hope...for all of us.
Just Thinking....

A Fight, A Funeral, and a Film...

2008-09-30T06:53:00.000-07:00

After an emotionally exhausting weekend, it finally hit me at about 8 last night. My throat started to swell and shriek out like it was on fire. The bug I could feel moving its way through my body finally caught up with me. The violent sneezes that can only mean it is getting ready to strike would shake my entire body and send shivers from head to toe.

I knew it was coming and still I am not happy about it! If I look at it from another perspective though, it is also my body's way to say STOP. Take a time out to check in and take care of yourself. And let's face it...between the Memorial service that can only inspire the major contemplation of death, a major fight on the home front and then the movie, Nights in Rodanthe...well I knew I was a goner.

This film came at the end of the weekend where I found myself a bit frazzled and fried emotionally. I can only take so much and the conflict and sense of impending death only made my viewing that much more acute. I sat and simply bawled and bawled and bawled. The worst part was that I went in blindly...not knowing that it was written by Nicholas Sparks...if I had only known then I would have expected to happen what happened. But being so tired and spent, I just sat there willy nilly watching like a stupid spectator...not even wondering, as I usually do what is going to happen next. Stupid idiot!! I was sucked in and swallowed with emotion before I even had a chance.

But, in the end, the crying is good and in a sense, perhaps this nasty bug is okay too...giving me a chance to sit and write and reflect and not have to DO anything. I think I would enjoy the time more though...if I only felt better.

And so I write this off as just another day in the life of...and I can't even think about the economy and the fact that the world is coming to an end. Just can't do that! Not right now anyway....

Just thinking...

Thank You Anita!

2008-09-28T05:35:00.000-07:00

I went to a funeral for one of my very good friends from High School whose Mom died. Mal's house was the house we all hang out at. His parents provided everything we needed for a great evening. Humor, a space in the basement to call our own and yes, even beer to play beer pong with. I know, I know, this is not a popular thing to post and totally not PC. But, the truth was that his parents had some thinking behind what they were doing. If we were going to be drinking they wanted it to be under a safe roof where there was supervision and where there would be no driving. Very smart actually, as I think back on it.

What prevailed at this Memorial service was a sense of humor and family that was, well, simply beautiful. Each one of 'Nita's children and grandchildren had stories and contributions in the form of movies etc. to recreate the life of a truly beautiful human being.

As I looked around the room and saw many people from New London, I realized how much a part of that community will always be a part of me. There was an incredible sense of acceptance for us as kids that just seemed to extend to today. Maybe it was something I created in my head, but all that I could feel was a sense of joy that this family had each other to help them through this tragedy. For it is a tragedy that she had to go at such an early age.

I was so moved by this service that I drove home in the torrential rain thinking that when I die, what do I want my legacy to be? For 'Nita, it was laughter and she was adamant that she be remembered as smart. As Mal said, I can still hear her laugh and through the footage that was done by Mike, we could all hear her laughter echoing through the halls as we left.

Why? Why I wondered also do we so often wait until death to celebrate the life of an individual? I was thinking how much she would have enjoyed being there laughing at the stories alongside everyone else. Why don't we celebrate the gifts of every moment like she was able to? Why do we get so caught up in the minutiae of life that overwhelms and strips away the beauty and life of every moment? Why don't we have parties that celebrate what is so wonderful every day???
Life is why we don't and yet, to think about this deifies the idea of what life should be! Are we really living each day to it's fullest?

Having gone through Emma's illness, I think I hang on to that notion as much as I can, but the truth is that I forget. We all forget. And as much as I love the idea of living in the present, it is often the past or the future that tries to take over. What am I doing here? What is my ultimate purpose? Life is for the living...and I need to get out there and do some more of it.

I am better at doing that with certain people. My sister, for example, is one of those people who I get with and I find that I can just be who I am and savour every moment. I think back to this summer in the jeep and how every breath was so acknowledged. Do I get this from her or is it simply the chemistry and common philosophy that we share? She is a force of life to be reckoned with and when I am with her I have that same sense of myself. With others, I do not experience that same excitement and zest for life. They are the energy suckers of the world who are more interested in bitching and complaining and waiting for life to happen to them instead of making life what it is they want it to be.

We all have things we could focus on in the negative...but honestly...wouldn't our time be better spent focusing on what is really great? Mal told a story about having his parents over for dinner on Sundays and how he and his Dad would cook these extravagant gourmet meals. He talked about how at every one how his Mom said every time, "This is the BEST meal I have ever had." And he believed her. He believed that in every moment, in that moment, it WAS the best meal she had ever had. She loved life. She loved each moment in life and from that we can all learn to savour every bite and see each moment as the best moment in life! Thank you Anita! Thank you to the Gilvar family for reminding me, once again, what really matters in life.

Slip Sliding Away

2008-09-16T06:50:00.000-07:00

"How can you put up with that?" she asked as she rolled her eyes up into her head. "With what?" I answered and smiled knowingly. "That" she gestured to the back deck. And of course I knew exactly what she was talking about and still I found her question amusing. The idea that I was "putting up" with something was humorous to me. Was I putting up with it or was I just letting it happen? It all started when Zachary asked for a bunch of boys to come over and jump on the tramp after school. Fine.
It all started to change when I was on the phone with my sister and noticed that the trampoline seemed to be floating across the yard. "Where are you going with that?" "To the deck so we can jump off the deck onto it." And I paused. What did I think of this? What were the inherent dangers that lurked...outside of the already present danger of allowing all of these kids on the tramp to begin with? I know, I know, I am crazy because of the liability issue, but honestly I would rather have them here with some supervision as opposed to downtown with no supervision at all. I was going to have to bend...just a bit. I swallowed hard and thought to myself that it did look like fun, but suggested they put it on the lower end of the deck. It was all fun and games as they took turns one by one to jump off the deck and down two feet the the trampoline.
But one knows that when you get a group of boys together the anti must always be raised. The sheer height was not enough and Zachary screamed with glee as he came up with his next idea. "Let's get the slip and slide and slide off the deck onto the tramp!" Before I could say no a little bit of me smiled inside. This was the kind of experimentation and wonder that I loved to see in the eyes of my students in my classroom. Granted, there were no major dangerous things involved, but it was the sense of experimentation that I was secretly revelling in. They found no slip and slide, but easily replaced it with an enormous blue tarp that they proceeded to duct tape to the deck and down over the slipping side. After their teamwork seemed to pay off they all stripped down to their underwear and began the fun. Only it was not slippery. No worries though...they would figure that out too.
In a moment of despair I knew I had to go and pick up Emma. I told them I would be back in 5 minutes and to be extra careful while I was gone. Stupid me looked at the dish soap as I walked at the door knowing exactly what I would return to.
The screams of sheer joy were echoing from the backyard and as I walked into the kitchen I saw suds EVERYWHERE!! Suds on the deck, suds on the kids, suds on the tarp and so many suds on the tramp it appeared to be white. They were slipping and sliding their way to sheer joyous heaven. It was at this point that Emma posed this question that I had no answer for. In one way I was worried someone was going to get hurt. It was the perfect recipe for disaster. On the other hand I had to smile as I went to get my camera and record some of their good clean fun.
So, why would I allow such a thing? Such a mess? Such a risk? And all that I can come up with even this morning is that it is definitely not something that my mother EVER would have let me do. It would have been too messy if nothing else, and yet, as one of the kids left with his mother I heard him say, "This was the best day of summer ever!" And who was I to remind him that they were in school. This is something that Zachary will never forget. It was free. It was fun and all in all a bit dangerous...the perfect recipe for a bunch of boys with too much energy and imagination for their own good.

Summer Nights.....

2008-09-05T04:53:00.000-07:00

And so it was. Just as Fall threatened to scoop up the eternal fire of summer within...it happened. Two nights filled with utter and complete summer activities renewed that sense of sunshine in my spirit and has set me up for a great day. First we went up to the lake after taking Zachary out of school an hour early (scandalous for it was only the 3rd day of school) in order to get in as much boat time as possible. Charlie was there...the captain of our ship, also released from the confines of school a bit early as we could not have gone without him. We toodled around the lake that was as smooth as smooth could be. So flat in fact that you could see a complete reflection of the sky dancing on top of it. So smooth that when Charlie took a sharp turn it almost felt as slippery as ice. The kids swam off the back in Job's Creek, we then went to the sandbar where there was NOBODY! In fact the entire lake was ours for the taking. We then made our way into George's Mills and sent the kids off to the store to buy anything they wanted within a 20 dollar limit! They were in heaven. Ahhh....summer. No restraints, no rules, no schedules. Perhaps that is what I love the most about it!! We ended our evening eating out in Sunapee Harbor at Bubba's. The kids took one final swim off the public dock and then we made our way home across the lake with a million bats swooping down on us. There was nobody else for them to detect! And as I left I saw the moon over the water. A beautiful crescent moon, and I took a deep breath, thankful for one last night on the boat, just women and kids having a great time and savouring every moment possible. "Those summer nights..."
And so we had to have more!! Of course! Emma and Maddie, being the prep school girls that they are don't start school with the rest of the public, and so Lisa and Maddie came over yesterday and we drove up to Ogunquit with the roof off the jeep, the wind blowing through our hair and hair...well...hair just everywhere!! When we arrived we were shocked at how crowded it was. Were we not the ONLY ones with this idea? Apparently not!
As we searched for the perfect spot on the beach our body temperatures rose with each step in the passing sand. It was HOT!! It was hotter than hot. It was THE hottest day of the year as far as we could remember. We could barely set up our chairs before stripping and running to the water...the water that was frigid. Not the foot-numbing frigid, just the frigid that made for slow going getting in. The waves were ENORMOUS!! So large in fact that I was a bit hesitant of them. And then it hit me. THE biggest wave of my life and I was IN it. I was in that place that was no man's land, the place you do NOT want to be as the wave crests and curls over your head and scoops you up like a grain of sand tossing you about as your legs and arms hurl around you like loose appendages. I could only hope for the ride to end soon, as I needed air. Where was the ground? I could not have told you and when I finally did come up for air, there were Lisa, Maddie and Emma all smiling and laughing at me. My hair was completely disheveled and well...I couldn't see or breath or even talk. Respect for the water renewed itself as I moved in a bit closer to the shore telling Emma and Maddie to follow suit. They laughed at me and told me that I should have dived into it. That was what they did...but they were just that much further out than me. They did not understand and it was not until Lisa had the same experience that she looked at me, hair drooping in her eyes, mouth open in horror that she said "I think I have had enough!" Never mind the times that she would look to a wave, see it's enormity, look at me, start to run and say, "Nothing good is going to come of this!" And so it went. Sometimes you could escape the wrath of the wave and others...you were a pawn in it's game. There was no telling for sure, but trying to find that "just right" spot where you could either "pop it" or "ride it" or "go into it" was key. It was that space in between that was the danger zone!!
But these waves did not keep us out of the water. No, it was too HOT for that. And so we would all go in together and honestly, Emma and Maddie were better at navigating the waves than Lisa or I. I can just hear Lisa now...no, that is not true!! But it was!
As the day was winding down a surfer flew past us in an emergent fashion. I perked up and watched as he headed out to gather a few people that seemed to be in trouble. Within minutes, there were several surfers and I could tell that these people were being swept away in a riptide. The surfers swam parallel and eventually brought them all in! Of course we found out later that the hurricane Hanna was wreaking havoc on the oceans and that there were warnings all over the radio. Sorry we were listening to the i-pod on the way up! We decided it was better that we didn't know because we would have been even more scared than we already were!! We topped our day off with Emma and Maddie's first lobsters at Barnacle Billys, an ice cream cone and a drive home in the topless jeep. It was the warmest of warm nights and we belted out American Pie and then songs from Grease...pulling into the driveway, all four of us singing at the top of our lungs..."Those summer niiiiiiights." Tell me more...there is no more to tell. It was sheer perfection. It was the savouring of the last of our summer nights...that is until next year. And although I have ordered my sunlamp in an effort to ward off the fall blues...this was the perfect medicine for me! Those summer nights.....

Mum's the Word

2008-09-01T13:37:00.000-07:00

With each passing day I can see a change in the light. It's dance is sharper, faster and more fleeting and with these thoughts I can feel the long summer evenings becoming part of the past. The problem is that it is happening way too quickly. How could it be that today is September first? Where did August go? My plan was to take ALL of August off and even though I did that, I am still amazed at how quickly it all went. Where did the summer go?

And you know what? I am not the only one asking this question. Sure this summer was laden with rainy days and not enough sunshine, but still. The "feeling" of summer is what I want to linger, but last night, it was dark by 8. 8 O'clock and it was dark. I can feel my hibernation instincts start to kick in and I get scared. Scared that I am going to want to eat every bad carbohydrate that crosses my path. Scared that every morning it will get increasingly difficult just to get out of bed. Scared that another winter will soon be upon us..and then it hits me. I sound like my father! But, I am not meaning to. It is just that I am not ready for the long daily routines of the fall or pumpkins or mums or scarecrows for that matter. I hate mums anyway. They have to be one of the ugliest of all flowers...and yet I will probably buy some just to keep the notion of summer and flowers around for as long as possible. As much as I hate mums, I can tell you that they are hearty. That is about all they have going for them!! Anyway...I did not start this with the intent of talking about mums, but you know it is the mums that are the first sign that all of your summer nights and lounging days are about to come to an end. First, they show up at the grocery stores. Yes, I arrive to gather the provisions for summer night of cooking out and there they are. The dreaded mums! And when I see them I shout, "Oh No! NOT mums!!" Emma looks over at me with a look of dismay and she says..."yep, and pumpkins too mom" and as she says it I shudder and once again contemplate the notion of moving to someplace south of the equator.

Today I feel the effects of the change in light for the first time. Sure, I went to Newcastle Commons with Emma and her friends and the weather was absolutely smashing. Not a more beautiful day could be ordered. I mean utterly gorgeous! And still, I did not put on a suit because of that little nip in the wind that wanted to remind me of the onslaught of fall every time it blew. I wanted to feel summer, but no, it was fall breathing it's life into the atmosphere. Is there any way to fight this feeling off? I can feel my mood getting lower as I try to soak up all the sun because I know it will be gone soon, but it is all for not. The beginning of the SAD has begun and all I can do is hope that this year will be better than the last. Hope that when I get enough energy that I actually WILL order a sunlamp for myself THIS year!! Ahh...one can only hope!

And as I prepare a nice dinner of fresh roasted SUMMER vegetables and prep the meat for the grill I look up into the sky and know...it is only a matter of time...but truthfully...isn't it all??
Just thinking....

Painful Past Procedures...

2008-08-29T19:30:00.000-07:00

As I sat at her bedside I looked over, realizing she was more than double the size of when this all started. She has now grown breasts, has long flowing hair and yet those same eyes look at me with the familiar look of fear and anxiety. I can see it on her face. I can feel it as well.

It is only an echocardiogram, but it is so much more than an echocardiogram. It is the lingering memories of past procedures that creep up on you and bite you in the ass. One minute I am fine, watching Hairspray with her and the next I have flashed back 5 years, just prior to her relapse when she leaned over, said "Mommy, I don't feel well..." as she began to pass out and vomit all at the same time. I snap myself out of the past to engage in "Good Morning Baltimore" as it bounces off the walls of the dark room. On one screen is John Travolta as a large woman and on the other I can see the beating heart of my one and only daughter. Both images ridiculous in their own right.

I am struck my how much bigger her heart actually looks and as I look more closely I can see the flaps letting the blood flow steadily through from one compartment to another. I try to see the examiner's face as she blocks of sections, saves them and then moves on to another. Emma seems to be fine. Lost in another world, checked out from this one. She was not happy to have to go back to Mass General. In fact, she does not want to be a part of it at all. Don't they understand? We are done with this chapter in our lives...but it almost seems as though they are hanging on...just looking for something that is wrong.

I squeeze her hand and take a deep breath, knowing that she is healthy. Knowing her heart is as strong as a horses. Knowing that there will not be devastating news following this test...unlike so many others. And even though I know all of these things, I also know that the feelings that haunt us live in these walls and that there is just no getting around them. Sure we laugh and joke and remember some of the funny things of the past, but underneath we are both fighting off those smells, faces and reminders that are so far and yet so close at the same time.

As Emma was getting dressed she winced and talked about how much it hurt and how hard the lady was pushing down on her. I had no idea. She has changed in that way. Years ago she would have let out a good screech just to let anyone know she was not happy. I gave her a hug and told her we only had two more things to do before we were outta there! Off the the EKG and then to have her labs drawn.

We left, in the height of Labor Day traffic on a Friday afternoon and as I drove down Storrow Drive I had the same thoughts I always do about how I should have planned something fun to do in the city. Perhaps we could have stayed over. As it was we were supposed to go and do some school shopping for her, but when I looked over I could see the exhaustion all over her face. "Wanna just go hom?" "Yea, let's just go home."

Emma promised herself this time that she was not going to let herself get exhausted from this visit, as I have done so many times in the past, but the truth is that it is what it is. And that is just draining. So we came home, put in a movie and ordered take out in an effort to pass the rest of the day and simply put it to bed!

Speaking of which...that is what I am off to do.
Good Night!

Empty What?

2008-08-28T12:24:00.000-07:00

Hmmm...I sit and think to myself...what is it exactly that I am doing here? School has started and with that comes the idea that I will have time to myself and that sounds simply delightful. What I always forget about are all of the transitions and things that happen along the way that get in the way of that time! It is disjointed and without purpose. I mean I want to be here when Zach gets off the bus. After all it is my duty to keep him from becoming a one of "those" kids that runs loose in the streets of Exeter. Isn't it? Am I overreacting? Am I holding on too tightly? What does a 12 year old really know about the dangers of the big city, traffic rules and crazy drivers that don't see kids zipping in and out of driveways bumping along the curbs to catch air?
The truth of the matter is that I know he needs this time to be daring, independent and yes a bit crazy, but the truth is that the entire time he is gone...I am worried. Worried that some lunatic, like myself, is going to pull out of their driveway and not see them as they approach at neck-breaking speeds on the two wheelers or that he will go off of the rope swing as a rite of passage knowing I have forbidden him to. And yes, I know he will, but what about the fact that the river ebbs and flows as frequently as my emotions. One never really knows how deep it really is!!
So, as I wander along the path of parenthood I can only wonder...what is my new found role? That of eternal worrier? It is not that I don't trust him...well at least some of the time I do, but it is more that I don't trust the busy downtown that he is riding around in. I don't trust that he will be as cautious as I know you need to be.
I always thought living near town would be a blessing...and up until now it really has been. Now, I am fighting the constant activity and population of downtown and quite frankly, little ole me in the big house just doesn't cut it! Can you say B-O-R-I-N-G with a capital B??
And that leads me to another point. Just WHAT am I doing here? I mean really? I am home to say hello before he says good bye and is off downtown. And again I ask, what is my purpose? Do I really even have one or is it something I have created in my mind to make myself feel better? Would it, ultimately even matter if I was here or not? He could just as easily give me a call to tell me that he will be leaving. In the front door and out the back!
Freedom. The one thing I crave in my life for myself and at the same time it is the one thing that I am afraid to give him too much of! And so I sit, in front of my screen, worried and wondering and realizing I have GOT to get a life of my own!! ha ha ha!!
Just thinking....

One of THOSE people!

2008-07-13T05:53:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I found myself in a place I said I would NEVER be!! You know the maniacs that set up their chairs outside of massive department stores to get the latest and greatest playstation or Wii or whatever. I have always looked at those people with judgemental eyes and thought they were just so weak to have given in to such consumerism, pawns to the big corporations of America. Little puppets on strings doing EXACTLY what the companies intended.
What is it with this frenzied mentality I would wonder and think, "I will NEVER be one of THOSE people!"
And guess what. Yesterday I was one of them as I stood in a line OUTside of an AT&T store hoping to get one of the all new iphones. Go figure...but honestly, I feel as though this deserves some kind of explanation! I did this with the best intentions...don't we all?
Let me start at the beginning. 6 years ago I became a Verizon customer and got myself a new phone. I loved my new phone and knew that it would be with me for years to come. Little did I know that Verizon had other plans for me. The phone calls started before my first two year contract was even up. They would let me know about the latest and greatest in technology and let me know that I would soon be eligible for an UPgrade. An upgrade? I just got this phone. Why would I need an upgrade. So I politely declined and went on with my life. The relationship was fine and I was, for the most part, happy with my service...until after those first phone calls started coming.
My phone, you see, mysteriously started to decline in it's capabilities. Service became a bit more sketchy and calls were dropped more frequently. I called the Verizon people and they game me some number to call to update my phone. And that helped...for a while. And the the phone calls started flooding in. I again, would tell that I did not need a new phone and then I got the response of a lifetime...."but Mam, these phones are only designed to last two years." Two years? Two Years? I was mortified and replied, "So you are intentionally designing and selling throw away phones?" Well, you can imagine she did not have a lot to say about that. Sooo....I set my heels in the ground and decided then and there that I would NOT buy or have another "throw away phone" and so my service slowly but surely continued to decline! It got to the point, nearly 5 years into this phone that I could only talk if I found a spot with LOTS of bars and did not move my head, never mind the car! What was the point? The point was that I was waiting. Waiting for the next generation of iphones because they were cheaper and well...designed NOT to be throw away phones. All of the software you can get on line and download and keep your phone current. I was waiting and waiting for a good year and in the meantime my phone failed just about every function it was supposed to perform. It was possessed, turning on and off at will and just for the fun of it. I would be teaching a class and you could hear it mysteriously turn itself on. It was almost comical...except for the fact that it worked in fewer places that it ever actually worked. I would NOT give in though.
The date had finally been set, July 11th and I was going to have the latest and greatest, but even more importantly I was going to have a phone that would last and be reliable and dependable. Yep! That was my plan and that was what landed me in a line of lunatics on July 12th...I missed the July 11th shipment due to work and there I was in line, bright and early to get my very own.
As I slinked to the back of the line I looked at these crazy people and laughed to myself that I had become one of them!! It was as though I had morphed into something I said I would never become. And with all of that I was excited at the prospect of finally getting rid of my throw away and welcoming something more permanent into my life!!
I found myself in line behind a sweet couple with three year old twins in tow. Wow! I thought to myself. If they are here with twins they are even more loopy than me! And yet the longer we stood in line the more I realized how much we had in common. She too had the same feelings about throw away phones and had been waiting as I had for this opportunity. We laughed as we exchanged cell phone horror stories and well..it all started to be a bit more sane!
And then the man in the tie came out and announced there were 36 phones left. What? How could there only be 36 phones left? What a marketing ploy. Apple was brilliant and I was caught in their web of genius and suddenly I did not like it. If I want something I want it then and I want it now. I would not find myself in another hideous line. Enough was enough. I wanted this phone and I wanted it today. So, I let it all go and started to intend and as the man, now counting customers came around the corner 33, 34, 35, 36....Yes! I was number 36!! It was going to be today! Too bad for the poor slobs behind me...and yet they stayed. They stayed with the hopes that someone else would get discouraged or bored and bail.
Hours later I found myself at the door. Yep....one 8 gig left and it was mine. I entered with an enormous smile on my face and made my purchase. After 5 years it was as though I had been let out of cell phone hell and was about to enter the 21st century with the rest of the world!
I smiled as I left and waved to all of my new found friends and told them to enjoy! As I left the rest of the people in line were turned away. Poor bastards...but heck, I had my phone and I was on my way!
I drove home calling people and revelling in the service...ahhhh....I could actually be driving in my car and talking at the same time....(I know you aren't supposed to do this and trust me I have not done it for years...but now I just HAD to because I could!!) I was in phone heaven and it was fabulous!!
Later that evening, I picked up my new iphone to "play" with it and discovered that it seemed to be frozen. It would not go on, it would not go off. It was frozen. Through and through. And here I find myself less than 24 hours later in complete and utter frustration...a return to phone hell!! Perhaps I am not meant for the 21st century and all of it's latest technology. I am honestly not sure what lesson I am supposed to be learning from all of this. All that I do know is that suddenly, my Monday morning is taking on new meaning as I realize I am back off to the apple store to get a replacement. I am done with AT&T and am going right to the source. Should I have done that to begin with? Yes, and in fact I actually even meant to. It was a mistake that I ended up in the AT&T store...or was it. I actually enjoyed meeting those people and forming our little phone connections in line. As for me...I am still without any cell phone coverage and although I have become one of "those" people, somehow I am still feeling as though I have gotten the runaround. What do you think?
Give me a call sometime...or not.

Bl – Bl – Blogging….

2008-04-07T12:20:00.000-07:00

What a long strange trip it has been! But one that I am so glad I took the time to do! When I first started as a blogging virgin I never knew where this would lead or how I could or would manage it! So I started slowly, asking only one of my groups to blog. In no time, I was hooked with the idea of a virtual conversation to carry on with the ones that were started, and often abruptly ended in class. It has also provided me with another place to connect with each individual, something that is priceless because I am working with so many teachers!
I have also learned that blogging is not for everyone, and I get that. That is why when I tried starting up my own personal blog to see what would happen, I was very disappointed at how non-interactive it was. I don’t think I truly understood the nature of a blog or even the purpose of my own blog and so it sat, floating around in the virtual world, un-nurtured, unloved by all…even me!
It all started when I was invited to be a part of an artist’s blog. She is a young, vibrant woman who I connected with when we worked together in Deerfield. She had married, gone away and was pursuing her art degree and had left the world of teaching and all of her friends and family behind. She started a blog to connect herself with the creative souls that she was missing in her new home, in her new state, with her new husband, and her new career goals. The artful garden was a place that I would go every morning with my cup of coffee as I got to know people, interesting people through this crazy virtual world. It was magical. The conversations were so deep and thought-provoking. This was something I wanted more of!
So that is when I decided to start a blog of my own. But the interaction was not there and unfortunately, the interaction in the artful garden also waned. Busy people, busy lives. So how could I use this medium in my teaching world to make those deeper connections with teachers? Making blogging a part of their grade and requiring each one to go in a certain number of times and have those written conversations. It worked well in one school and so the second semester I integrated blogs into all of the groups of teachers I was working with. And I LOVE them!
I was also discovering the many different blogs that are out there. In the meantime, my sister started up a blog of her own and so it is to her place that I go each morning with my coffee. It is almost like having a daily conversation with her…getting to know what is on her mind and what it is she is thinking about on that given day. I am addicted. I am fascinated and I am upset if there is no fix. Her goal was to write EVERY day and I actually believed her! It is a sad day when I find no new entry on her blog!!
With my sister’s blog I discovered a new sense of purpose for my own. My idea of blogging was to create a virtual community. Hers was to make herself write every day. Could I perhaps change my purpose and make my blog more meaningful and purposeful for myself? I could, but with everything I have going on, I decided to just add things that I really wanted to have there. I would like to get to the point where I do write on it every day…no, not every day. There are very few things that I do EVERY day, other than brush my teeth, but as many days as week as I could. I can see how my sister’s writing has become even more powerful through her writing. Her voice has always been strong, but now the flow of her writing is amazing. Would I, could I become a better writer if I wrote deliberately every day? Of course, the answer is yes, and so this will be an ongoing goal for me.
And then there were the safety issues and privacy issues. So I started looking into edublog where one could close the learning communities and make them more secure, but every time I have gone onto that site I find it SO frustrating!! I do believe there are so many things I could do with it, but blogspot is just so much more user friendly and so with my frustrations in hand, I am just going to stick with what I know…for now. In the future I may consider using edublog if I can get myself to even work my way through one of the menus….can you say overwhelming???
And then in one of my schools the vice principal wanted access to their blog. I had to think this through and ultimately deny her, explaining that even though it was on line that I would never turn their journals over to her so this blog needed to remain private as well. A learning curve for us all!!

Then there is the research I have done as a blogging junkie! It is AMAZING once you venture into the world of blogging what you can find. People connecting through illnesses (my crazy sexy life), discussing the food sources in our world, global warming, politics, education and well as you can imagine the list goes on and on. And then you find one of those blogs that you just love! It is like you get to know a person through their writing and I find myself wanting to read more of their stuff and so I stop in when I have the time and see what they wrote about that week. It is SO amazing because you are in charge and well, it is almost as though you can read through newspaper column after feature articles after information articles but they are ALL of your choosing and the topics that you are most interested in!
I have also gotten to realize that for some the learning curve has been a brutal one. I still insist that those individuals plug through. We live in the information age and part of that is working to keep up with this technologically fast-paced world. I have heard frustrations and worries and also trust and know that for many it will never be a natural thing, but at least it will be something that they have tried.
So what next? Will I continue using blogs next year? I am not sure yet. What I do know is that I find myself discovering new purposes for each blog I create! My latest one is a “holding” place for the summer course I am designing on Music, art and literacy. I can store links to valuable websites, clips I want to show from the web and lists of books, articles and even movies that all relate to music and literacy. Nobody knows about this blog yet, but I will use it this summer as a reference point and also something that each person will be able to leave the class with as a reference point. That I am loving. In some ways it is helping me to be more virtually organized and to take advantage of all of the different ways I can use all of the technology that is out there. I will also reconsider my own blog (http://www.shinesistahs.blogspot.com/) and see just how I can make a commitment to that and if that is something that I even want to do! Check it out if you want to!!
So what have I learned about myself as a learner? I have rediscovered that I learn by observing, watching, using other people’s models and then diving in and doing. I do not like to read “how to’s” or tutorials, I have to “just DO it!” And with my learning style comes a great deal of frustration and then some successes along the way. I see what I am doing as part of a process that may only lead me to a new process or discovery. I am never done!!
I am a blogger and I love it! Wouldn’t you like to be a blogger too?

Thought Provoking...

2008-03-30T16:15:00.000-07:00

What's it all about?

2008-03-01T07:14:00.000-08:00

Helen Reddy sang this from the heart...what is it all about? I am not sure, all that I do know is that everywhere I turn right now...there is a pushing for me to work through and figure this all out. I am reading the new Oprah book, A New Earth and while I like parts of it, other parts are just annoying. What IS it all about? I wonder as I watch the YouTube video of a man, with three small children who is dying. He talks about life in terms of dreams and living to fulfill those dreams...but he is leaving behind the greatest dreams of all...his children. As I watch this I am frightened that I am wasting life. I am wasting moments where I need to be present, but am not because I am so caught up in what is or isn't or could or should or would be!
I see this more clearly as I try to be mindful, to live in the moment, to discover how to just "be". As much as I crave this enlightenment, the truth is that there are more moments that I am not in the moment. That is just the way it is. Not that this can't change...but really...what IS it all about? The constant battle to discover and find true peace in life has been a quest I have been on for years. Those rare moments when I am in the moment and am feeling nothing but a sense of calm and nothingness in a way. I want more of that...but this book says that by wanting more it is just the ego talking and well....there I am in the midst of a big spiral wondering...what is it all about?
I am not sure. All that I am sure about is that I need to be on this quest right now. It is part of my "january" mood that keeps me reflective and thinking and wondering....last year the theme was truth. What is truth? I read everything I could get my hands on about truth, but not one of them spoke to this idea in the way this book does! To read this book, there really is no truth. There are only the individual stories that we all make up to feed ourselves, to create our individual identities, to continue to define ourselves in terms of roles, society, groups and all of this just to feed the damned ego...to create what we want to see as a meaningful life. And yet life is not what we do, it is just being.
So I am off to just "be" for as long as I can before I have to get some exercise, to feel healthy, to walk the dog, to take care of the kids to entertain us all and well, never mind the laundry and the house that is crawling with dust bunnies. But of course, amidst all of this...can I just be? Perhaps that is what it is all about!! Who knows!!

A Bed Time Story

2008-02-08T05:45:00.000-08:00

When I am in a writing place…everything seems relevant! Everywhere I go there is another story to be told, a line to be remembered or an insignificant something that becomes incredibly significant! Like this one!
I recently bought myself a beautiful new down comforter for my bed. It is a steely blue, light, and broken up into small identically stitched squares. When I throw it over my bed it looks neat, no matter what, because of those squares and how they keep all of the down in place. Gone are the days of standing on top of my bed, shaking my puff furiously in an effort to redistribute the down to more than one end! Ahhh….so I put it on my bed and noticed that my pillowcases seemed a bit ratty. After investing in some rather wonderful 600 count Egyptian cotton ones I thought I was done. But no. This new puff came with its own set of challenges. It was not warm enough…and so I was on the search for the perfect blanket to put under my new puff! I know, I know…can you say crazy. I found, of course, not one, but two perfect blankets and so I had to buy them both! One is a soft wonderful fleece, perfect for the winter and the other is this fabulous white cotton that will bring my bedroom into the spring and summer months with great crispness!
“Mom, your room is like really beachy, “Zachary informed me last night. As I looked around I agreed with him, spying the blue and white coloring, the beach photos I had framed and taken at Martha’s Vineyard as well as my new bed apparel. I responded that it was like this when we moved in and that I was just going with the color scheme. But he was completely right. It was beachy! But heck, I live close enough to the beach to have a beachy room now don’t I? It is a calm, peaceful place that I just love sleeping in. It is cozy, clean and just right for me!
So, what is it that I felt the need to write about? Well, I have a confession. My confession is that at the age of 42 I am finding that I have a strong desire to make my bed EVERY day! I have never made my bed every day. Sure the rogue day might come along when I would actually make it and like it, but it was never more than a passing fancy. This time though, it feels different. Is it the new bedding? Absolutely, but more than that is that for the first time since I can remember my bed is tucked in! I LOVE this cozy feeling of more than the big puff floating on top of me. No, instead I have myself neatly enveloped inside my bed and I am waking up feeling so incredibly rested…I just can’t even tell you! And so, therein lies my new biggest confession…that at 42, I am finally making my bed everyday…well, almost every day!
Just thinking…..

Girl Scout Cookies

2008-01-23T06:44:00.000-08:00

Have you ever wondered why the Girl Scouts sell cookies in the height of January resolutions? I mean really, just when you think you are going to get a handle on controlling and minimizing all of the holiday overindulgence and celebrations...in comes the elusive Girl Scout Cookie. The cookies that you just can't say no to! The cookies that you HAVE to buy then because you know they will not appear again for yet another year!! Why don't these same cookies come out before Christmas when we are all in our holiday blissful states of not giving a @#$% about our calorie intake as we enjoy drink after cookie after treat? I am not sure the Girl Scouts are taking psychology into consideration? Or are they? They certainly must know something and so the answer is yes Joyce...I will take some cookies!!!!!I would like two boxes of thin mints...oooohhh yummy. Those are SO good frozen! You are right! I will give my parents one box to avoid eating two entire boxes on my own!! And then of course there are those Somoas. These are so chewy and rich that they are not even a cookie! They are really more akin to a round candy bar and so yes Joyce, we will also take two boxes of those. I can easily pass on such boring cookies such as the shortbreads...never got that one, as well as the Lemon Chalet Creams. All about are always good...but again, I am trying to watch my weight here! I mean ideally I would say NO to all of these cookies, but I CAN'T!! And why can't I? I can't because I can see Julia's little girl scout face and realize that saying no is just not an option!! So, Give us one more box of Do_Si Do's and I am DONE!!! DONE!! Do you hear me? Even if a little girl clad in her best-pressed girl scout green shows up at my door the I will slam it in her face and say unequivocally NO!! No, No and NO! But to you Joyce and dear sweet Julia, I say yes, yes, yes and yes. That will be four boxes please and if you happen to notice I look a bit heavier the next time you see me...well then you can take the blame for that! Ha ha ha(Can you tell I am procrastinating from writing my next chapter!! Ha ha ha! I will do anything to avoid what I need to get done!) But, this is all still true!!

Casper, the Friendly Town of the West

2008-01-09T12:57:00.000-08:00

Just back from beautiful Casper, Wyoming where the wind never stops blowing and the state bird is the empty Wal-Mart bag sweeping across the plains. What a place!
Walking out onto the tarmac, climbing the steps to the little prop plane I felt a sense of nervousness and excitement. Flights from Denver had been cancelled all day to Aspen, Vail, Phoenix and more due to weather. This flight was still on and although conditions in the sky seemed volatile, the little plane would make its journey. And what a journey it was. We took off around 4:30 and the sun was low in the sky. The propellers were spinning so quickly I could see through them. I sat, glued to the window taking in each and every bit of the landscape below me. The colors were amazing, a trip akin to taking a sunset boat cruise on the lake. The only time I looked up was to study the propeller next to me and think about how it reminded me of the biplanes on the Vineyard and other war type planes I had seen. It felt a bit like going back in time...just because of the propellers.
Little did I know just how far back in time I would actually go! After miles and miles and miles of open land and no signs of human habitation we landed on a small airstrip that looked like nothing but a small band-aid from above. After a smooth landing we taxied along and along and along, passing one small shack, a larger shack and smaller hangar after the other. It was only when I saw the control tower, no bigger than my own two story house that I began to panic. That was it? Where was the "main" airport? I wondered as we passed yet another building with the big word "NERD" posted on the side. Was this some kind of joke? Where was I and what the hell had I gotten myself into here? I was alone in the middle of nowhere landing at a non-airport. Would the rental car place even be inside? I could not wonder anymore. I turned to the lady behind me, "Ah, do you know if the Avis building is around here?" "Yes honey, it is right inside" she assured me with her thickest Midwest drawl. I heaved a sigh of relief and continued looking for anything that might be deemed a "terminal". Terminal. Then end of the line. Death, termination, the end. No, no no...don't go there silly girl. Everything would be just fine.
As I climbed down the small steps I saw it in front me. The terminal of times gone by. I flashed to the old Manchester airport where I had taken my very first flight at the tender age of 10. (Another story altogether, but suffice it to say that that adventure cured me from my ever present desire to fly and become a pilot one day!)
As I looked up I could see a window on the second floor heavy with faces of every shape and size plastered to it. Each one looking for that one person who had come in from the "other" world beyond Casper, home to their loving arms. I looked up and saw the smiling faces of old and the hands of the young plastered to the windows leaving their marks on either side of the wet mouth marks on the glass. I smiled. What a cool thing. A place where security had not taken the joy out of meeting a loved one at the airport!
I entered with the rest of the passengers and was surprised when so many people greeted other people. "Hey Jim, how are you?" I turned and looked. "Hey Mary, how have you been" (use your best Midwestern drawl here folks!) None of these people were here to meet with each other, they just KNEW each other. Ahhh...so this town was small...but perhaps smaller than I had even anticipated!! I smiled and found my way upstairs to the rental car place. And there it was. No line. Avis right next to Budget, right next to Hertz. No problem.
I went up to the counter and an enormous gentlemen with massive man boobs and stomach from here to kingdom come asked me if I had a reservation. I pulled out my paperwork and he began banging away on the computer for what seemed to be forever!! Have you ever wondered what those people are actually typing when you rent a car? It is like SO much information and it takes SO long. I can never figure out if they are writing their own mini-novel on the side of if they are just hammering away on the keyboard to look important.
As I watched him I noticed he also had what seemed to be a fake eye in one of, well, sort of in one of it's sockets. In fact, it looked more like it was actually coming out of it's socket! I just couldn't look at it, but at the same time I just could not look away from it. I started having visions of it popping out onto the desk in front of him. I could see him pick it up, smile at me and shove it back into the socket like the guy from Pirates of the Carri bean. Oh..look away, look away, and so I did. Up to his bald head and greasy hair. Why was this guy taking so damn long? Finally he finished and told me about the gas and blah, blah, blah. I then felt a pang of guilt for my disgust at this guy and politely asked him "So what is Casper famous for?" He looked at me and smiled a toothless grin and told me that he was not quite sure. "oil and steel and well, it was a stopping point for settlers way back when." I smiled politely and left with my keys in hand.
As I was about to walk out the door, I heard the man say, "Can I help you?" As I turned I saw him not at the Avis counter, but next door at the Budget counter. He had simply moved, put on another tag and was then in charge of the Budget as well as the Hertz! I laughed hysterically to myself, sure I had been caught on candid camera as the doors flew open and I blew out into the parking lot looking for my lovely silver Malibu!
I fumbled with the keys, threw the bag in the back and sank into the driver's seat. What I long day it had been. 12 hours later and I still had not reached my final destination! My only thoughts now were of finding a comfortable place to stretch out and a good glass of wine. I started the car and instantly felt as though I was 16 again. The seat was so low that I had to look through the middle of the steering wheel and the top of it. It was like Lily Tomlin takes a drive. I giggled and tried to prop up the seat, but no buttons anywhere, so I just sat up as tall as I could, searching for the directions to the Hampton Inn. Ahhh...only a few miles away, I sighed, looking for the button to reset the odometer. I looked to no avail. What a cheap car I grumbled to myself...and where was I going to find that glass of wine?
That glass of wine was not at my hotel. Oh no. No amenities for me here, but luckily I could see the Holiday Inn across the street and I was assured that there was both a bar and a restaurant. I walked in and found myself at a large table with big overstuffed chairs by myself. I hesitated at taking the large table, but the places was empty but not for a few of the locals gathered together at the bar watching a local football game. So I went for it! As the smoke curled around the bar and into my nose I was surprised to be in a public place with smoke...funny how much we are so used to our own environments. A young kid came over and I asked about his wine selection. He said, "We got lots. You want to come and see?" As I looked up into his innocent 12 year old eyes, I said, "Yes I would love to." He escorted me to the bar and waved his hand like Lana Turner to all of the wines below. After flying all day I could not even see straight and so I stood there, staring into the cabinet with wine bottle after wine bottle. "How about some of the La Cream" he said to me. And I spotted it, "Yes, I replied with a big smile!! That is my new favorite wine!" "Yea, lots of people around here seem to like it too." He opened a fresh bottle and I settled myself into the large chair and just revelled in my aloneness. I was in the middle of Wyoming at a bar by myself drinking a glass of my favorite wine and I could not have felt more at peace!! What was this all about?
After a terrible Chicken fajita, another glass of wine, and some french fries I payed my tab and make my tired way over to the Hampton. I fell into bed and went right to sleep. I did not care if it was only 6:30 at night. I had to sleep and sleep I did!
Of course I woke up promptly at 5 am. Bing! Now what? The seminar I was presenting was not until 8:30. So I worked out, had breakfast, showered and set out an hour early to arrive promptly to my engagement.
It took me over a half an hour to drive 3 and a half miles because I got lost, was fishtailing at stop signs with the stupid Malibu and was cursing myself that after being up for over three hours that I might actually be late for this damn thing! I finally found the school, nestled neatly behind another school. But at least I made it!!
After presenting at the first school, I asked the group if there was one thing I would have to see in Casper, something that would give the the true flavor or Casper, what would that be? They all chimed in unison, "Wunderbar!!" "Wunderbar?" "Yes, Wunderbar, home of the biggest beers for really cheap!" Oh, I said, wishing I was a true beer drinker!! I left with a sense of who these people are. They are people who have chosen to live in a very remote location and many have done so intentionally. They all talk respectfully and in kind about their small community and how they love being a part of it.
After only two days I found myself starting to actually slow down and mimic more of their daily pace. They did not seem to have the same New England drive that I had to get the most out of every minute, the most out of their dollars spent on me being there and I found that I liked the pace more and more. We got a lot done. We wrote a ton and had even more discussions about writing. They were all wonderful participants who seemed genuinely happy to be there! In short, they all seemed, happy. Okay, okay...not ALL of them, but the majority of them did seem happy. Gone were the drawn out faces of stress that I see in groups of teachers here in NH. Sure, there were problems, there were stresses, but it almost seemed as though they took it all in stride and were not as hung up on the testing and all of the things we seem to be here. It is a simpler life. One that I envy to some degree. It is not, however, a place I could ever live. It is uglier than ugly, with the exception of the mountain range...but the ugliness was covered over with the spirit of the people who inhabit this old ghost town!
And so it was with this spirit that I left Casper, amid wicked strong blowing winds. Winds so cold that by the time I walked from the rental car to the terminal my face and hands felt as though they were going to fall off. As I approached the counter, Good Ole' Big Bob made his way, behind the partition from the Hertz over to the Avis counter, put on his Avis button and asked,"may I help you?" I giggled to myself and returned the car, again trying to avoid and yet not to avoid the unsightly eyeball!
I went to the United Check in counter where a familiar looking woman greeted me and handed me my boarding pass. I continued on, expecting to go right to security only to turn the corner and see that security was closed!! Yes, closed!! I again laughed to myself and sat down to wait for the flight to come in from Denver. Eventually an announcement was made and the woman from the check-in counter with some others, now dressed in security outfits fulfilled the next portion of their routine. All 12 of us went through rigorous security leading us all to the downstairs. An announcement was made that we would be boarding soon and there she was, the same woman with the long hair, now the luggage and ticket taker clad in heavy outdoor Delta clothing. What does this woman do? Dress in layers? What a funny place I smiled to myself as I boarded the prop plane, looking behind me, knowing I would not probably ever be to Casper again, also knowing that I, somehow would never be the same.
As the woman with the long hair directed the plane down the runway, we took off and again I found myself enveloped in another sunset cruise. I took out my camera not expecting much, but to my surprise, the photos were pretty cool. And so it was, my one and only trip to Casper, Wyoming and although it is never a place I would want to live, I sure am glad I had the chance to experience it!!

Phenomenal Woman

2007-09-15T05:23:00.001-07:00

Hey Shine Sistahs!! You make me shine!! I am always so inspired by you and so I am setting this up so that we can keep "talking" as the phenomenal women that we are!! Not only that but the world of blogs is new to me and there is something I really like about it! I like that the exchange of ideas and inner thoughts that keep me present and thinking about who I am as a woman, without all of the "roles" I am as defined by soceity. That is who I am when I am with you and so I want to be with you more!! Each week I will post something for us to respond to and we will see where the path of shining light takes us next!! I start us out with a poem by Maya....

PHENOMENAL WOMAN
by, Maya Angelou

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms,
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then the swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need for my care.
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Can't you just hear her voice??